to wonder if this person should be invited to the wedding?

[TidyDancer]

Yes, it's that time of year, and yes it's me with another wedding thread!

A colleague who is currently on ML (let's call her Becky) is getting married in the autumn and has sent out invitations in the last month. The majority of us from work have been invited only to the evening do which is absolutely fine, with a couple going to the whole wedding day (these are people she is especially close to, so totally understandable).

The problem is this: I work in a reasonably small team within a much larger department. There are 8 of us (9 including Becky) within a department of approx 40. 3 of the small team have not been invited. One has joined us since Becky went on ML, so understandably not invited. Another does not get on with Becky, the feeling is very much mutual so he wouldn't go anyway. The third (we'll call her Laura) is a very long serving member of staff who is very notably absent from the invitations. While the other two could be understood (colleague two wouldn't care that he wasn't invited), Laura will be very upset and hurt.

The reason Becky hasn't invited her is that Laura can be very outspoken, at times rude and always has an opinion about everything. I personally doubt she would make any kind of comment about the wedding itself, but she can be difficult. She thinks she is very liked and respected by Becky though, and her exclusion would come as a huge shock.

I realise there is nothing I can personally do to change this situation. On the one hand I agree that Becky can invite who she wants to her wedding. But on the other I don't think she realises just how uncomfortable a situation this is to be in. It will cause tensions in the team and the rift will perhaps not be repairable. If the invites are hidden from Laura, she will be upset we didn't tell her. If we tell her, she will be upset she isn't invited. Some colleagues are of the opinion that Becky can invite who she wants, others think she is being very rude and bridezilla-ish and the other opinion is that she just being plain spiteful for the sake of it. Becky, while a lot of fun, can be quite cutting at times. She is also feeling very left out of the team while she's on ML as we do socialise together, but afaik she has been invited to things, obviously with newborn twins she hasn't been able to attend. There are thoughts that she is excluding Laura because she feels excluded herself.

So what is reasonable/unreasonable here? Should Becky be able to invite who she wants, or should she be fair to the team?

Some potentially relevant info:

1. Laura is unaware she is the only one not invited.
2. This is not about numbers. We all have plus one invitations and she has invited a manager from another team as well as a couple of people from other departments (neither of which she is close to).
3. Becky is senior to Laura.
4. Becky's manager feels it is very unfair, but has refused to approach her with this (I guess rightly as it isn't really a work issue and Becky is on ML until Christmas).
5. Some team members are feeling uncomfortable enough to be thinking of withdrawing their acceptance and not going to the wedding.
6. The wedding is a significant distance from where we work (we are in Bedfordshire, wedding is in Suffolk) so we would all travel together - meaning at some point presumably, Laura would hear of the arrangements.

Opinions? And any advice!

sounds a nightmare.

nicely played bluetroublethree

I thankyou Maleducada!

Really, you must have very little to be worrying about!
That's why IMO nobody should invite colleagues to their wedding at all unless they are close friends i.e. socialise outside work events and do family occasions etc together.

To answer your question, Becky should be able to invite whoever she wants.

Just to be clear, Laura has not been rude to Becky, just rude in general. I can't recall her saying anything bad to Becky at any point.

Totally agree there's nothing I can do here. It's just all a bit sad really.

I think the most important thing is - who is decorating the wedding venue? Could you suggest to Becky that Laura does that and then goes home?

Seriously though, it's up to Becky who she invites. It sounds like there is some degree of personality clash between the two and I wouldn't want someone at my wedding if I thought they might be critical or sneery about the things I had chosen, or annoy or upset the other guests.

I think you just need to sit back and allow things to play out however it happens - you can't do anything about it, and if anyone asks for your input, you are within your rights to say that you don't want to get involved. You sound like you are sympathetic to Becky's decision to a certain extent, and it is possible one that she has agonised over. If you really feel inclined, you could 'ask' Becky (all innocent like) if Laura knows that everyone else has been invited and she not, just so you can avoid putting your foot in it. If she hasn't already considered how this could make things difficult at work, then this will give her a moment to think about it, but is she has and is happy with her decision then you will all just have to live with it.

