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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want little girl in house.

118 replies

Celestria · 03/07/2014 14:56

First of all it's not that I dislike her. She's six and I don't dislike any children. They are children.

However I do find I can't relax when she comes in. We have a kitten and I have to watch her constantly as she is rough with it and generally upsets it. I have told her gently to be careful with the kitten and showed her ways to hold him etc. she doesn't take any notice.

We also have a hamster and it's the same thing. She comes round every single day and about four times a day. It's not really to see my kids as much as the animals. She is also quite rude to adults and even took the kitten right out of my friends hands because she wanted to hold her.

I feel for her as the flat she is from always stinks of weed and I can imagine the state of the inside judging by the mess of the window sill. I suspect she probably just hasn't been taught things like how to treat animals and respectful to adults especially when not in her own house.

I am really soft hearted and feel horrible and a bit judgemental but I have my own four kids to parent and don't have the time to constantly watch her when she's in.

Am I being unreasonable to not allow her in or at least not so frequently. And if I'm not how on earth do I tell her no without upsetting her as I don't want that.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/07/2014 17:53

Dealing and the place being raided isn't an issue OP?Confused

dwinnol · 03/07/2014 18:04

Sad to say but low level use or dealing won't result in action from he police or child protection. I've worked in criminal justice for many years and it would take much more than OP had describe for an intervention.

I'm disappointed at the numbers of people who are more concerned about a cat than a little girl.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 18:10

Well what do you expect the op to do then?

She's not her dd, and her animal is being tormented by her. She doesn't have to help her at all in fact of she moved out then what?

Of course people are worried but it's not exactly the ops responsibility to make up fir lousy parenting.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 18:11

And I think it's wrong to guilt her into letting this continue.

kawliga · 03/07/2014 18:14

I agree with sillystring about the importance of your mental and physical health. You are vulnerable too. Single mother, 4 dc, is hard enough, but you have also been through a really tough time. Being homeless is tough, and now you are in temporary accommodation. That's one of the hardest things life can throw at you, and you are coping with that and making a good home for your dc, cooking meals, etc. That's enough. That's more than most people will cope with in a lifetime. It takes SO much strength just to do that, just to do what you're doing.

I'm sorry to hear about the vulnerable kitty and the vulnerable child, but you are vulnerable too. You are looking out for the kitty and the child, but who is looking out for you?

By the way it is not normal to kill baby birds and hurt little kitties just because of not being taught how to treat animals. Nobody taught me not to hurt baby animals, I grew up without pets, and I have honestly never 'taught' my dd not to kill a bird but she just wouldn't. Most kids wouldn't! Most kids love animals and respond when you show them how to stroke them gently, etc and would be gutted if they 'accidentally' killed a baby bird Shock That little girl needs some serious help but I don't know if you're the person to help her.

dwinnol · 03/07/2014 18:16

I don't expect her to do anything Giles but I do think of it was me I'd offer this little girl some kindness. OP did ask for opinions.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 18:22

She's offered the girl plenty of kindness.

More than many people would. Do you really think someone should let someone drop by four times a day in definately despite the stress she's under and trying to raise her family by herself.

If she was any kinder she'd have moved in

Topaz25 · 03/07/2014 18:24

I wouldn't let someone else's kid wander into my house and harass my pets. The child isn't your responsibility, your pets and your children are. This child could hurt your pets and is taking time away from your own children. If you are willing to have her round sometimes, just tell her you are busy when it isn't convenient. Consider reporting her parents to social services if you are concerned about her welfare.

starfishmummy · 03/07/2014 18:29

You have already been very kind to her.
The only thing that seems kids is that you haven't spoken to her mother. I know it may be difficult bit surely a "I'm sorry but sometimes isn't convenient for her to come round" isn't difficult or confrontational?

Topaz25 · 03/07/2014 18:31

Not only is this situation unfair on you but it would be upsetting for her to get too attached to you when you are moving on soon anyway. Looking after her every day is not your responsibility. Her family needs to step up or social services needs to step in.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/07/2014 18:33

It's not unknown for children to kill kittens, wether by accident or not.

She wouldn't be in my house.

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 18:34

I didn't mention dealing or raids. Where has that come from? If there was dealing and raids in particular going on I would think ss would already be involved.

To put it simply this area is rough. I imagine most kids around here to have similar lifestyles. When I was younger I used to want to save the world. As I've got older I still want to help people which is why I am going to be training to be a counsellor in August but I have learned what taking on too much can do. I had a breakdown. I don't want it to ever happen again so I am following the advice I have been given to keep things as calm and stress free as possible. Not always easy with four kids. If I thought this child was in danger there wouldn't be a post here. But I also can't give her the parenting she may need. I am happy with a compromise of lesser visits but that's it. I already share my internet with the flats in this block and do what I can to help out when problems arise.

