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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the whole "my DC are my world/reason for existence/only focus" a bit much?

116 replies

MamaPain · 01/07/2014 16:53

Obviously I love and adore my DC, but today I spent time with a new group of people and was a bit overwhelmed by their devoted worship of their DC.

The conversation somehow moved into this alternate universe discussion about how much we love our children. I don't know if there is some underlying rivalry between two of these women but they were saying their DC basically are their only reason for being or doing anything and only seemed to be enthusiastic when asked about their DC.

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

Or do I not love my DC as much as the next person?

OP posts:
Floundering · 01/07/2014 21:19

I am facing 2 weeks without my 2 teens, as they're off with their Dad on holiday.

I will miss them a bit I think, but I have an empty laundry basket, & a full fridge & several bottles of wine which I shall enjoy as not being Mums Taxi. Grin

When I told someone I was quite looking forward to it, she looked like this >>> Shock

I also hate it when I hear mothers saying their kids are their best friends....that is not a mums role.

I get on with mine brilliantly we are very close but they have best friends of their own age.

scottishmummy · 01/07/2014 21:21

Im not defined by the kids,nor amidevined by motherhood
I find mummy or parental martyrs crushingly dull and too earnest

babybarrister · 01/07/2014 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GothMummy · 01/07/2014 21:30

Well, mine are my sun, moon and stars, and nothing on Earth is more important to me than them. But i also have multiple hobbies and a professional job, so will survive perfectly well when they leave home.

scottishmummy · 01/07/2014 21:33

No im not the weans friend,im parent.a parent isnt their pal,parenting is boundaried

Thurlow · 01/07/2014 21:35

I don't like the "I'm their friend" idea either. Hopefully I will always be someone they enjoy spending time with, have fun with, and can tell their secrets and problems to. And hopefully when they are an adult we will be friends. But while they're a child I'm going to be their parent, and raise them.

SlightlyNerdyPianist · 01/07/2014 21:39

YANB. I have one DD and she is my priority, but at the same time I am building a career for myself and when she leaves home in 2 years for Uni I will have social and professionally life of my own. I met someone through work once who tried to turn this 'my children are my world' thing a bloody competition, and it really made me heave. Every sodding break time she would say 'my little darling X is my world, he is my ABSOLUTE WORLD, is your daughter your ABSOLUTE WORLD too? Is she? IS SHE??" No. Feck off. I have a life.

Wickeddevil · 01/07/2014 21:43

Is this not an example of PFB? We all love our own children, and most of us tolerate other people's. And we all know there are parents - not exclusively mothers - who haven't realised that bit, and assume that you love their DC as much as they do.

Likewise expressing love for your DC can be a competitive sport for some.
And then there are those of us who just get on with it. Pretty sure that doesn't make us worse parents.

BomberManIsAGirl · 01/07/2014 21:44

I think my kids are all fab but I think I don't think its in their interest for them to be my whole world. The youngest is 17 and the eldest 3 are all at Uni. I still do mum stuff but I genuinely think its in their best interest for me to step back and let them live their own lives.

I refuse to be one of those Mums that are still asking their adult children if they are eating properly or some such motherly type of thing. I might think it in my head but I try to keep it to myself although it hard sometimes I am happy when they ask my advice but it's up to them what they do in life.

I don't miss them much and I think it's because it know they are happy off doing their own thing. It's great when we all get together but they usually seem happy to head off afterwards.

I am sure my kids are glad that DH and I enjoy our life when we are not with them. They would hate it if they thought we were sitting at home waiting for their calls.

Obviously I really, really, really love my kids and I feel privileged to be part of their lives.

BomberManIsAGirl · 01/07/2014 21:44

Oops sorry for typos
...I don't think its in their interests....

SlightlyNerdyPianist · 01/07/2014 21:51

Likewise expressing love for your DC can be a competitive sport for some.
And then there are those of us who just get on with it. Pretty sure that doesn't make us worse parents.

I completely agree with you there. She was implying though, that I was a worse parent than her because I refused to get drawn into her ridiculous game (looking at me in horror because I wouldn't parrot back her words about my DD). Each to their own, but that sort of thing does make me nearly lose my dinner.