Thinkivebeenhacked - Becky's manager has not been approached by myself. It was a comment in the office from someone else who had discussed the wedding in general with her. I agree she shouldn't say anything. As I said, it's not a work issue.

I would avoid 'telling' Laura about the invites for starters. Just dont mention the wedding unless she does. When she twigs that she's one of the three not invited handle it as it comes. It's not your fault. It's no ones fault.

Perhaps she wont expect to be comforted? She might be quite stoic about it.

No one should ivite someone to their wedding out of politeness. Especially a work colleague!

Not relishing the awkwardness and possible fallout is perfectly understandable. I'd be stressing a bit too.

If I was Becky I wouldn't invite workmates unless I was actually friends with them outside of 'work drinks'.
If I was Laura I would put on a brave face and say nothing, accepting that someone simply doesn't like me enough to ask me and too proud to pretend I was anything other than relieved/busy that weekend.
If I was you I would hope and pray Laura didn't single me out to talk about it and try to talk about it myself as much as possible and just say 'were you not invited? Oh, that's a shame. Oh look that photocopier needs paper...'

How about your own nuptials, Tidy? Didn't you get engaged?

Waffly - yes DP and I are engaged! We still are yet to get around to getting married though! With work drama and the gluezilla epic, I think we'd be safer to just elope!

Laura sounds well out of it and will probably be having a great time while you are all stuck at the self-obsessed Becky's wedding.

Is there any possibility Becky is jealous of Laura or something? Is Laura very pretty and is Becky scared she will outshine her on her wedding day?

keep your mouth shut. go. stay out of it.

laura with any luck, will examine her own behaviour and question why she wasn't invited.

i don't blame becky tbh. she clearly doesn't really like laura and doesn't want her there.

I Don't travel a long way evening invite . Way not worth the effort .
You really want drive/ pay for coach to go out for 4 hours with work mates .
Evening invites from workmates are worth going to if local.
Who want to pay to go to wedding of someone petty as "Becky"

No I don't think it's jealousy. FWIW I do understand Becky not wanting to spend social time with Laura. She can be very difficult (as can Becky). I'm not actually condemning either one of them here. It's just put a lot of people in difficult positions and however unavoidable that was, it's still not nice.

Wedding guest lists are difficult enough with relatives and children, without having to worry about colleagues who you don't even like.
Becky can invite who she wants.

So basically in a nutshell:
Becky doesn't really like Laura much because she's a bit gobby and opinionated but nothing has ever been said so Laura isn't aware of this.
Because she doesn't really like her that much she hasn't invited her to the wedding.

I really don't see the problem. The issue is nothing whatsoever to do with work so Beckys manager is absolutely right to stay out of it and to be honest so should the rest of you. It's between Becky and Laura.

^ Has that^ wedding happened, Tidy? What happened?!!

'If I was Becky I wouldn't invite workmates unless I was actually friends with them outside of 'work drinks'.

Exactly. Becky has made the situation awkward for everyone. She has every right to but I don't think this is as simple as her wedding=her rules.

If she is going to upset her work team she really will have to face the music and I wonder how much she is prepared to do this.

Not your problem. You decide if you want to go or not and let Laura deal with it. Becky can invite who she wants to her wedding.

She's only upsetting the work team if they all act like donuts about it.

Well that's what I would do but others are different.

sometimes people don't like you, or at least not very much. that is allowed. on childrens birthday parties we have to accept and teach children to accept they don't get invited to everything and sometimes someone doesn't like you enough to invite you to their party. Laura is not a child and she'll just have to accept that Becky doesn't like her enough to invite her to her wedding.

Perhaps Laura wouldn't go anyway?

I think saying the non invite will cause a "rift will perhaps not be repairable" is a tad over reacting.

If you want to go, go but don't now go as a sign of solidarity. It will look silly, achieve nothing and Becky will probably fall out with you as well.

Agree that you should just try to avoid having a conversation about it with Laura.

Tidy, is your whole lilfe full of fucking maniacs, or do you just worry far too much about what everyone else is doing?

So, essentially, someone hasn't been invited to the wedding of another person to whom they are not particularly close? Meh, pretty much a non-event, tbh, and no need whatsoever for OP to get involved. It's work, innit, not the playground