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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the whole "my DC are my world/reason for existence/only focus" a bit much?

116 replies

MamaPain · 01/07/2014 16:53

Obviously I love and adore my DC, but today I spent time with a new group of people and was a bit overwhelmed by their devoted worship of their DC.

The conversation somehow moved into this alternate universe discussion about how much we love our children. I don't know if there is some underlying rivalry between two of these women but they were saying their DC basically are their only reason for being or doing anything and only seemed to be enthusiastic when asked about their DC.

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

Or do I not love my DC as much as the next person?

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 01/07/2014 16:57

What are these women going to be like when their children leave home?

TarkaTheOtter · 01/07/2014 16:57

I'm not sure I'd have equal happiness but neither are my dcs my whole life.

thegreylady · 01/07/2014 16:57

If I had never had dc it would be different but as it is they are indeed my raison d'etre, the stars of my universe and whatever other hyperbole you care to insert. Their children are right up there with them too :)

paperpeony · 01/07/2014 16:58

It's all down to people being different. I used to feel like that, that because we're not shouting it from the rooftops, or not updating facebook with every milestone and picture I take, I must be a bad Mum. The thing to remember is, that's them and you're you, and you're doing great. You love our kids as much as they do, they are just more vocal about it.

thegreylady · 01/07/2014 16:59

My children have, of course left home. The youngest is 40 this year. Just because they don't live with us doesn't remove them from my life :)

nicename · 01/07/2014 16:59

It sounds like they are unhappy people who have thrown themselves into trying to make their kids lived 'happy' anmd 'fulfilled'. Yes, they need to focus on themselves but maybe they have self esteem issues.

Goldmandra · 01/07/2014 17:00

My DCs are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am quite certain that I am happier for having them.

Who knows why you feel differently but that's completely OK. I don't think you love your DCs less than I love mine and I don't see why you find it 'a bit much' that I feel like that Hmm

Thumbwitch · 01/07/2014 17:01

My DSs aren't my whole life, but they are my main focus at the moment. DS 1is now at school but has lots of afterschool activities, so that is one focus; and DS2 is only 20mo so he's really they primary focus of most of my days. I don't work at the moment and won't until DS2 is ready for school, so then I suppose my focus will shift onto how I can best earn some money (although both DSs will still be doing afterschool activities...)

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2014 17:01

DD is the light of my life. The only person that gets told that on a regular basis is her. Grin

Ragwort · 01/07/2014 17:01

I agree with you Mama - my life was perfectly happy, busy, interesting and fulfulling before I had my DS - now it is .......... different Grin. I am positively looking forward to having more opportunites to do the things I like doing when DS leaves home. Smile.

I have a dear friend who is just as you describe though, she literally lives through her children, even though they have left home, I find it incredibly sad - she openly admits that being a mother is 'everything' to her.

Thumbwitch · 01/07/2014 17:02

I have to say though, that on my really bleak days, the DSs are the things that keep me going. Them and my Dad.

Ragwort · 01/07/2014 17:03

I think children being the 'focus' of your life is slightly different to being 'the sun, universe and stars' Grin. I am going out to spend the evening with my DS, it's something I don't particularly want to do, but I know it will give him a huge amount of pleasure and enjoyment. I will try to hide my boredom Grin.

thatstoast · 01/07/2014 17:07

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

And your grocery bill would be a lot cheaper! Grin

I only have a young baby and one of my pregnancy fears was becoming someone who had no identity other than 'mother' but I think that only happens if you want it to.

puddymuddles · 01/07/2014 17:08

I feel as your friends do. But I think I would not be so open discussing these personal feelings in a group - would just tell them to my children!!

somedizzywhore1804 · 01/07/2014 17:08

Haven't got children yet- pregnant with DC1- so hard to comment. However I will certainly agree that I find those "professional mums" on FB a but hard to take and normally equate it with the kind of women who have no other interests, ambitions or focus beyond their child rearing and- sorry if this offends- it usually seems to be the case that they haven't spent any time in education or in building a career. I'm not some hard nosed career woman either, I do t even think I want to go back to my job (as a teacher) for a good few years after baby is born.... However I've waited until nearly 30 to have a child and generally just done some things and seen some places so I think I'm in a better position to have some perspective.

