to wonder if this person should be invited to the wedding?

[TidyDancer]

Yes, it's that time of year, and yes it's me with another wedding thread!

A colleague who is currently on ML (let's call her Becky) is getting married in the autumn and has sent out invitations in the last month. The majority of us from work have been invited only to the evening do which is absolutely fine, with a couple going to the whole wedding day (these are people she is especially close to, so totally understandable).

The problem is this: I work in a reasonably small team within a much larger department. There are 8 of us (9 including Becky) within a department of approx 40. 3 of the small team have not been invited. One has joined us since Becky went on ML, so understandably not invited. Another does not get on with Becky, the feeling is very much mutual so he wouldn't go anyway. The third (we'll call her Laura) is a very long serving member of staff who is very notably absent from the invitations. While the other two could be understood (colleague two wouldn't care that he wasn't invited), Laura will be very upset and hurt.

The reason Becky hasn't invited her is that Laura can be very outspoken, at times rude and always has an opinion about everything. I personally doubt she would make any kind of comment about the wedding itself, but she can be difficult. She thinks she is very liked and respected by Becky though, and her exclusion would come as a huge shock.

I realise there is nothing I can personally do to change this situation. On the one hand I agree that Becky can invite who she wants to her wedding. But on the other I don't think she realises just how uncomfortable a situation this is to be in. It will cause tensions in the team and the rift will perhaps not be repairable. If the invites are hidden from Laura, she will be upset we didn't tell her. If we tell her, she will be upset she isn't invited. Some colleagues are of the opinion that Becky can invite who she wants, others think she is being very rude and bridezilla-ish and the other opinion is that she just being plain spiteful for the sake of it. Becky, while a lot of fun, can be quite cutting at times. She is also feeling very left out of the team while she's on ML as we do socialise together, but afaik she has been invited to things, obviously with newborn twins she hasn't been able to attend. There are thoughts that she is excluding Laura because she feels excluded herself.

So what is reasonable/unreasonable here? Should Becky be able to invite who she wants, or should she be fair to the team?

Some potentially relevant info:

1. Laura is unaware she is the only one not invited.
2. This is not about numbers. We all have plus one invitations and she has invited a manager from another team as well as a couple of people from other departments (neither of which she is close to).
3. Becky is senior to Laura.
4. Becky's manager feels it is very unfair, but has refused to approach her with this (I guess rightly as it isn't really a work issue and Becky is on ML until Christmas).
5. Some team members are feeling uncomfortable enough to be thinking of withdrawing their acceptance and not going to the wedding.
6. The wedding is a significant distance from where we work (we are in Bedfordshire, wedding is in Suffolk) so we would all travel together - meaning at some point presumably, Laura would hear of the arrangements.

Opinions? And any advice!

You really can't see the difference between not inviting colleagues to work leaving drinks and not inviting them to your wedding?

X posts LittlePeaPod

Thanks Havant

On another point. Imagine if she was invited and Beckys really doesn't like her. A few drinks, a bit too much honesty following the dinks and all hell could break loose! What would the atmosphere at work be like then??

Are you really all going together? That sounds weird and incestuous office environment. Am I the only one who'd just go with my DP?

Where are you in the team? if you manage B and L I can understand your investment more than if you are just a member of the team who seems to give a massive shit about laura's feelings.

I mean travelling down together etc.

Haventguard, it's just the afters of the wedding not the ceremony and meal. The principle is the same. Personally I think Becky is being childish and petty as it won't really impact on her whether or not Laura is at the afters but it will upset and exclude Laura in a very hurtful way.

But obviously you don't see anything wrong with that behaviour. Just different perspectives I guess.

I would find that behaviour a bit childish as well. If they'd had a big argument or something, fair enough. But if she just finds Laura a bit annoying and irritating it's quite petty to make a point of not inviting her when she's inviting practically everyone else (bar one or two for which there is a very obvious reason).

Yes, obviously she wouldn't invite her to the full wedding. But to the evening for a couple of hours? Pretty small minded, in my view.

TIL you have to invite people you dislike to your wedding if you invite 63% of the work staff. It's okay not to like the other two though. Hmm.

Actually, after posting that I'm wondering how many of the people on here are their workplace's "Laura".

Becky can invite who she likes.

It's still the woman's wedding! It's not a work do.

If someone is rude and outspoken they aren't going to be popular and they will get left out of things.

I love the fact that no one is wailing about her not inviting the new person or the person she dislikes that also dislikes her.

