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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want little girl in house.

118 replies

Celestria · 03/07/2014 14:56

First of all it's not that I dislike her. She's six and I don't dislike any children. They are children.

However I do find I can't relax when she comes in. We have a kitten and I have to watch her constantly as she is rough with it and generally upsets it. I have told her gently to be careful with the kitten and showed her ways to hold him etc. she doesn't take any notice.

We also have a hamster and it's the same thing. She comes round every single day and about four times a day. It's not really to see my kids as much as the animals. She is also quite rude to adults and even took the kitten right out of my friends hands because she wanted to hold her.

I feel for her as the flat she is from always stinks of weed and I can imagine the state of the inside judging by the mess of the window sill. I suspect she probably just hasn't been taught things like how to treat animals and respectful to adults especially when not in her own house.

I am really soft hearted and feel horrible and a bit judgemental but I have my own four kids to parent and don't have the time to constantly watch her when she's in.

Am I being unreasonable to not allow her in or at least not so frequently. And if I'm not how on earth do I tell her no without upsetting her as I don't want that.

OP posts:

OnesEnough · 04/07/2014 21:00

I think you sound very kind-hearted, and i totally understand that you don't want to upset a little girl's feelings.

Having said that, I would expect good manners in my house, particularly as your children might start to copy her. If please/thank you are lacking, I would say what's the magic word etc. If she tries to leave without saying goodbye etc., you say where are your manners.

If she knows YOUR standards ie. they are totally consistent, she will learn. (Just such a shame her parents are too ignorant or spaced out to teach her.

With regards to handling your kitten, you should again firmly but kindly tell her that it is very dangerous etc to handle a kitten roughly and that you will not let her, so absolutely no more chances if she does it one more time.

Got experience of the above, but haven't worked out how I would tell her to cut down on the visits - will get my thinking cap on!

Good luck!

Original poster

Celestria · 04/07/2014 21:08

I'm not working currently. I was working full time before my breakdown in the new year but not now whilst in recovery. I am going back to college in August instead part time to train as a counsellor.

OP posts:

MellowAutumn · 04/07/2014 21:09

Not tonight -
If you hurt the cat you will have to go home
We are busy now
No

NacMacFeeglie · 15/08/2014 14:08

Original OP here. Name changed.

I thought I'd give a little update to this thread.

It's been a good few weeks since I posted and I pretty much have a fifth child these days

The wee girl comes up most days. Her behaviour is much improved since I basically started parenting her and she is great with the animals now. My children all love her and say they want her as their wee sister. She comes for sleep overs and into town with us.

I'm a bit ashamed of myself for feeling so frustrated now with her. However I was feeling the stress at the time.

On getting to know her mother better I am certain she is on hard substance misuse. Without a doubt. However she is already known to SS. She does love her daughter but her daughter fends for herself a lot. Yesterday she was asking for bananas and it turned out she hadn't ate all day. Her mum had been in bed with toothache.

Whilst I remain in this flat and can keep an eye on her dd I am happy that she is okay. However when the time comes to move if things are no better I will lodge a concern with ss on the basis that sadly I won't be around to watch over her.

fiorentina · 15/08/2014 14:10

Good for you. It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate but it's great for her that she has someone like you around to give her a family support she doesn't get. A shame it has come to this though really. Hope her mum can get the help she needs too.

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2014 14:21

I read your thread back when you first posted it but didn't comment at the time; but I'm glad to read from your update that the little girl has learnt how to handle the animals better, and that you are keeping an eye on her. Sounds like she needs someone to do that for her. :(

How did you find out that SS already know about her?

Bunbaker · 15/08/2014 14:25

Thanks for the update. Threads like this make me feel so sad for the children that get caught up in these situations.

I hope you are OK OP?

LadyLuck10 · 15/08/2014 14:26

Lovely update op! So glad to hear that you're looking out for her and she seems to be doing much better.
Poor little girl, seems with the love and care of your family she's turning out to be lovely.
Please do keep ss updated, they might be very interested to know what's going on.

heraldgerald · 15/08/2014 15:41

Good on you op. So sorry to hear the little girl is being neglected by her mum. You'll be making a world of difference to her.

(Ss def should know how you feel about the situation, for the little girls safety)

heraldgerald · 15/08/2014 15:45

Good on you op. So sorry to hear the little girl is being neglected by her mum. You'll be making a world of difference to her.

(Ss def should know how you feel about the situation, for the little girls safety)

IamSlave · 15/08/2014 16:15

what a great update, in th mean time are you able to log days when girl says she has not eaten etc.

is the child safe?

NynaevesSister · 15/08/2014 18:24

OP if she is known to SS anyway perhaps you could have a friendly chat with her case worker or anyone in the department. There are guidelines that allow for fostering by people known to the family and it might be really helpful for the child if they know that you're there should she need to be removed from her mother's care.

Itsfab · 15/08/2014 18:44

I think you need to let SS know you are unofficially fostering/caring for this child. You need to protect yourself and put your children first.

NickNackNooToYou · 15/08/2014 20:24

Just read through the thread and your update OP made me

Hopefully the little girl will have memories of your kindness when she grows up.

facedontfit · 15/08/2014 21:46

You are very kind.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/08/2014 22:09

Child clean and well dressed.
Child gives positive reviews of step dad and homelife
No problems with parents or other neighbors
Mother pale and thin with cold sores.
Smell of weed.
My verdict, the mother is ill and could smoke medical marijuana.

I have never met anyone who accidentally set off a smoke alarm from smoking.

Just don't let her in, or tell her she is not allowed to play with your pets, and if you catch her doing so, send her home and tell her if she does it again she is banned for a week.

Panzee · 15/08/2014 22:22

How lovely. You are a great person and are having a positive effect on the child. She won't forget the lovely lady upstairs with the cute kitten. :)

musicalendorphins2 · 15/08/2014 23:35

OP, sorry, didn't see the update (I scroll for the highlighted OP's in long threads and only read those)

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