Mind you, come back in six months and I may have become the kind of person who posts those fonty-graphics on Facebook that say things about babies being like the sunrise over the desert Shock

This is probably making me sound like a really heartless person so I will stop now. But it has reminded me of when I was 6 months gone and round SILs for dinner with DH and his parents. SIL said "it must be beautiful to love something south already eventhough you've never met them" and I said, all matter of fact, "Well I'm not sure I do love it. I mean, I feel protective of it and I know I will love it as soon as I met it but at the moment I don't think I love it any more than I love my kidneys... I mean, I don't want anything bad to happen to them either!"

God, you'd have thought I had killed her dog. The look on hers and MILs faces was epic.

Maybe I am just an inherently hard hearted woman! Grin

beccajoh · 01/07/2014 17:09

My children are everything to me, but I am seriously ill so my focus has changed. I think about my children, my husband and my illness. Nothing else really matters to me at the moment tbh.

YouMakeMeHappy · 01/07/2014 17:10

My husband and children probably ARE the focus of my life. I wouldn't bore other people by banging on about them though. I don't know if it's "right" or not but I don't work or have hobbies so everything i do revolves around them.
I'd always rather be with my husband than anyone else though.. Which is how it should be I think

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 01/07/2014 17:10

Frankly it depends in the minute of the day you catch me in. I might be sentimental one minute, then striding harridan another.

I wouldn't expect what I gush in my sentimental moment to be considered all there is to me though. Any more than I would the harridan!

People tend to be more than one thing.

FlirtingWithConvention · 01/07/2014 17:11

I wonder if they could be keeping to a safe topic, since you don't know each other well, - the kids. I feel quite anxious straying off of the topic of children with parents at school because I have strong political positions and feel scared that unwise conversations could flare into a massive bust-up which wouldn't be good for my kids.

Having said that I am pretty besotted with my children, but I am not a 'natural' mother - I am really impressed with other parents who are totally devoted because my mind is usually elsewhere.

OorWullie · 01/07/2014 17:12

I was about to say I adore my son and in some ways he is my reason for living, but he has just emerged from the bathroom covered head to toe in toothpaste so i take it back Grin

MildDrPepperAddiction · 01/07/2014 17:13

I feel sorry for their children. How can they learn to be individuals whilst living under such a microscope? Children need to be loved and cared for, not made to stand on a pedestal.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 17:14

Thatstoast too bloody right! Chocolate, petit filous and pineapple would be the only foods to cross my threshold. But shhh! You may be the only person on this threads who knows whether that's a joke or not Wink

I think personally I just find it devaluing. I'm a mother but I am so much more than that, it doesn't or at least shouldn't define me. If I say my children are my entire world or whatever then surely that means I have nothing else going on in my world. That's isn't true, my children are a much loved part of my world but not it's sole occupants despite what the little buggers might like to think.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 01/07/2014 17:15

Being a mum means the world to me and agree with thegreyady even when they leave home they are still in your life.
When they were at home and 1 dd is still only young, they are my life.
I don't think its a competition of who loves their dc more, but personal preference and differing values of parenting.

I was totally fulfilled before dc and will be the same when dd leaves, but for now she is my main focus.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 01/07/2014 17:18

It all sounds a bit Peter Andre to me.
Obviously I love my DC but I love myself too and doing stuff for myself.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 17:23

And just to add I'm not trying to make this a wohm vs sahm thread. I think a lot of people will reference work as something else big on their life because it's quite an obvious one, but I wouldn't say it's related to that. There at either things like hobbies and friends or just having different thoughts.

The implication today certainly seemed to be the main thing they think about is their children and that it's almost the only thing they enjoy thinking about which again just baffles me.

OP posts: