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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the whole "my DC are my world/reason for existence/only focus" a bit much?

116 replies

MamaPain · 01/07/2014 16:53

Obviously I love and adore my DC, but today I spent time with a new group of people and was a bit overwhelmed by their devoted worship of their DC.

The conversation somehow moved into this alternate universe discussion about how much we love our children. I don't know if there is some underlying rivalry between two of these women but they were saying their DC basically are their only reason for being or doing anything and only seemed to be enthusiastic when asked about their DC.

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

Or do I not love my DC as much as the next person?

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 22:33

SO without your daughter you would die? Why though? Or am I missing the obvious?

OP posts:
Xcountry · 01/07/2014 22:34

I sort of see both sides, I have things to do besides DH and the children but realistically I probably wouldn't have survived without them. I fell pregnant young and it forced me to re evaluate my life and where it was going, had it not been for that I would have more than likely followed my mother down the route that led to me being taken from her at 4 months and not been alive today for the sheer quantity of it.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2014 22:39

My DS is everything to me. He's only 14 weeks and nothing is as important as him. My life before him now seems so superficial and the career I loved just seems irrelevant now.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the whirlwind happiness of having a new(ish) baby but hand on my heart, he makes me happier than anything or anyone else.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/07/2014 22:40

yanbu

mummy martyr's are tedious, I am sure their children will find them overbearing when they get older as everyone else does

I do not need to get all competitive or overly sentimental about how much i love ds he knows I just assumed everyone felt the same

LtEveDallas · 01/07/2014 22:44

It's obvious for me MamaPain, but I suppose that is simply because I am talking about my own feelings. I wouldn't want to live on without my DD, I don't see the point in life without her. It's that simple. No gushing or 'oneupmanship' or anything like that, just a stark personal fact.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/07/2014 22:46

and as for the I never buy anything for myself now, as I want for nothing anymore I just want to spend all my money on my baby

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2014 22:49

I wasnt supposed to have children a dr told me they are my life doesnt mean I keep them to my busom or anything I have not mourned them growing up but they are my focus and my life

ginzillas · 01/07/2014 22:55

LtEveDallas I feel the same. I'm not a mummy martyr. I have a life and a career and other interests. But without my DD I don't think I could carry on. Would never share that in real life though.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/07/2014 22:59

I am sure vast majority feel they could not go on without their children/child if they gave it that much thought

but most do, life never being the same and filled with deep sadness but they do

Happydaysatlast · 01/07/2014 23:00

Ischippi absolutely not. If we can't share here and be bloody honest we can't anywhere. Grin

Suzannewithaplan · 01/07/2014 23:02

we are all different, some people find being a parent totally fulfilling, others less so, still others find it a burden.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 23:02

I'm sorry I can't understand that mindset at all. I'm presuming you mean on an emotional level rather than a practical one.

What did you do before your DD, did you not want to exist then? Wouldn't you have just carried on as that life without her had she not been born. I'm not talking about loss, because obviously to have and then lose a child is completely different to never having had one at all.

OP posts:
Happydaysatlast · 01/07/2014 23:04

Yes agree all the above.

It's a great parent that encourages their kids to fly, and it's a really great parent that keeps their feelings of dread at the actual flying to themselves.

nooka · 01/07/2014 23:04

But people do lose their children and they do carry on, and that's absolutely no judgement on how much they loved their children. My cousin died at five, and his parents were obviously devastated, but their lives didn't lose meaning, they have just carried a great sadness ever since. Likewise when my aunt died at 30 my grandparents were very very upset, and mourned her until they themselves died, but their lives didn't stop.

I can understand the objective 'my life turned a corner when I had children' thinking, the hypothetical drama just seems a bit indulgent to me.

I wouldn't hang out with people who worshiped their children so overtly, I'd find it very uncomfortable and they would probably greatly disapprove of my life choices. I used to go out with a group of 'mum friends', and the one rule was not to talk about the children if we had a night out together, as it was adult time for all of us (different if they were there). I can't imagine it would be terribly healthy for children to hear the 'love competition' either. I tell my children I love them, not groups of relative strangers.

ExamStresses14 · 01/07/2014 23:07

I nearly lost DC1 at four days old. Was told he wouldn't make the hospital to hospital transfer - then told he may not make a life saving operation. DC1 now has a serious medical condition and my life will always revolve around this.

I do worship the ground my children walk on. However, having had my children quite early on in my life, I have always tried to make sure that I carve out a career and life for myself. I have other things which means that my focus cannot always be on the DC - this causes problems mainly because of DC1's health. If it were a competition between work/studies/social life or DC - DC would always win. But I like a balance, as I am still a person in my own right and would like to experience other aspects of life (sometimes with and sometimes without my DC).

Despite all of this I'm not remotely gushy about them normally. I just get on with raising them. I try my best and I hope they have wonderful childhoods that they look back on. Equally I hope they remain as close to me when they are older. But I can't stand mummy martyrs.

scottishmummy · 01/07/2014 23:08

But the reality is parents do carry on after a bereavement.in a life changing way

LtEveDallas · 01/07/2014 23:16

MamaPain. Before DD I was still me, still am me. But maybe I'd never met anyone before that I loved more than myself - now I have. I had a happy life before her, I've got a happy life with her. But they are different. If she had never been born I would still be the person I was, now she is here I am the same person but with a different focus.

Simple example. If I lived on my own I would happily live in a small flat without a garden. I don't like gardening, I don't particularly like being outside. But DD spends most of her time outside, so we bought a house with a big garden, I still don't like gardening, but seeing her playing outside makes me happy. Her being happy makes me happy.

I have a DH, mates, work, play, passions and aversions just like every other person, but DD trumps all of them every time.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 23:20

Oh of course people carry on after a bereavement I was more intrigued by the idea that someone couldn't exist without their children, not in the case of the having them and then experiencing loss but the idea they wouldn't want to exist had their child not been born.

LtEve, you've sort of made my point then. In that yes you would have still had a life and happiness had your DD not been born.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 23:21

I seriously have to go and make a chocolate cake but I will come back to this tomorrow.

OP posts:
Happydaysatlast · 01/07/2014 23:22

Just because people are sharing feelings here most emphatically doesnt mean they share this in RL or they are telling their children that. That is very self indulgent.

I don't think it's appropriate to judge people's reactions to loosing a child or what is the right thing to do.

Some people carry on and obviously suffer for the rest of their lives, others can't and commit suecide or self destruct.

It's a very frightening concept.

ladyblablah · 01/07/2014 23:25

Nobody loves theirs kids as much as Peter Andre. Thought we all knew this.

Did you tell these people today OP? They need to know.

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/07/2014 23:27

Really interesting thread.

I'm an accidental sahm. I'm enjoying it way more than I thought I was capable of. My son makes me really gushy and I love talking about him when I'm not with him but I'm really looking forward to getting back into work when I get my act together.

I think you can have similar sentiments to 'they are my world' and really enjoy your own time, space, pursuits etc

As a PP said about how you'd feel when they left home if they were your only focus. Probably be the MIL from Hell haha

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 01/07/2014 23:32

YNBU to feel as you do - but on the other hand I think you are exceptionally lucky that you have a full enough life and enough options/chances of happiness to make life worthwhile if you did not have your children.

I only live for my cats. My cats live a full, happy life. I may be a total and utter failure in pretty much every aspect of my life - but I am a success in this one. I can imagine many people with children feel the same. Even if they can't be happy themselves - they can give their children the chance of a worthwhile, happy life and gain enough happiness through their children's happiness to be able to keep going.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/07/2014 23:36

hate to even think this but if any of my DC were to die, I'm certain I would lose the will to live so now that I have them, they sort of are my life. Yes, I do other stuff and interact with other people, etc, but nothing beats my family.

Jinsei · 01/07/2014 23:37

My dd is the biggest source of joy in my life, and I don't think my happiness would be equal if I didn't have her. Her wellbeing is always my first priority.

I cannot contemplate what it would be like to lose her. I don't suppose any of us who haven't been in that awful position know how we would react if the worst were to happen. It doesn't bear thinking about. But as others have acknowledged, losing a much loved child is totally different to never having had children in the first place.

For all that I am happier for having her, I would not say that dd is my life. My life is full of many things and many people. I think it would put far too much pressure on a child if a parent felt like this. You cannot have all if your emotional energy invested in your kids - it's not fair to them, surely?