Am I being unreasonable?

[Cowapjn]

Split up with the ex 3 or so months ago.
She gave birth to our daughter 3 weeks and 1 day ago.
Nobody on my side friends and family have met my daughter yet.
She at first said she wasn't up to going out but now she's fine.
I've asked can the baby come to mine next Wednesday when she will be 4 weeks old to finally meet everyone on my side.
She said no,
I asked why and she can't answer.
She has no plans. I fact she could probably do amy day next week. I just randomly picked Wednesday.
I think she being really difficult.
She has been out a lot now with the baby.
I think it's it's so sad how nobody on my side has yet to meet my little girl :o( I want to show her off to everyone but I can't.

I'm not asking her to leave me alone with the baby. She can be there too! Nobody is going to be off with her and make it awkward, everyone that comes will talk to her.

Thanks guys

I'm not going to get into all the ins and outs of this, but I'd just like to point out the very massive difference between having people pop by in your own place and having to go somewhere else in the early days. Or going for a walk outside, at your convenience, when you know the baby has just been fed/slept and is in a happy place.

It's MASSIVE if it's your first child and you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed and just not used to your tiny baby yet. Just packing up all the stuff you possibly might need to go away for a few hours is stressful and exhausting. Committing to a timeperiod of when to be somewhere when you don't know if your baby will be hungry, wet, tired, overtired or sleeping is even more stressful. Newborns don't have any routines yet, so for all you know the baby could be needing to feed or sleep the entire time she's there! It's just such a massive stressful hassle altogheter, I'm not surprised she says no.

And add to that the fact that there'll be 8-10 people there all wanting to hold the baby, talk to the baby, talk about birth, discuss your parenting techniques, blahblahblah, while you're trying to make sure baby is ok, maybe trying to breastfeed or trying to get him/her to sleep.. Or that she'll be reliant on you to go home, so might be facing another possible battle on that front because you (or everyone else) thinks she should stay longer.

I'd never do it again. We went away to ILs house 5 weeks after DS was born and it was hell on earth. I had a massive breakdown and it was the most stressful day ever.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying it will be like this for everyone, but it could possibly be so for her. And even if it isn't, it is very likely imagining the day goes like that in her head.

So give her some space and time. And if it's so important for your family/parents to see the baby (which I get!), then FFS they need to get over their awkwardness and go see the baby. It is just not fair to make her go to such lengths when they're perfectly welcome to go visit.

Oh and DH (who I live with) didn't go anywhere with DS on his own in the beginning. It just wasn't feasible. Of course he'd have him on his own at home, but mostly for the length of a shower / visit to the toilet... I went to training at 6 weeks and that was probably the first time he had him at home by himself - for all of 40 minutes!

OP your story is very confusing.

You srart off saying noone in your family has met your dd, then say your dm saw her the day she was born. Was your xp given any choice about that when you sent your mum up to the ward? I'd have hated it if my mil came visiting when I'd just given birth.

You say you shouted at her when she was pg but you haven't been aggressive...shouting at someone IS aggressive in my book.

It sounds to me like you've been hounding your xp to do things which won't benefit your baby or her in these very early days.

Imo what is important is that you and your baby spend time together, the rest can follow. I think you should back right off with your demands-you said you're going out for a walk today which is progress. You are not being denied access to your child. Stop maling this all about what you want. Your baby won't care about meeting 10 other people on one go-in fact it might be quite unsettling for a newborn.

Completely agree caeleth

OP your last thread didn't exactly go well either, I remember it well. Stop posting on mumsnet and sort out your real life issues

You say you shouted at her when she was pg

No, he actually said they both shouted at each other. I agree with whoever posted that a couple of people in this thread are trying to ferret out reasons to paint him in a bad light.

If we're going to use our imagination to project our own issues onto this, i.e. make up facts, then to me it sounds like she was (verbally) violent, and he defended himself.

She should let your mum meet the baby properly and have a cuddle. That should be your priority. Then arrange for you brother and sister to meet her on a different date. Forget about cousins and friends at this stage. That will c

Come in time.

It's awkward.

