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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want little girl in house.

118 replies

Celestria · 03/07/2014 14:56

First of all it's not that I dislike her. She's six and I don't dislike any children. They are children.

However I do find I can't relax when she comes in. We have a kitten and I have to watch her constantly as she is rough with it and generally upsets it. I have told her gently to be careful with the kitten and showed her ways to hold him etc. she doesn't take any notice.

We also have a hamster and it's the same thing. She comes round every single day and about four times a day. It's not really to see my kids as much as the animals. She is also quite rude to adults and even took the kitten right out of my friends hands because she wanted to hold her.

I feel for her as the flat she is from always stinks of weed and I can imagine the state of the inside judging by the mess of the window sill. I suspect she probably just hasn't been taught things like how to treat animals and respectful to adults especially when not in her own house.

I am really soft hearted and feel horrible and a bit judgemental but I have my own four kids to parent and don't have the time to constantly watch her when she's in.

Am I being unreasonable to not allow her in or at least not so frequently. And if I'm not how on earth do I tell her no without upsetting her as I don't want that.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2014 21:10

Sorry I was the one who mentioned dealing and raids to show that calling SS probably will result in no action at all. Even when the police had raided the place for the second time the young child was left there even though the police do have powers of removal. SS are so stretched that clean well fed kids can't be priority even if their home life is poor.

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 03/07/2014 21:33

Poor kitten. Sad

WadingThroughCustard · 03/07/2014 22:10

I had to stop a 6 year old girl from the street coming in to the house and garden for exactly this reason.
Our kittens were only 3 months old when the girl moved in, DD was just getting to know her and with it being winter took turns in ours and her house.
I would leave both dd and this girl to play in the living room only to find that the girl had wandered off upstairs to find the kittens and brought them back down. She would squeeze them and not let go, wake them up and handle them roughly. she got scratched a few times by them trying to get away (although they are the most gentle cats) but she still would not stop

I got so tired of telling her to leave them alone and not to keep picking them up and trying to explain to her that they were just babies and she would get hurt, I gave up in the end.

I told dd to not invite her in anymore and she would have to play out if the girl called. She hasn't been in since.

The girls home life was a bit unsettled but TBH that wasn't/isn't really my problem. My concern was with the kittens and to make sure they were happy.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 22:12

The girls home life was a bit unsettled but TBH that wasn't/isn't really my problem. My concern was with the kittens and to make sure they were happy

Of course dear, is the kitten ok now? Confused

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 03/07/2014 22:14

And your point is?

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 22:14

Omfg stop holding people responsible for everyone else's children and begrudging them trying to look after the loved thy chose to bring into the family.

Ffs it's not her fault.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 22:14

Lives they chose

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 22:15

Just how much more "kind" can the op be?

By simply explaining to this girl, that she is tired and has not been well and may not be able to let her come round every day.

is that so hard?

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 03/07/2014 22:50

From what you have said, the kitten would appear to be the little girls main focus and if she is getting her own kitten, then she may lose interest in coming round. 8 weeks is still very young and how your kitten is handled now will determine a lot of the type of cat she turns into. As you rightly said, you want to raise a confident, happy cat, not a fearful shy one. For now, until the kitten is older, she should NOT have access to her unless you are there to supervise and can show her the correct way to handle the kitten.

Also, has the kitten started her vaccinations yet or were you planning on starting her at 9 weeks? Many kittens don't go to new homes until they are 13 weeks and fully vaccinated, though shelters will let them go sooner, unvaccinated. I ask, as if the girl has her own kitten she may want to bring her own kitten with her to play with yours. The little girls parents don't sound the best, so they may not have got their kitten from a reputable source and the last thing you want is your own kitten to catch cat flu etc. Young kittens can go downhill very quickly and sadly I gave seen lots of unvaccinated kittens die.

Good luck with your new life and career and have fun with your kitten :)

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 03/07/2014 22:59

Rock respectfully the op asked for opinions.

Mine was that I wouldn't have a child in my house who was cruel to my animals. Why would I and why should the op?

I deal with hundreds of children from all homes during my working day and see some who are cruel to animals and other children. It isn't always the case that they haven't been brought up well or they don't know better! Some do but they are just cruel, as are some adults.

None of us know if that's the care here but as the op had already told her how to behave and shown her how to be gentle then there's not much excuse to be otherwise is there

mimishimmi · 03/07/2014 23:08

You might find that her mum is telling her to go over to yours ...

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 03/07/2014 23:11

I also think this thread may be a reflection on how valuable and loved pets are to some posters and their families.

perhaps that's not really understood by other posters.

springbabydays · 03/07/2014 23:11

8 week old kittens are pretty delicate little things, and this one will grow up fearful of people if this treatment continues. I'd only let the little girl in if you're free to supervise her around the animals OP.

Tbh it sounds pretty stressful. You're lovely for wanting to help, but if you're not concerned about her home life, why do you feel the need to provide a sanctuary for her...?

NoodleOodle · 03/07/2014 23:30

I'm with Chaz- set a day and time that she can come over when you know you will have enough time to supervise her with the animals. And, ass pp have said, be firm and put kitty away until next time after first warning of inappropriate interaction. You have lots to do yourself and I would think a planned visit once in the week and once over the weekend is more than enough, generous even, and don't forget that you can say no for any reason and at any time- it's good to care but not at the expense of your children's happiness and access to your attention, and your house is your home and sanctuary.

Montegomongoose · 04/07/2014 00:05

Your own mental and physical health are at stake here, don't be guilted into "saving" someone else's child

Agreed.

How do your own kids feel about her constantly coming round?

My patents had open door to waifs and strays in every country we moved to. We were constantly reminded to cut them slack when they took our stuff or hurt our pets.

It often felt that their needs trumped ours. I am wary who I invite into my house now. It's my kids' house too.

Hellojello · 04/07/2014 00:09

Take the animal off her if she is too rough.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 04/07/2014 01:08

Montegomongoose good points in that post.

Sounds sad though. Parents should prioritise their own children and the things they hold dear especially small anals that deserve protection.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 04/07/2014 01:08

not anals but animals

fauxhat · 04/07/2014 02:13

In a few weeks the kitten will be a big cat.The novelty will wear off.

Phoning ss and saying your main concern is a 6 yo playing rough with a kitten is a bit heavy handed.

As for the dope smoking,i highly doubt it set off the smoke alarm.

Original poster
Celestria · 04/07/2014 09:40

I have never suggested I would be contacting ss. The only flat on that floor is hers and the fireman could smell the weed it was so strong. He agreed with me that was the likely cause as an alarm doesn't go off for no reason.

OP posts:
Hedgehogsrule · 04/07/2014 15:22

You and yours come first - nice philosophy (not). It's possible to have a happy family and be kind to the odd person outside the family too.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 04/07/2014 15:28

Kind would be having her there once a week, four times a day is ridiculous. If she was a special friend of one of your children, it's different but she's not.

MummyBeerest · 04/07/2014 16:11

I think you're being more than kind. I can see wanting to help, but the girl causing you, your kids and the kitten stress just doesn't help anyone in the long run.

We don't know specifics about her home life, but regardless of that, children are people, and some people are assholes. A person who's continually tormenting my family and pets would not be welcome into my home again-don't care how old they are.

Hedgehogsrule · 04/07/2014 17:49

Surely once a day is manageable? And keep the kitten away from her until it's bigger.

MellowAutumn · 04/07/2014 20:53

Once a day ??? when you are a single working parent to 4 of your own children