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 03/07/2014 18:45

I think I am a bit overprotective of the kitten

One of the first rescue jobs I was ever called out to was to a kitten (around 10 weeks) that had been killed by a child (about 5 or 6 - I'm not very good with children's ages). The mother didn't know how it happened but the child appeared to have broken its neck. (Incidentally we wouldn't normally be called to 'rescue' an already dead animal but the mother didn't appear to be sure it was dead).

So I would say that isn't overprotectiveness on your part.

AnsonsVoyageRoundTheWorld · 03/07/2014 18:45

I would cut down the visits completely and I wouldn't be shy about appropriately disciplining her when she is visiting. You have to look after yourself and you own children first and foremost.

I always found kids were quick to learn my house rules even if they were stricter than those at their own homes. Eg kids were not allowed to raid my fridge without asking. We always seemed to have a houseful of kids so I can't have been too scarey. Smile

Itsfab · 03/07/2014 18:53

Do you let her spend so much time in your flat because you feel sorry her home life doesn't seem great?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/07/2014 19:06

Sorry OP,I thought you did...

Someone did...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/07/2014 19:08

Sorry OP,I got confused, someone else mentioned dealing and raidsBlush

Georgethesecond · 03/07/2014 19:13

Maybe she's neglected, certainly she isn't being brought up as well as she might be, it's semantics really. Would it help you deal with her to model your voice on how teachers speak? I used to find this helpful when young visitors weren't behaving as I wanted them to. They were familiar with the tone and the direction, it seemed to work well. No one ever seemed to mind being "told" when I did it like that.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 19:15

I will set times and if I don't feel up to it just tell her I'm too busy and hope that won't upset her.

ARE YOU worried about upsetting her?

I mean why do not just explain you are tired and have not been very well and whislt you love having her round, sometimes when she knocks you may have ot say no,....but come back another day because it just means i am tired????????????????????????????????????

if you dont care about her feelings or anything i guess be more blunt.

I agree with the other poster re treatment of animals and neglect...what with her mother looking shocking and covered in sores...how do you know harder drugs are not an issue here?

I feel for you op, but I really think youwould make your own life easier and also not traumatise her by suddenly pulling the rug under her you allowed to grow by a tiny bit of explanation and if she understands she is less likely to bother you,

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 19:17
  • You have to look after yourself and you own children first and foremost

Definatly YY but it is possible to do this and be kind to this child as well, and possible raise the fact her mother may be on hard drugs.....at the same time.

sillystring · 03/07/2014 19:18

Trust me, even if "dealing and raids" were actually happening, there's still very little action.

General public are duped into thinking a single call to SS will have them swooping down and removing vulnerable child. It just doesn't happen.

I've reported cases of severe neglect. A boy who was never fed (no cooking facilities in the house, lived off bags of crisps), no windows in the house, no bed, no hot water, alcoholic substance abusing father, mother in jail for attempted murder. Reported this at 18 months of age. That boy is 14 now and he's still living with his father. Never been taken into foster care. A little girl who roams the streets day and night, has very sexualised behaviour, asks randoms if she can get in their car....nothing done. I despair when I see all these threads when people shout "Call SS" and expect it to be "dealt with". So depressing.

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 19:32

Just been politely asking a few questions. The sisters share a room half red and half blue. They had pasta bolognese for dinner. They have a step dad that is very funny. They have had a hamster and the older sister is getting a kitten tomorrow. I see them at school when I pick up mine.

So hard drugs or not they appear happy contented children. The younger one just needs a bit of direction. My other neighbour told me they never really see the mum or the girls so perhaps this is the first time they have been in someone else's flat that isn't family. I'm not sure.

I am happy enough that it's not an SS matter. Her mum did look very rough but perhaps she has just been ill.

OP posts:
Sunflower49 · 03/07/2014 19:34

I wouldn't have her in my house. It's your duty to protect those in your care, including your animals. Is she rough with the hamster, too? Hamsters are pretty delicate, and she could easily kill it if she mishandled it.

Worst case scenarios need to be thought of here.

Tell her she's not okay to handle the animals, allow her in only when on your terms-if you wish to do it at all. As for her situation, you can call SS if you wish to, her Mother sound as if she could use some support-but from experience, she may be the sort who does not accept help or even admit she needs it.

I can only speak from my own experiences obviously, but I think you are being too tolerant. You and yours come first. And huge kudos from me for having being through what you have, being as kind as you seem and raising your children what seems very well!

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 19:35

Definatly YY but it is possible to do this and be kind to this child as well, and possible raise the fact her mother may be on hard drugs.....at the same time

Just how much more "kind" can the op be?

Appletini · 03/07/2014 20:06

You can have clean hair and be neglected. Call SS. Better safe than sorry.