Personally, I'll always be on the side of the new mum here, to be honest, even if she's being a bit unreasonable, as I feel your ex possibly is.

However, I think your mum really could make an effort. You mentioned that the ex hasn't had so much as a text asking after her - I find that quite cold and if my emotions were all I we the place, I think I'd want someone supportive and a familiar environment before handing a newborn over.

Get your mum to send a card for the 1 month birthday and go over to your exes dad's house with a present and a little cake. It may sound silly, but it would just be an excuse to break the ice.

This situation will not improve without someone making a fresh effort, and a new mum has enough on.

Best of luck.

OP, you are very keen that we all show some empathy and appreciate how tired you are and hard working you are with your long shifts. And thats fair enough. And its good you want to be an involved parent , and see your daughter, and proudly want to show her off

But seriously - you are tired after your work. So try some empathy yourself and appreciate how your ex feels is three weeks past birth - educate yourself about the physiology of the post partum period - shes physically still adjusting, probably still has lochia, is certainly still dealing with the hormonal changes settling whether she is BF or FF the baby, and no matter how much help she is getting from her family she has been doing a 24 hr shift for the last 3 weeks, getting used to looking after a newborn, dealing with the emotional alflout, and has probably had insufficient sleep for the past months let alone the last three weeks. Not to mention any issues with the birth eg stitches etc. As well as this shes got to deal with all the emotional issues of your breakup, and from your posts what sounds like your pretty petulant behaviour.

Now, she may look as though shes coping to go out for a walk with you, or with a family member - a controlled situation for a limited time, but surely you can appreciate she probably doesnt feel up to being faced with a bevy of your freinds and relations and neighbours just yet, especially if your relationship has been troubled.

If you care about her and your baby, cut her some slack - make arrangements to meet with just your mum and dad? at a neutral place, for a limited time? introduce your siblings to the baby in the same way? Show the neighbours some lovely photos and make sure you introduce the baby later when they are older and the situation is more settled. You dont need to play the big-i-AM daddy in front of a circle of your relations, with a 3 week old. Think of it as the first test of your maturity as a parent!

goodness, spelling chaos here this am - Emotional Fallout, miss out the 'is' before three weeks.
Put it down to my antepartum hormonal state!

So your parents and you are refusing to do some thing that makes you uncomfortable but are expecting her to do something that in all likely hood makes her uncomfortable.

I actually think you should bust a gut to get the £300 and go racing off to court and see how much luck you have with such a tiny baby you may learn a valuable lesson.

Alternatively stop putting your wants and needs above the baby and a woman who only gave birth 3 weeks ago, and whilst your at it you may want to stop saying things like your only other option is kidnap and focus on your relationship with the baby because that's what it's meant to be about.

3 weeks postpartum really isn't very long at all. To a great extent, a tiny baby is still part of its mother. It's heavily reliant upon her for everything, and will be most comfortable being close to her.

She's not withholding contact - she's just saying it has to be at her home, and that she wants people with her. It's not as though your parents have been battering down her door to see if there's anything they can do to help the mother of their grandchild - on your own account, they've backed right off, which may be understandable, but doesn't really help with the dynamics now. She's clearly not keen on being on her own with them - she probably feels as uncomfortable as they do and since she's the one who has a newborn, her comfort really does need to take precedence.

So either your parents prioritise contact with their newborn grandchild over and above their dislike of the other set of grandparents, or they don't. If they don't, there will be no opportunity for everyone to become more relaxed with one another, and this uncomfortable stand-off will remain.

There are plenty of grandparents who would chew their own arms off to have contact with their grandchild, even in a less-than-relaxed setting. Why can't they just go along, be polite, have a cuddle, and try to build some bridges?

Some people on here are pretty ruthless.

Yes I feel uncomfortable going around her dad's house because he and her step mum make me feel extremely unwelcome. They either ignore me or talk to me really abruptly. If I go to her real. Us or her sisters home they are both fine and I can relax with the baby.

Yes you could say why should I expect her to come to my home with my family when I feel awkward going to her dads?
We'll I know for a fact my parents, brother and sister and friends and my auntie and cousin that will come will all talk away to her and have a laugh and joke. My ex already knows these people already too.
Nobody that will come will ale her feel how I feel when I go round to her dad's house.

