to wonder if this person should be invited to the wedding?

[TidyDancer]

Yes, it's that time of year, and yes it's me with another wedding thread!

A colleague who is currently on ML (let's call her Becky) is getting married in the autumn and has sent out invitations in the last month. The majority of us from work have been invited only to the evening do which is absolutely fine, with a couple going to the whole wedding day (these are people she is especially close to, so totally understandable).

The problem is this: I work in a reasonably small team within a much larger department. There are 8 of us (9 including Becky) within a department of approx 40. 3 of the small team have not been invited. One has joined us since Becky went on ML, so understandably not invited. Another does not get on with Becky, the feeling is very much mutual so he wouldn't go anyway. The third (we'll call her Laura) is a very long serving member of staff who is very notably absent from the invitations. While the other two could be understood (colleague two wouldn't care that he wasn't invited), Laura will be very upset and hurt.

The reason Becky hasn't invited her is that Laura can be very outspoken, at times rude and always has an opinion about everything. I personally doubt she would make any kind of comment about the wedding itself, but she can be difficult. She thinks she is very liked and respected by Becky though, and her exclusion would come as a huge shock.

I realise there is nothing I can personally do to change this situation. On the one hand I agree that Becky can invite who she wants to her wedding. But on the other I don't think she realises just how uncomfortable a situation this is to be in. It will cause tensions in the team and the rift will perhaps not be repairable. If the invites are hidden from Laura, she will be upset we didn't tell her. If we tell her, she will be upset she isn't invited. Some colleagues are of the opinion that Becky can invite who she wants, others think she is being very rude and bridezilla-ish and the other opinion is that she just being plain spiteful for the sake of it. Becky, while a lot of fun, can be quite cutting at times. She is also feeling very left out of the team while she's on ML as we do socialise together, but afaik she has been invited to things, obviously with newborn twins she hasn't been able to attend. There are thoughts that she is excluding Laura because she feels excluded herself.

So what is reasonable/unreasonable here? Should Becky be able to invite who she wants, or should she be fair to the team?

Some potentially relevant info:

1. Laura is unaware she is the only one not invited.
2. This is not about numbers. We all have plus one invitations and she has invited a manager from another team as well as a couple of people from other departments (neither of which she is close to).
3. Becky is senior to Laura.
4. Becky's manager feels it is very unfair, but has refused to approach her with this (I guess rightly as it isn't really a work issue and Becky is on ML until Christmas).
5. Some team members are feeling uncomfortable enough to be thinking of withdrawing their acceptance and not going to the wedding.
6. The wedding is a significant distance from where we work (we are in Bedfordshire, wedding is in Suffolk) so we would all travel together - meaning at some point presumably, Laura would hear of the arrangements.

Opinions? And any advice!

I am a worrier, SGB, but I do also seem to be a magnet for oddballs. Usually it's fun....

Itsfab - sadly not overreacting. :( Becky and Laura are both the type to not let this drop. If Becky wants to make a point of it, Laura will bite. If Laura sulks (which she will), Becky will bite.

I totally appreciate that without knowing the personalities involved, you guys are commenting blind. That's good and bad, but I understand probably makes it sound like I'm worrying about too much here. They are both strong and extremely stubborn and outspoken.

Anyway, like I said, I won't be saying anything to either. And it's interesting to see the split opinions from people, so thank you. :)

I'm quite sure we have met stubborn people who don't get on before! We just choose to let them get on with it and not get too involved in their lives.

I'm quite sure you have Funky.

My mum got me to invite some people I was falling out with to our wedding (they were paying), as we were part of the same friendship groups - a sort of olive branch. It didn't work, and by the time I saw the wedding photos I wanted to punch them in the face we'd fallen out irrevocably, so we had to pick photos for albums very carefully and wish they'd never been there.

Becky should invite who she wants, full stop.

People should only invite guests who they actually want to attend. I was made to invite some relatives to mine who I didn't get on with, and I still think one of the best things about the day was that they didn't bother to show up!

It's Becky's choice.

Lol if the invites are plus one, who's to stop anyone of you inviting Laura anyway?

It's about time someone gave Laura some feedback about her outspokenness and her impact on others?

Could it be you?

I would take her aside and tell her that everyone has been invited to the wedding and that you just wanted her to know. If she asks why I would be completely matter of fact and say that she can come across as critical and blunt and maybe that is useful feedback for her if she thinks she might be rubbing anyone up the wrong way.

oh, naughtie jelliebabe2.

naughtie? Naughty.

Tidy!!! Another wedding thread - what fun!

I actually agree that if everyone else is so bothered about Laura then why are they not inviting her as their plus one?

You describe Laura as "rude and always has an opinion about everything" so I think Becky is fully entitled to exclude her on that basis.

Just don't get involved - act dumb. How would you even know that Laura hadn't been invited?

Gluestick anyone?

Hi tidy, have you heard from Gluezilla lately . Well Becky dies nit really get on with Laura so does not have to invite her. It's not like we're talking about chikdren, and being the only one nit invited to a class party. Laura probably knows Becky isent keen on her so should not be surprised if she's not invited.

Am I the only one who feels sorry for Laura?
(Pretty sure I could easily be described as outspoken, awkward and gobby.)

Laura has been described as rude, opinionated. Laura and Becky could have crossed wires. You dont have to invite people you don't like

Totally up to Becky who she invites to her wedding - sounds to me she's inviting 5 from a team of 8. It's not leaving out one person. It's not a works Christmas 'do' or anything.
It sounds as if - as you are aware of the situation - it would be tactful to not go on about the day, or even discuss it at work though.

Personally I feel sorry for Becky to have these people bitching about her behind her back - calling her rude/bridezilla/spiteful for not inviting some one to her wedding that she evidently doesn't want there? It's her wedding, not a democratic proceeding. It also seems like a lot of responsibility is being put onto Becky for the harmony of your team - I'm quite astounded that this event could cause an irreparable rift in the team, what on earth? You're adults, it's not your job or the team's job to manage your relationships with one another outside of work. Yes it's nicer if everyone gets on with everyone else but it's not unusual when members of the team don't get actually get on, liking everyone isn't a prerequisite for keeping a job. So long as there's no clear animosity/hostility between the 2 afterwards (which the manager can then address if there is as it's a valid work issue) it's not really for anyone to say that Becky should hide how she feels and compromise on her own wedding day just for the sake of other people's discomfort. Got to say again, you're adults - when 2 members of the team don't get on you remain professional and get on with the job.

You're assuming a lot here that hasn't actually happened.

Laura hasn't been invited - maybe she hates Becky and is secretly relieved she doesn't have to spend a load of money going to Suffolk.

I was once in a similar situation. This woman in my team, I could see was agonising over whether to invite me to her wedding, because she'd invited the rest of the team. She'd sort of try and get into conversation with me to broach the subject. The truth was, she'd shat on me from such a grand height in the past, I'd sooner stick needles in my eye than attend her wedding. But it looks bad, doesn't it, if someone from the team doesn't go.

You don't know the history. If you like this person, go to their wedding. If you don't, don't. But stop trying to organise everybody else. It's all a bit drama lama.

Take laura as a plus one ;-)

Oh. That's a lot of information and concern about a colleague's guest list for her wedding, to which you have been invited (as an evening guest?).

Are you specially close friends with the bride to be privy to her guest list in this way?

If not, I don't really understand your concerns, but for a wedding nearly half a year away, it sounds like it's already stirring up the workplace.

Are you all very bored at work ?

And more importantly, is Becky on glue?

Are you all very bored at work. Exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like you all don't have enough to do at work. You are all spending what looks to be way too much time talking bitching about a work colleague and who she invites to her wedding.

Seriously Op, my position on these threads is always B&Gs wedding, B&Gs rules on invites. However, I may not agree with but I can at least understand those people that get upset when, their baby isn't invited to a wedding or their third uncle John on their fathers side and his two dogs are not invited to be wedding etc. But this thread takes guestzillas to a different level. You are not family or close friends, all you are, are her work colleagues. My advice, stop getting so involved in the discussions bitching about the bride. It's no ones business but B&G who they invite. Also, brides boss sounds completely unprofessional to be saying what he/she said about her wedding. He/She should be telling you all to stop bitching and get on with some work!

I am amazed at how much discussion your colleagues have had on this!! It just doesn't seem like a huge deal to me??? Also you mentioned that Becky is 'difficult' too - do you actually get on well with her? If not, I wouldn't be going, and certainly wouldn't be gossiping about the situation.

The reason Becky hasn't invited her is that Laura can be very outspoken, at times rude and always has an opinion about everything

So becky doesn't like Laura I assume. So why should she invite her to her wedding which she is paying for.

It's unfortunate for Laura but there are 3 people not invited so she isn't the only one.

To be honest if becky knew what you thought of her for not inviting somebody she doesn't get along with then she'd probably uninvite you too, butt out of it. There's no need to hide it from Laura. I can't believe your friends think she is being spiteful, it's her wedding Day and she dislikes laura, simple.

Haha at the bored at work suggestions! Chance would be a fine thing! As I said, thank you all very much for your replies. It's really good to get opinions from people who are able to see this in black and white. As I fully expected there has been a split in opinions.