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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want little girl in house.

118 replies

Celestria · 03/07/2014 14:56

First of all it's not that I dislike her. She's six and I don't dislike any children. They are children.

However I do find I can't relax when she comes in. We have a kitten and I have to watch her constantly as she is rough with it and generally upsets it. I have told her gently to be careful with the kitten and showed her ways to hold him etc. she doesn't take any notice.

We also have a hamster and it's the same thing. She comes round every single day and about four times a day. It's not really to see my kids as much as the animals. She is also quite rude to adults and even took the kitten right out of my friends hands because she wanted to hold her.

I feel for her as the flat she is from always stinks of weed and I can imagine the state of the inside judging by the mess of the window sill. I suspect she probably just hasn't been taught things like how to treat animals and respectful to adults especially when not in her own house.

I am really soft hearted and feel horrible and a bit judgemental but I have my own four kids to parent and don't have the time to constantly watch her when she's in.

Am I being unreasonable to not allow her in or at least not so frequently. And if I'm not how on earth do I tell her no without upsetting her as I don't want that.

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 03/07/2014 15:01

As a mean bitch I would be so concerned for the welfare of the animals it would override any thoughts of not upsetting her.

I would tell her straight that she cannot come in.

dwinnol · 03/07/2014 15:08

Do you think she sees your home as a bit of a refuge for her. I think you should be kind to her and teach her to be gentle with your animals. I
You might be helping her to cope with her home life.

Heels99 · 03/07/2014 15:09

You need to call ss about the girls home situation, poor girl.

KirjavaTheCat · 03/07/2014 15:09

Her situation doesn't sound very good, OP. I don't think I'd have the heart to not let her in.

I owe a lot to my friend's mum who gave me shelter and a place to escape to when I was suffering horribly at the hands of my parents' neglect. If she'd thrown in the towel and closed her door to me I don't know where I'd be today.

Original poster

Celestria · 03/07/2014 15:11

I can't do that. I would be disgusted with myself to treat a little girl like that. I don't want to hurt her. At the same time the times she calls round I am trying to cook dinner and as I cook things from scratch I can be in the kitchen for a fair while. I have caught her a few times trying to block the kitten inside his bed or carrying him roughly. Or refusing to let my own children have a look in. I just don't have the time to keep a constant eye and the kitten is only eight weeks old.

He scratched her quite badly the other day too which is not like him. My own children are very respectful of him as I was brought up to be respectful to animals and so I have brought them up the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

Celestria · 03/07/2014 15:14

The fire alarm got set off the other day. It was the bottom landing which is her flat. My friend and I commented on the strong smell of weed coming from her flat earlier. The firemen were actually very rude to me. Probably annoyed to be called out over smoke setting off an alarm. Weed smoke at that. Her mum came out and she looked dreadful. Very pale and thin. Lots of cold sores. She is very private I don't see her often.

The little girl doesn't look neglected. She has clean clothes and hair etc. it's more how she is if that makes sense. As if she hasn't had much direction.

OP posts:

dwinnol · 03/07/2014 15:15

Kirva - this is exactly what I thought. Many children live difficult lives (not bad enough to have a child protection intervention but tough with little in the way of comfort or attention) and they often seek out the kindness of others. But don't be afraid to be firm with her on how animals should be cared for and handled. Perhaps she hasn't been treated gently so doesn't see the need in others? You sound lovely and you can have a positive effect on this little girls life.

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 03/07/2014 15:15

Can you show her how to hold him properly? While she's not your kid, if she's round all the time she needs to learn.

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 03/07/2014 15:16

x posted with dwinnol but she put it better.

maninawomansworld · 03/07/2014 15:18

Tell her very nicely but very clearly that if she cannot follow your instructions on how to handle the animals then she is not to touch them again.
Then if she does not listen and act accordingly, carry through on your threat. You don't need to be mean or raise your voice about it, just a simple, 'oh I'm sorry but I've told you about that. Kitty has to go away now and you can't play with her any more' ... and take kitty away.

She will learn

RE the state of the flat / her smelling of weed, call SS.

Hedgehogsrule · 03/07/2014 15:18

I think you should continue to allow her in, but perhaps limit it to certain times of the day? Perhaps she could become friends of a sort with one of your children? Again, you can limit it. You could be a lifeline to her. Having one decent person in your life that you can talk to and who seems to like you makes such a difference to a child.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2014 15:22

I don't think you can refuse her all the time.
But if you are cooking, as simple, 'now is not a good time, you can come back later though'.

See how that pans out.
And if she's in your house then your rules.
If you need to be more firm with her and how she should treat animals then that's what you need to do.
'No, that is not how you do it, you are being far too rough again. I've told you lots of times. If you keep doing that then you won't be able to play here anymore as it's not fair on the animals'
Simples!

wafflyversatile · 03/07/2014 15:22

Sounds like her mum is trying but maybe needs some support.

Other than that I would also struggle to say no as she's obviously at a bit of a loose end otherwise, if nothing else, but it's ok to say no sometimes.

Or keep the pets out of the way and make them off-limits while you can't supervise?

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/07/2014 15:23

Maybe set some rules that will protect the animals - e.g. she has to be in the kitchen with you while you're cooking. Or move the kitten soemwhere she won't be able to get to it unless you help her. You could frame it as being to protect the animals while she learns how to handle them since she doesn't have as much experience as your own children.

It does sound like she needs something better than she has at home.

NynaevesSister · 03/07/2014 15:28

Well I think that maybe what she needs is a temporary ban.

So she comes in, you set clear rules on what she can and can't do and tell her that she cannot visit tomorrow if she breaks those rules. Perhaps even do a chart with her as you would with your own children. Then of she breaks a rule she has to leave and not come back for X amount of time. If she does say no, you can't come in till this afternoon/tomorrow etc as that was the rule. Come back later.

This way she learns to respect the rules in your house and you don't feel like you are denying her a place of sanctuary.

Topseyt · 03/07/2014 15:28

It sounds very much as though she is the victim of a certain amount of neglect, even though she appears to wear clean clothes.

Perhaps she doesn't get very much attention at home, so she comes to you for it?? Lack of enough attention would probably mean that she hasn't been learning how to interact with other people, or with their pets.

It is hard, but you are not this child's social worker. I would second the poster who suggested making sure that social services are aware of the situation.

I understand why you are reluctant to tell her she isn't welcome, but you need to draw up clear boundaries. Tell her that if she hurts your pets or is rough with them then she will have to leave. Tell her that she is welcome to visit you occasionally, but that you are busy working or something. Tell her that if she cannot leave your pets in peace then she will not be allowed back in for a long time.

Original poster

Celestria · 03/07/2014 15:32

That's where I feel bad. I parent my own four kids and it can be hard going as a lone parent. I don't really want to have to parent another child as such or change what goes on in my house to fit around her.

I know that makes me sound bad but the kids and I have been through loads recently and we all need a relaxing secure stress free time for a while. In all honesty I don't need extra work. That sounds very selfish and it probably is but I have been advised to be so for a while by my counsellor until I am properly recovered.

OP posts:

fledermaus · 03/07/2014 15:38

Is there a good time for you to have her there? Maybe an hour after school or something, but once you need to start doing dinner send her back home.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2014 15:40

Set specific days and specific times of day when she can come and see the animals when you are free to supervise her e.g. you can come tomorrow at 4.30. Explain that outside those times you might not be able to let her in because you will be busy.

Original poster

Celestria · 03/07/2014 15:46

I love cooking and cook all sorts of things. By the time I get back from the school it's four pm and once I have sorted out homework and sorted kids out of school clothes etc I start cooking. Then it's their dinner. Then it's washing up and tidying up. I would have her in from half six to half seven.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2014 15:50

The key thing is you identify when it is convenient for you that she comes in. It is your home and she has no right to be there so it is entirely reasonable for you to chose what time and what days she can come in.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 03/07/2014 15:57

I'm not surprised you're feeling stressed by this, you obviously have a lot on your plate so of course you are not being selfish to not want to have to parent another child

Only do and offer what you can, if you are tired and stressed and can't deal with another child that day then don't, be kind but firm. On days when you have more time and patience invite her in and give her rules to follow, once she breaks them she has to go home

Original poster

Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:18

I will do that I think. She came in just now went straight to the kitten that was fast asleep on my stomach and woke him up. I told her he was sleeping and to leave him be as he had been running about all afternoon. She left him which is progress.

OP posts:

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:30

Can you alert SS about the mum?

and write annoymously to the school?

it sounds awful.....poor little thing. ( the girl)

as for the girl and the kitten cant you say " I love you popping in but I wont be able to in future if you do not listen to me when I tell you how to be around our kitten. then say no, and follow through...

you touched the kitten i told you not too so now you have to go home...

hollyisalovelyname · 03/07/2014 16:30

Good advice from Manina.
The poor wee girl hasn't been taught or shown ( by example). Perhaps the time with your family is the only 'nice' time she gets.

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