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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

194 replies

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 22:13

Split up with the ex 3 or so months ago.
She gave birth to our daughter 3 weeks and 1 day ago.
Nobody on my side friends and family have met my daughter yet.
She at first said she wasn't up to going out but now she's fine.
I've asked can the baby come to mine next Wednesday when she will be 4 weeks old to finally meet everyone on my side.
She said no,
I asked why and she can't answer.
She has no plans. I fact she could probably do amy day next week. I just randomly picked Wednesday.
I think she being really difficult.
She has been out a lot now with the baby.
I think it's it's so sad how nobody on my side has yet to meet my little girl :o( I want to show her off to everyone but I can't.

I'm not asking her to leave me alone with the baby. She can be there too! Nobody is going to be off with her and make it awkward, everyone that comes will talk to her.

Thanks guys

OP posts:

goats · 03/07/2014 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:22

Take a step back - three weeks is nothing! She is looking after the baby 24 hours a day, the primary caregiver. Exhausted. She won't have slept more than 3-4 hours in one stretch since before she was in labour. She's getting to grips with it all.

You are only focusing on your needs not what is best for her or your child.

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:24

Agree with other posters and reiterate what I said already - why are you in such a rush?

lettertoherms · 03/07/2014 23:25

Your mum met the baby the day she was born.

Your parents are welcome to see the baby at her dad's.

3 weeks is such a short time after giving birth. Whether she's physically able to walk around and take the baby to shops, does not mean she's emotionally ready to hand baby around to different people, or bring baby into a home she isn't comfortable in. Your parents blanking her when she was pregnant and you were together because you 'fell out' is very odd to me, and if I were her, I wouldn't feel comfortable in their home, in a vulnerable state with a newborn, either. The fact that they're not willing to be uncomfortable going to see the baby at her dad's make me think your ex has the right of it, and they don't care that much anyway.

It's great that you want to be in your baby's life. But you seem incredibly full-on, and not really respecting your ex's comfort levels. If she only feels comfortable with "back-up", I would not pressure her to see you or your family without. Why does she feel she needs back-up and that you're not ready to take the baby out for walks?

LeoandBoosmum · 03/07/2014 23:30

Sorry I can't read the whole thread BUT it really doesn't sound like your ex is playing fair. The little one, while in her care, is as much your baby as hers. I wonder if she has had lots of friend and family around the baby at one time; in which case, how can she object to you doing the same? I can't imagine 8-10 people would be that overwhelming if your ex knows them all and there isn't really bad blood since your split. Also, I'm sure the people around baby wouldn't behave in a rowdy way.
I think it's quite sad that you can't spend even a short time alone with your baby as well. Could you even suggest a walk together with the baby in the pram to a local park where she could relax on a bench for a short time and let you have a wander around the park but in her sight?
My opinion won't be popular here, I'm sure, but why should she have exclusive rights over the baby? You are a co-parent. It's actually pretty sad to me that in a world where some men do one when the woman gets pregnant and want nothing to with the baby they have been halfway responsible for creating, here is a father who wants to show support, be involved, is interested etc but is denied the chance to at least have his family and friends meet his baby. I hope, as long as you're the responsible type that you seem, she will relax a little and allow you a little more freedom with your baby.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 03/07/2014 23:33

youthecat and broken why are you trying to make out op is abusive?

op not sure where you stand legally! but I hated my dp family visiting when I'd just had dd. I didn't get on with his DM and really resented 'sharing' my baby with her. She would get passed about and I would get an irrational rage and have to leave the room. I looked and felt like a bag if shit so my confidence was rock bottom.

Don't ask for the whole family gathering. Just ask for 2 at a time. "Mum and dad want to drop in fir a quick ten mins, is that ok?"

By rights you have equal right in regards to this baby but in reality it's not true unless you have a good solicitor behind you and a big pot of money.

goats · 03/07/2014 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:34

My mum and dad will be totally fine with her when they see her and she knows this.

My other family will be too as will my friends.

She knows these people and they arnt strangers.

Bear in mind she has already gone through the process of having many visitors round at her dads at the same time the first week the baby is born. We're now into the fourth week and I've asked can we bring the baby to mine in 6 days on Wednesday she has said no and not given me a reason why which just made me feel like she was being awkward.

As people have stated, I'll just allow her more time not that I have any other option apart from kidnap. But I owning how awkward she has been and already refusing every request no matter how teeny weeny the request is, it will be a long time before my daugher meets my immediate family let alone anyone else.

