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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want little girl in house.

118 replies

Celestria · 03/07/2014 14:56

First of all it's not that I dislike her. She's six and I don't dislike any children. They are children.

However I do find I can't relax when she comes in. We have a kitten and I have to watch her constantly as she is rough with it and generally upsets it. I have told her gently to be careful with the kitten and showed her ways to hold him etc. she doesn't take any notice.

We also have a hamster and it's the same thing. She comes round every single day and about four times a day. It's not really to see my kids as much as the animals. She is also quite rude to adults and even took the kitten right out of my friends hands because she wanted to hold her.

I feel for her as the flat she is from always stinks of weed and I can imagine the state of the inside judging by the mess of the window sill. I suspect she probably just hasn't been taught things like how to treat animals and respectful to adults especially when not in her own house.

I am really soft hearted and feel horrible and a bit judgemental but I have my own four kids to parent and don't have the time to constantly watch her when she's in.

Am I being unreasonable to not allow her in or at least not so frequently. And if I'm not how on earth do I tell her no without upsetting her as I don't want that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:30

Just caught her messing with the kitten in his bed so I have told her she will have to go if she can't leave him be.

OP posts:
RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:31

say to her as well. you have not been well and are very tired and sometimes you will have to say no to her, children underdstand more than we think and expalining things to her will help her take it more easily when you say NO>

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:32

we had a dc party and one little girl woldnt leave our dog alone it was so frustrating!!! she just wouldnt listen.

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:36

I think I am a bit overprotective of the kitten as i am hoping he will grow up confident instead of timid or skittish. It's such a busy household already with four kids and when he is in his bed that's his space. He certainly makes it known when he wants to play.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 03/07/2014 16:36

I must be very hard of heart then but I only have other children round when I'm in the mood, not too tired and we are all wanting to have visitors. I quite often turn children away at the door or say they'll play tomorrow or limit the time they come around. It's not just for me, it's for the children, they often need downtime after school and having a very intrusive extra child who needs minding is essentially taking time and energy away from your own family who need to be on an even keel.

I know that sounds heartless, but I think saying 'you can come on Tue and Thurs' is just fine. The child is either parented ok or she isn't and it won't be solved by you getting stressed and overwhelmed, your home is your home and it is also your children's home and as such needs to be a relaxing place for you to be.

saoirse31 · 03/07/2014 16:38

Do your kids want her in your house? If not then I would not be encouraging her in as much tbh. There is also nothing wrong with saying 'no , now doesnt suit' whenever you want. Yes you want to be kind and are slightly worried about her but given what you say about your own circs look after yourself too and yoyr kids first

youbuggerz · 03/07/2014 16:39

Poor little girl.

I don't think id have the heart to leave her out but have a proper chat with her. Along the lines of if you can't follow my house rules which includes X, Y and Z then you cannot come and play.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 03/07/2014 16:45

Sorry no she wouldn't be welcome in my house. My animals need protection and anyway my kids would have been horrified by any other child being cruel to them.

If you are worried about her op contact SS. I only had kids in my house who behaved well. I had 4 too and that's quite enough.

Can I add as a TA I see a few kids from nice homes who have been taught how to care for animals deliberately killing spiders/worms etc for fun. I find it chilling to be honest.

Some people are just cruel, it's not always that they don't know it's that they enjoy the cruelty.

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:47

I used to be a lot more tolerant and had ten or so children in my house at my last home. But since I had a breakdown and was made homeless lost job and relationship ended I just want a quiet life. She is just a wee girl I know and she was invited to my dd party I won't leave her out. I just want a quiet life. I will set times and if I don't feel up to it just tell her I'm too busy and hope that won't upset her.

OP posts:
RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:48

Some people are just cruel, it's not always that they don't know it's that they enjoy the cruelty
huge judgemental leap there Happy Confused shall we give this little girl the benfit of the doubt?

and hw do you know who has a nice home? i bet everyone thought Bindi Harris had a nice home too.

ffs

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:49

I do know she killed a baby bird recently. Her sister found it and they were trying to help it fly. Apparently little girl didn't realise it was on the ground and stepped on it. Accidents happen but she didn't seem particularly upset by it. It was later that I saw her though and kids recover quick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 16:50

I wouldn't say she is cruel to the kitten. More just very full on. I caught her turning his bed the other day so he couldn't get out. I told her firmly not to do that.