That's different though. The new person has never met her so would have no expectation of an invite and would see nothing personal in not getting one. And with the other person there seems to be a mutual agreement that they don't get on.
However, if Laura thinks Becky likes her then obviously Becky has been acting as if she doesn't have a problem with Laura and is now suddenly excluding her from the evening of her wedding despite the fact that the only other two people not invited are a stranger and a person she openly dislikes.
It just seems a slightly cruel way of making her feelings known and also puts her other colleagues in an uncomfortable position. I just wouldn't do it.
Also, like Vintage my experience of evening wedding invites is that they're usually issued generally to the entire work team and are not really viewed in the same way as actual wedding invites. So in that way they're a bit like leaving work dos. The invite is usually a casual 'if you can make it, love to see you there' kind of thing.

Anyone thought the reason Becky hasn't openly shown her dislike of Laura and Laura's behaviour is because Laura is in a more senior position. Therefore Becky may well be scared?

It's the other way around. Becky is the senior one.

I stand corrected. But my point still stands. No one should be obliged to invite people they dislike to their wedding. No one should expect an invite.

The consequences of Laura been invited and then someone saying something when they have had too much to drink are much worse.

The thought of having someone at your wedding you dislike and having to pretend you like them is beyond me. Like I said before, its two faced, disingenuous and fake.

No one should be 'obliged' to ask someone they don't like to the evening part of their wedding.
But in my opinion the grown up, adult thing to do is to try to avoid leaving one person out without very good reason. And in this situation, Becky will probably only get to spend a few minutes talking to her work colleagues as:

a. They'll only be there for a couple of hours at the end of the day

b. She'll be busy circulating and chatting to her family and friends and enjoying herself on the dance floor.

Regardless, she shouldn't be put in a position at her own wedding where she has to put a fake smile on just to entertain someone she dislikes.

It's her wedding, she should only have people there she wants to attend. That's not childish. What's childish is people bitching about her behind her back, throwing toddler strops and threatening not to go if Laura doesn't go and people thinking they have any say in someone else's wedding invites (evening party or other).

Speaking as the one person in a small outfit who wasn't invited to another person's wedding in same small outfit, when I would have expected to be, it can make it VERY difficult afterwards.
I was very hurt - I thought I got on well with this girl, but apparently she harboured all sorts of negative feelings towards me - she just hid them well by being completely twofaced. In her defence, she had told me several times that she was a twofaced bitch when discussing her previous workplace - I should have listened!
I found it incredibly hard to maintain any semblance of normality when dealing with this girl afterwards and she had the cheek then to ask one of our other colleagues why I hadn't congratulated her on her wedding or asked to see the photos - sensitivity wasn't high on her personality list, obviously - so then she had even more negative feelings towards me!

It took a couple of years to die down. Luckily we weren't in any sort of "team" so didn't actually have to work together, just see each other when we were both in.

I see that you won't be saying anything or getting involved, which is of course the wisest course of action - but I do think that it might be an idea for someone to point out the unwisdom of Becky's exclusion if she wants to have any sort of working relationship with Laura in the future. Diplomacy is an important attribute in any level of management!

sorry, Becky's exclusion of Laura

If Becky wants to make a point of it, Laura will bite. If Laura sulks (which she will), Becky will bite.

Laura doesn't seem exactly immune from childish behaviour herself.

You sound like you are enjoying the drama far too much. Butt out. If Becky doesn't want to invite Laura, why should she, and if Laura is upset that is no one's responsibility except Becky's. You winding everyone up will only end badly for you!

Evening do only invite to a colleagues wedding will be pants. I did it once. You and the other work people arrive when everyone is steaming having been drinking since lunchtime and you don't actually know anyone except the other work people so you stand round talking to each other all night. Which you could have done in the local pub, without travelling to Suffolk at probably quite a lot of expense. In conclusion, Laura has had a narrow escape.

But if you invited everyone whose feelings may be hurt by not being invited, where does it end? Becky's feelings are just as important, and more importantly she's paying!

I've just noticed how you began your original post, TidyDancer.

"Yes, it's that time of year, and yes it's me with another wedding thread"

Do you have form for obsessing about the details of other people's weddings, then?

adish I think the original Tidydancer wedding thread might be in classics.

Personally I'm often relieved when not invited to people's weddings, as I find them more of a pita than enjoyable. Any chance Laura might breathe a silent sigh of relief?