I was supposed to be on paternity week this week and next wek however I cancelled it due to me MIT seeing the baby. I'vebeen up since 5am, worked a 12 hour shift and it's now approaching midnight so I'm off to bed.

Thanks for your comments, support and advice everyone in really do appreciate it as you don't have to do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:37

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey - I was told by my friends mum when she had her first born her other in law was holding her baby and all she could think was "get off my baby" and it was the baby's grandmother! I understand it's hard and her emotions will be everywhere. Every request I've made though was turned down. Even when I asked can me her and baby go in a different room at her dads as her dad and step mum make it awkward and I feel I can't relax.

I'm off to bed anyways. Night all x

OP posts:

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 03/07/2014 23:38

I do think she is being out of order by the way!

I wonder how many mothers on here would be happy with that excuse if their baby's lived with their fathers.

"Ohh, just getting to grips with being a new dad...give him time.." - yeah right!
Would you all really settle for supervised visits??

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 03/07/2014 23:39

I'd be saving every spare penny to see a solicitor. She is using the baby to hurt you.

welshnat · 03/07/2014 23:39

I think you need to ask your parents if seeing their DGC is more important than feeling awkward at her dads. If they wanted to see your DC that much they wouldn't care about having to go to her dad's house. I thinks your parents are being unreasonable here.

Neighbours also aren't in the top of people who NEED to meet your DC. I was with my DSs dad when he was born but some of his family didn't see DS until he was 3/4 weeks old anyway. This is a hard time for everyone.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:40

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey That is what I'm getting. Supervised visits when and where she says with no reason why. No history of abuse, drugs etc. im a good person who works hard.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:41

Softly, I haven't implied abuse. I have asked questions to try and get my mind around the situation.

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:41

Set an alarm to wake you up every two hours overnight and you might get a glimpse into how wrecked she's feeling!

But anyway you keep saying "she's being awkward" - a first time mum of a weeks-old newborn is entitled to be "awkward"! Sounds like she has been very accommodating actually given your close family have met the baby and she has agreed a time for you to see the baby.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:42

Welshnat. I'm not 100%happy with my parents either and wish my mum would take an interest, but the baby an outfit etc. the baby will be 4 weeks old on Wednesday which is when I wanted friends and family to finally meet her.

OP posts:

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:42

OP in previous post (now deleted) insinuated the reason they broke up was because she believed he was unfaithful to her while she was pregnant.

YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:44

You are still focussing on what you want instead of what is best for the baby.

goats · 03/07/2014 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 03/07/2014 23:48

Are you the guy who was upset she hadn't got you a father's day present when she was 2 days post partum?

Anyway your parents are welcome at her house, if they want to see the baby surely they'll do that?

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:50

Galvanised - explain? Close family have met the baby.

As I states my mum saw the baby for 10 minutes but only because she was volunteering at the hospital. She saw the baby because I told her to nip up to the ward. Has t held the baby or anything.

Sister and brother yet to meet the baby.

How is me asking can we go into a different room with the baby to her dad and step mum so I can relax and her saying no not being awkward?

What about all the other times?

Every request I've had no matter how small she has said no point blank?

I'm seeing my baby when and where she says and it's supervised infront of her family whilst they watch over me and make me feel unwelcome and awkward. Supervised visits that make you feel like an ex con or you've hot her in the past or something.

You hit the nail on the head when saying she BELIEVED I he a been unfaithful when I had not.
Some scum bags may do it but I'd never cheat on my pregnant girlfriend.
And as I've said we have been getting on really we'll lately and looks like we may get back together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:50

Basgetti - you are incorrect

OP posts:

fifi669 · 04/07/2014 00:09

Yep, she's out of order. Your head can be a mess after birth but it's not actually all about her is it? Not even allowing the three of you to sit in a separate room is very controlling if there's no history of abuse.

I don't think it's unreasonable to go with you to your parents house for an hour and let a few people meet your DC. Eight to ten is pushing it somewhat though! Your parents and brother and sister would be plenty.

I can understand your parents not buying for the baby at this point, normally they'd be around within the first few days but have been made to be outsiders. They don't know if/when this will change and so are protecting themselves from heartache.

I would give it a bit more time for now to see if she comes around. Don't be afraid to go to court if it's still like this 6 months down the line. DP has had 3 years of this sort of thing..... It's heartbreaking.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/07/2014 07:35

Agree with fifi

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 04/07/2014 07:42

Your parents refuse the offer to visit the baby at ex's fathers home because its awkward and unwelcoming?

Maybe your ex is refusing the offer to visit with the baby at your parents' home because it would be awkward and unwelcoming?

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