ThePowerOfMe · 01/07/2014 21:54

I don't think I've met people like that. Everyone I've met enjoys time out from their dcs and do stuff without them.
My dcs are my life in that I would sacrifice everything for them if I needed to.
Thankfully I don't so I'll carry on with things as they are.

SlightlyNerdyPianist · 01/07/2014 21:58

Thankfully I've only met the one! Grin

Happydaysatlast · 01/07/2014 22:04

Mine are of course the most important thing in my life as is dh.

When we thought dd had been killed a while back I clearly remember thinking that I would have to go with her to look after her,wherever she was going next, and the others would be ok with dh.

You actually feel far more protective and vulnerable as they get older precisely because they are no longer always with you or a carer. They are out in the world and that's hugely scary.

However the older ones survived gap years and uni and we encourage them to follow their dreams.

I am finding it hard to let go and will struggle with the girls but that's my private battle and I wouldn't dream of curtailing them.

I do think though that the secret to a truly happy stress free life is not having children and please no disrespect to anyone trying for children and not being successful.

I mean they once you have kids you surrender your heart and your vulnerability and truly understand pure and utter terror in the face of loosing one.

Happydaysatlast · 01/07/2014 22:06

Oh and the above is just for Internet with strangers.

Wouldn't dream of boring in RL about my kids or my feelings. Hate that sort of stuff so agree op.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 01/07/2014 22:06

Yanbu. Women like that don't have the resources to deal with the outside world so make themselves queens of their nursery to feel validated. Fortunately they are few and far between!

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/07/2014 22:12

YANBU. Like a pp said I was fulfilled before DD came along. I adore her but there's more to me than my child.

DH said the other say if DD died he'd kill himself. I was a bit Hmm - over dramatic and not very considerate of me! I wasn't amused!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/07/2014 22:17

Were you having a conversation with Peter Andre/Myleene Klass/Amanda Holden?

Cause they love their kids

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/07/2014 22:19

happydays just read your post and mine sounds very insensitive following that, apologies!

Jollyphonics · 01/07/2014 22:20

I have a career which I studied for for many years, is very important to me and part of my identity. But my kids are WAY more important, and I would quit my job in a heartbeat if it was necessary for my kids' wellbeing (can't see how it would be but you get my meaning).

I think it's easy to say "my kids are great and I wouldnt be without them now they're here, but I'd still have been just as happy if I hadn't had kids", if you've never faced infertility. I spent years having treatment and contemplating the very real possibility that I would never be a mother, and it terrified me. I felt a total failure, and utterly miserable. Despite friends, career, hobbies etc, I would have struggled to find a meaning to my life if I'd remained childless.

windchime · 01/07/2014 22:21

I think DH would have packed his bags by now if I spoke like that about DCs. They seriously need to get a life.

whattheseithakasmean · 01/07/2014 22:24

YANBU, none of my pals are like that & most of them are mums. I suppose our kids are older, but when I am out with my friends we are not bleating on about our children - just a friendly interest & update suffices.

I mean, we all love our kids, there is not need to throb on about it, surely? It is like those people that are all lovey dovey about their partner on facebook, blerk.

It always strikes me as a bit shallow & sentimental - the deepest feelings show themselves in silence. If not in silence, then restraint.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 22:28

Have been obsessing about making chocolate cake for one of my little darlings and forgot this thread.

Agree with lots of what's been said and happy most of you have understood what I was saying.

I think yes it's possible these people aren't connected to anything else in their life so are defined by their children but I think what I find strange is their so proud of it, which means they must think it's a good thing?!

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 01/07/2014 22:30

My DD is the most important thing in my life, and the most important person in my life. I do lots of other stuff, know lots of other people, but would drop it all in a heartbeat for her if I had to. There is nothing else that makes me feel this way.

If she wasn't around, I wouldn't be either. She is my only and I couldn't be without her. It doesn't make me suffocating or boring or over-dramatic. It's just the way I am.

Original poster
MamaPain · 01/07/2014 22:31

And another thing, all of these women are married/in long term relationships with the father of their children, yet no mention of the man, just talk of the DC. My DH is as important in my family life as my DC.

Most of my children are older than the children of these women so I don't know if I'm just the jaded old granny who thinks they'll all learn but I'm sure I was never like that.

OP posts: