to wonder if this person should be invited to the wedding?

[TidyDancer]

Yes, it's that time of year, and yes it's me with another wedding thread!

A colleague who is currently on ML (let's call her Becky) is getting married in the autumn and has sent out invitations in the last month. The majority of us from work have been invited only to the evening do which is absolutely fine, with a couple going to the whole wedding day (these are people she is especially close to, so totally understandable).

The problem is this: I work in a reasonably small team within a much larger department. There are 8 of us (9 including Becky) within a department of approx 40. 3 of the small team have not been invited. One has joined us since Becky went on ML, so understandably not invited. Another does not get on with Becky, the feeling is very much mutual so he wouldn't go anyway. The third (we'll call her Laura) is a very long serving member of staff who is very notably absent from the invitations. While the other two could be understood (colleague two wouldn't care that he wasn't invited), Laura will be very upset and hurt.

The reason Becky hasn't invited her is that Laura can be very outspoken, at times rude and always has an opinion about everything. I personally doubt she would make any kind of comment about the wedding itself, but she can be difficult. She thinks she is very liked and respected by Becky though, and her exclusion would come as a huge shock.

I realise there is nothing I can personally do to change this situation. On the one hand I agree that Becky can invite who she wants to her wedding. But on the other I don't think she realises just how uncomfortable a situation this is to be in. It will cause tensions in the team and the rift will perhaps not be repairable. If the invites are hidden from Laura, she will be upset we didn't tell her. If we tell her, she will be upset she isn't invited. Some colleagues are of the opinion that Becky can invite who she wants, others think she is being very rude and bridezilla-ish and the other opinion is that she just being plain spiteful for the sake of it. Becky, while a lot of fun, can be quite cutting at times. She is also feeling very left out of the team while she's on ML as we do socialise together, but afaik she has been invited to things, obviously with newborn twins she hasn't been able to attend. There are thoughts that she is excluding Laura because she feels excluded herself.

So what is reasonable/unreasonable here? Should Becky be able to invite who she wants, or should she be fair to the team?

Some potentially relevant info:

1. Laura is unaware she is the only one not invited.
2. This is not about numbers. We all have plus one invitations and she has invited a manager from another team as well as a couple of people from other departments (neither of which she is close to).
3. Becky is senior to Laura.
4. Becky's manager feels it is very unfair, but has refused to approach her with this (I guess rightly as it isn't really a work issue and Becky is on ML until Christmas).
5. Some team members are feeling uncomfortable enough to be thinking of withdrawing their acceptance and not going to the wedding.
6. The wedding is a significant distance from where we work (we are in Bedfordshire, wedding is in Suffolk) so we would all travel together - meaning at some point presumably, Laura would hear of the arrangements.

Opinions? And any advice!

Morning Lego!

I will not be acting on anything, I just wanted opinions from those totally uninvolved who didn't know any of the people.

So thank you all. :)

I agree with leaving it as it is - don't take her as a plus-one, of course, that would make everything worse. I highly doubt you're considering it though!

I suppose what I'd do is realise that there will most likely be awkwardness and resentment afterward and prepare for it. I do this, professionally as well as personally, and find it helps to have a general idea of how I'm going to respond to a situation if I am anticipating it. I don't mean I'd gossip around the office about it (for one, I don't work in an office but y'know, let's keep going); I just like to have a plan in my head for what I'll say and do. A bit like preparing for a storm, I suppose - although whether that analogy works depends on if you're somewhere with actual storms or in London and take to Twitter saying "OMG IT'S THUNDERING" at the slightest rumble.

How is Gluezilla? I was just thinking about your thread the other day!

Up to becky who she invites. Her wedding her choice. Personally I wouldn't invite Laura who must know what people think of her...

Reaches for the Sylvanian Families in the loft and takes a glue stick out...

Oh, dear. Becky may invite whomever she wants, but it does seem provocative, invoting so very many people from work, notably the other-department people you say she's not close to.

If there's fall-out, though, let management call both of them in (separately) and dress them down for "making an atmosphere" and generally behaving like children at work. Grown-ups at work shouldn't affect everyone around them so bloody much.

It's a bit like those threads about whether to invite the whole class to a party or leave out the ones your dc doesn't like. Usual opinion is that it is unfair when children, but as adults we should be free to invite whom we like.

It'll only be a "sad" thing in the office, or become a "big deal" if people let it become those things. You, tidy are making it both of those things. It's not anything you can do anything about, and it's not a bloody tragedy in the grand scheme of things.

Actually, I understand how potentially awkward this could be for the group who has been invited. My school friends are a fairly close and established group but last year one of them got married and inexplicably didn't invite one of the girls. It was embarrassing for us and her, as she is also outspoken and opinionated, she didn't hold back with asking those of us invited about whether we were going (as though we might not in solidarity) and why she wasn't asked. I didn't ask the friends getting married as I suspect it was his fiancee who chose not to ask her, and they live abroad so it's not like he had to deal with the awkward questions or atmosphere, but it left us all a bit puzzled and put a bit of a dampener on the occasion. I fully agree with b and g making final choices but in situations where it's evening only and the sale of only one person who is part of a group it seems a bit harsh.

What a great spoonerism, Hatie!

I wouldn't invite someone who was rude and could be difficult to my wedding, regardless of what other work friends I may invite. Imagine how big weddings would be of we had to invite everyone who we felt obliged to invite, rather than who we actually wanted there.

I am of the opinion that it is Becky's wedding and she should invite whoever she wants to celebrate with her.

Becky isn't just excluding Laura, she's also not invited the other person she doesn't get on with. Laura is maybe too thick skinned to realise Becky isn't that close to her.
I think only inviting people you like to your wedding is fine.
You seem to be turning something that isn't your problem into your problem.
Let Laura have a sulk if she chooses. If it causes an atmosphere then supervisors need to step in and sort them out, but wait for that to happen first.

It's Becky's wedding, and if she doesn't like Laura that much (from what you've mentioned of her, I could understand why), why should she invite her? Managers shouldn't be getting involved and talking to Becky about it if it isn't a work issue, that's inappropriate.

It's a shame if others don't go because of it, but it's their choice.

Well, it is Becky's wedding so she can invite the people she wants at her wedding. Personally, I would not leave out one person from a work group regardless of how annoying that person might be (unless it was very clear that we disliked each other) if the invitation was to an evening reception which is likely to be busy and crowded.

At my wedding I invited everyone (maybe 15 people) in my workplace to our evening do regardless of how well I enjoy their company (there was only one person that I found difficult but I invited him and his DW too) because I think it is very hurtful and unkind to just leave one person out. Not everyone came anyway. Also because Becky will just be storing up upset and drama for her return imho but that is just my opinion and I don't think she was "wrong" per se.

I agree with others though it really is none of anyone else's concern, I get that it is very awkward for the others but it is certainly not a "work" issue. People can invite who they like to their weddings.

No, the person shouldn't be invited, if that is what the bride and groom have decided. Nobody else should get involved. I am incredulous that people are considering withdrawing their acceptances, on the basis of one person not being invited. If the person who is not invited feels slighted/ upset, it is up to her, and only her, to decide how she will deal with that.
By the time, the bride returns to work, things will have moved on, team dynamics will possibly have changed. If there is any fall out, it is between those two people, and they need too sort that out, as adults, if and when the time comes.

Oh don't, whatever you do, take her along as a plus one. That is really a bad idea!

I was Laura last year and it sucked. It really, really hurt, actually. I'm not rude or outspoken at work, but my Becky has never given much impression of liking me, for whatever reason.

She invited everybody senior (four of whom, no exaggeration, most work evenings out are the focus of discussion by Becky and everyone else along the lines of them needing to be sacked, and general other discontentment) and almost everybody else on the same level as me - she's a bit senior to me, so it also kind of felt that she was setting the tone for my 'position' at work, if that makes sense. She invited everyone I normally socialise with. She's done other events since and also not invited me.

I hadn't realised quite how many of my colleagues were going until I logged into facebook that evening and saw the pictures appearing before my eyes.

I may be oversensitive, probably am, but I still feel intermittently awkward and a bit humiliated about it. So, speaking as a Laura-no-mates, I would say don't invite her as a plus one, and don't make a big kerfuffle, but do let her know you think it's a bit crap she wasn't invited, and reassure her that she isn't generally disliked or a pariah. That's what I would have appreciated.

Crikey, this is only a colleague's wedding and you're only an evening guest. I'm sorry, but you do sound way too overinvested in the whole thing.

It's up to Becky who she invites & if Laura is a well adjusted adult she's not going to get too upset about not being invited to a colleague's wedding who she doesn't even get on with.

Don't get involved in it - quite frankly Becky's manager even saying it's unfair is unprofessional in itself and people considering withdrawing their acceptances need to grow up.

She's being rude and petty (and very hurtful) but there's really nothing you can do about it. Bringing her as a plus one will just make her feel like a charity case. If you feel strongly about her behaviour just don't bother going yourself.

The one thing people should definitely not do is chat excitedly about the event when she's around and put lots of pictures up on facebook. Just try and be sensitive around her, and let Becky behave like a child if she wants to.

I meant if you feel strongly about Becky's behaviour.

Actually though it's not 'only a wedding' - IME, lots of talk afterwards about 'oh those little cakes you had were so nice', 'remember when that happened at Becky's wedding?', 'oh, you mean the venue where Becky and Bob got married, oh yes it's lovely there' - nothing huge in the scale of things, but lots of times over lunch or whatever where you have to maintain a smiley silence and an indifferent facial expression. Which just doesn't add much to your day or how you feel about your work.

Looking at this from a work perspective, is it possible for those of you who do actually go to the wedding out of the work team to make a promise between yourselves after the event to not make too much of it on the Monday-after-the-wedding-before?

A colleague recently got married and plenty of people from the office were invited but some werent. I didnt go (had a fortunate clash of events) but it was not the talk of the office after the event. This despite having lived though every agonising moment of the build up. By the time the bride came back in to work afterwards it was long forgotten in office chit chat terms.

It is funny that TheOriginalSteamingNit, in my office we were just glad the flaming event was in the past!

I don't agree that someone can invite who they want and it is fine. It's horrid to exclude certain people just because you don't like them. It's very very wrong

Are you sure Laura would expect to be invited? For all you know they may have had words that the rest of the team are not aware of and Laura might not be the slightest bit surprised at not being asked.