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Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 16:52

Tbh the welfare of your own children and your cat is more important here. It's not your job to raise some other woman's child because se is to stoned I do it herself. Alert police, SS, school, NSPCC or whoever and let them deal with it. While she's safe and warm at yours you are possible unintentionally and indirectly hiding the severity of the situation and preventing any action being taken.

You have been a saint so far but you have your own shit to deal with and this girl isn't your responsibility.

youbuggerz · 03/07/2014 16:52

Sounds like kitty needs a break!

Squigglypig · 03/07/2014 16:54

I think you should report to SS. I'm doing a bit of reading around attachment disorders at the moment and cruelty to animals by children can be a sign of neglect and/or abuse.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 03/07/2014 16:59

I'd call social services and hope they intervene to help her. It must be horrible living in a flat that reeks of weed, I feel ill and get horribly chesty around weed, it's much worse than cigarette smoke, I hate to think of any child being raised in that and what it's doing to their little body.

There's also a genuine safety issue when this young child is off on her own with no supervision. For all her mother knows she could be spending hours with someone who's harming her, that she doesn't know and doesn't care makes this child extremely vulnerable. Vulnerable because of her age, her isolation and the fact that if any person with bad intentions notices her, she has no defence at all.

FesterAddams · 03/07/2014 17:06

As other posters have suggested I would be firm; I would explain that if she is disobedient then she will have to go home for the day. And then follow through.

You haven't answered how your other children feel about her. Are they OK with her being round all the time?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/07/2014 17:21

4x a day is too often. Tell her when it's convenient to come back and at a time you can supervise and watch her like a hawk, and teach her to be gentle.

Ring her school, they will be duty bound to report it.

sillystring · 03/07/2014 17:25

By all means report to SS but don't expect some magical response from them. Because of soap operas, people think they swoop in like a SWAT team, it's unlikely they'll intervene over the flat smelling of weed and the girl hanging around your place being rough with a kitten.

Ultimately, she's not your responsibility. You can be kind and let her come and play in the house when it suits YOU and your DC, otherwise you have to tell her it's not convenient and send her home again.

Also, whilst she's in your home, she must do as she's told by you, if not she has to leave.

Your own mental and physical health are at stake here, don't be guilted into "saving" someone else's child.

sillystring · 03/07/2014 17:27

Just to add. I've raised several well being reports to SS through my work with much worse conditions than reported above, and very little is done.

micah · 03/07/2014 17:31

If she's 6, does her mother know where she is?

If she's out of the house for long periods and no-one ever comes looking, I'd definitely call SS

It might be worth a chat with the mother too, in a feel free to come and get her if she stays out too long/you want her home for dinner kind of way..

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2014 17:34

I thought about reporting a neighbour's child as one of her siblings was dealing weed from the house, there were a lot of people hanging around smoking and drinking and the police did raid the place twice. However, the child in question was clean and well fed and the home wasn't a hovel so I thought SS wouldn't act because it wasn't bad enough to trigger an intervention.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/07/2014 17:45

If drugs are involved, especially dealing I'd be very surprised if they don't act on it. If they don't, keep reporting!

Original poster
Celestria · 03/07/2014 17:46

Oh sorry my own children are very friendly and will play with anyone really. My eldest gets a little irritated by her always coming to the door but overall noone really minds.

I'm not convinced this is an SS issue so won't be raising any concerns. If anything changes that concern me I will.

This is a block of flats it's temporary accommodation for me so I will be moving within the next year. The little girl is from the downstairs flat and her mum knows where she is but I never see her looking for them any other time.

I don't think there is any child neglect going on. Maybe just not a huge emphasis on manners and kindness to animals and how to behave in someone else's home. That isn't the little girls fault though and in ordinary circumstances I would be fine with her. As it stands I think less time in my flat would be a compromise.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2014 17:52

She's wandering around entering strange people's houses and her mother is stoned to fuck.

If that's not neglectful......