People trying to make out I was abusive ... Really?
We had arguments and as I've said she would be really irrational due to hormones. Really erratic behaviour and instead of brushing it off as hormone I rose to it as I'm a defensive person and we would row.
I never hot her, threw stuff or anything like that.
We argued!

If thugs were that bad, why would be be talking about getting back together?

People have suggested I try asking for 2 people to come to my house for an hour then a few days later another 2 and so on and I've stated I'll try this as I now understand a lot of people can be overwhelming but I already know the answer will be no.

I still maintain that I think she has been awkward refusing every one of my requests.

To be a 10 minute walk from my home registering the baby in the centre of town and then refused to come to my home whilst a few people come and see the baby on the grounds that the baby is too young to be out and about? The baby was already out and about and was 10 minutes walk from my home!

I was refused half an hour on Father's Day due to her dad and step mum having visitors. I wanted half an hour wether that be 9am 11am or 7pm plus they live in a huge house!

I was refused to take the baby for a 30 minute walk when the ex's mum had taken the baby on 2 long walks earlier that week.

I hate going her dads as I can't relax with baby so I asked can we at least go in a different room to her dad and step mum and she said no.

The list goes on and on.

I'm not replying any more

We'll I know for a fact my parents, brother and sister and friends and my auntie and cousin that will come will all talk away to her and have a laugh and joke.

Why would she know that if they have made zero effort to contact her since Christmas?

Don't answer if you choose not to, but you have to decide whether your loyalty is with your parents or ex in this matter.

Cowapjn
Firstly, congrats on becoming a Father. I also think it's great that you are so eager to be in your DDs life and trying so hard to work through this difficult stage. I've never been in yours or your ex's situation but I know that when I split from my partner when our DS was 4months old I was very resentful and this did affect my willingness to involve him and his family.
I resented him asking to visit sometimes because that meant I had to go to extra effort when I was feeling very self conscious and also because he/they could just swan in an out have a few hugs without doing any of the hard work like night feeds, settling etc.
Perhaps you could ask your ex if there's any help you could give her?
Practical things like if you're on your way to visit, do you need me to pick anything up from the shops? Perhaps you could suggest coming round to see the baby, does she want to go and have a soak in the bath/catch up on some sleep etc. Maybe you could offer to go with her to the health visitors when she gets weighed?
Single parenting is very hard and if you can make her understand that you want to be involved in all aspects of your daughters care (as well as showing her off to your family which obviously you want to do as a proud parent etc) she might be more willing to involve you.
She probably has a lot going on in her head right now, (just like you) and could be worried about all manner of things, such as whether you'll get back together, how your family will behave, whether you'll go the distance and keep contact even if you don't get back together etc.
Maintain your interest in a non pestering way and don't falter as it might make her thing you've lost interest. I know it's a shitty situation to be in and that she is as much your daughter as your ex's but keep civil and keep showing an interest.
I definitely would advise against legal action as I suspect that would make things worse. But in the meantime I think it's prudent to keep a record of the contact you make with her and her replies as well as ensuring you can prove you've been paying maintenance. Should things go down the legal route you can then prove that you've been consistently trying to be involved in your daughter's life and been contributing financially.
I really hope this is resolved for you all, good luck!

cow I feel sorry for you. I would be beside myself if my dc fathers tried to restrict me being around them.

Maybe this is the only way that your ex feels in control of the situation/things. Splitting up while pregnant must have been tough on her and she may still carry some resentment/hurt feelings with her.

I would view this situation as two entities.

1. are you getting back together? Who is calling the shots? Do you want to get back with her? Tbh the way both families are acting it doesn't bode well.

2. proper parental accesses. If your not going to get back together, you need to start thinking about regular accesses. You have just as much right to see that baby as she does.

cowjapin - its a bit of a shame you've decided not to reply any more, and resorted to a bit of 'tone trolling' about some posts.

I havent seen one person here who isnt impressed by your enthusiasm for being a father and joy you obviously take in your daughter: and lots of people have tried to give you practical ideas and encouragment about building up contact in a situation that must be emotional for everyone involved.

but from what you've posted it doesn't sound as though you are willing to do the work involved eg make yourself uncomfortable, lose some of the control and demands, act in the long term best interests of your daughter and quit the 'pity poor me/controlling/shes just being awkward' attitude. Sorry if this sounds ruthless, but I really hope this works out for you and that you can become the dad you want to be for your daughter

Two things are standing out at me in this thread.

Firstly, the OP's ex appears extremely reluctant to be alone with the OP.

Secondly, whenever the OP actually refers to any arguments, it's all put down to the ex's "hormones".

I think there's one hell of a back story here.

In any case, access for the nrp of a newborn is based on the little and often theory, building up time as the baby grows. The mother of this child is not refusing contact as far as I can see, she just wants to be comfortable about it.

OP, you may want to do some googling for yourself on the "fourth trimester" - basically, the idea that the first three months of a baby's life is an extension of pregnancy for mother and newborn, the mother is still going through massive physical and hormonal changes, and baby is needing an intense, demanding care, not much different to being in the womb - feeding on demand, tons of contact, etc.

Then focus on supporting your child and ex through this, and having as much contact with your child as possible - yes, on mother's terms, be it in her own, sitting right next to her, whatever.

Hi

Your doing great not pushing her too much. Keep going to see your baby at her dads even if it is awkward, it's worth dealing with her not nice family to spend time with the baby.

Perhaps a neutral environment would be better for her to meet your family. Could you suggest just your mum meet up with both of you and baby at a coffee shop? Then next week a different family member.

In response to a previous poster, it's the baby who has the right to a relationship with his or her parents. Parents have responsibilities , not rights.

Your Ex doesn't want to be alone with you. She doesn't feel comfortable around large groups of your family and friends. There's every chance she feels intimidated and that you will insist on doing things which are not in the baby's best interests - and tbh your tone on this thread might explain why.

it's not about you getting a go with your new toy. it's about putting the needs of your child first.

I didnt want to reply but some of the posts people make here do my nut in!

Loletta - "He doesn't really seem to be taking on board the advice that it doesn't matter if he can't introduce the baby to his extended family and friends just yet."

Meeting my extended family?!

My mum saw the baby for 5 minutes!
Nobody else in my immediate family as met my baby!
Plus my mum when meeting her didn't hold her or anything and only had 5 minutes as she was working at the hospital.

If my ex feels uncomfortable coming to my home (where she lived a few months ago) and being around my friends (who are in a way her friends too and she knows them all very well) and my family. My i ask - when will she ever be comfortable enough coming to my home whilst they come around?

Yes I refuse to go and see my daughter at the ex's dads and stepmums as i have said they make the environment extremely unwelcoming and awkward. They talk to my very abrutly also.

How on earth am i supposed to relax with my daughter and enjoymy time with her?
I cant.
When I asked the ex if i must go round to her dads and step mums can we at elast go in another room, she answered no. How is that not being awkward.
Argue that shes not comfortable being on her own without me.
She saw me with the baby on her own today ....

I go to the exs sisters and she is fab and talks away and i enjoy my time with the baby and can relax. Same with going round the exs real mums house.

Ok. You refuse to go there then she is perfectly within her rights to refuse to go to be made uncomfortable with 8/10 people she doesn't want to see.

Learn to compromise. Do what is best for your child instead of just yourself. And grow the hell up.

I was perfectly open to the idea of going to her dads and step mums until my first visit and realised what they were like. I gave it a second try and it was just as bad. I then saw her step mum who was extremely abrupt with me so no, im not happy going there.

How am i expected to relax and enjoy my time with my daughter in that atmosphere?

The ex knows for a fact my mum and dad wont be with her like her dad and step mum are with me. My mum and dad will chat away to her, offer her food and drink and generally make her feel welcome.

She wont even come round mine whilst my friends come. Friends who she knows very well and gets on with very well.

Im not doing whats best for me am i? my family and friends meeting my daughter doesnt benefit me. it benefits them and my daughter.