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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the whole "my DC are my world/reason for existence/only focus" a bit much?

116 replies

MamaPain · 01/07/2014 16:53

Obviously I love and adore my DC, but today I spent time with a new group of people and was a bit overwhelmed by their devoted worship of their DC.

The conversation somehow moved into this alternate universe discussion about how much we love our children. I don't know if there is some underlying rivalry between two of these women but they were saying their DC basically are their only reason for being or doing anything and only seemed to be enthusiastic when asked about their DC.

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

Or do I not love my DC as much as the next person?

OP posts:

SarahThane · 01/07/2014 17:24

This is not an easy thing to say but my mother's reason for living was her children and I wish it had not been the case. I felt very much everything being poured in to me.

Andcake · 01/07/2014 17:26

A bit over the top but - I have the different perspective of what it was like longing for DC and having years of infertility. It was heartbreaking and ruined my life. I felt my life was pointless. My ds is my world but I am also a career woman - but must admit the idea of anything happening to him is horrific I would just want to die and see no reason to live. It is terrifying. i felt worthless as a women in my 30's despite being successful not having kids and the fragility of it scares me.

Goldmandra · 01/07/2014 17:27

Some people choose to make their children their one focus for a period of their lives and others see them as just one part of their lives and identities.

I'm not sure why you feel that one is less valuable than another.

SarahThane · 01/07/2014 17:35

She wasn't saying that, was she?

Original poster

MamaPain · 01/07/2014 17:41

I haven't said one is less valuable than the other. Completely taken what I've said out of context.

Perhaps I'm not particularly maternal. I love having children but I'm not mumsy.

I found it deeply dissatisfying when they did occupy the majority of my life.

However I've never been infertile or had to plan a pregnancy so I possibly have a different perspective.

OP posts:

Anotheronebitthedust · 01/07/2014 17:50

I was thinking something similar the other day. It's a tradition where I work for new starters to write a few short paragraphs about themselves for the newsletter (yeah, I know), and it was surprising how many people mainly wrote just about their spouse and kids. Yes, I suppose it's vaguely useful to know if someone is single or not, and yes, you may not want to spill your innermost secrets over the work intranet, but seriously, to me 'tell me about YOURSELF' means throw in a few titbits about what football team you support or your favourite place to travel, not listing the exact ages, careers, and interests of your children. I'm going to be working with you, not them!

ScarlettDragon · 01/07/2014 18:05

YANBU. It makes me shudder when I hear people say things like this, I find it almost sinister. But that's down to my own experiences. My mother was one of these women whose sole purpose for existing was her children. (Yeah so much so that she left my sister with my dad when she buggered off with her OM. ) She used to make me feel guilty for going out with my friends and not spending time with her. When I grew up she shifter her focus to my kids. She would say things like, "You and the kids are my reason for existing, I don't know what I'd do without you". Way to go with the pressure mum. I have no contact with her now, she practically smothered me to death.

I think people who feel the need to say those types of things are trying to prove something. It's all for show. Why do we need to know how much you (general you) love your kids? Why do think anyone gives a fuck? They probably don't have anything else going on in their lives and their relationship (if they're attached) is probably shite so they focus all their attention on their kids. (Was true of my mum). They try to get their emotional needs met by their kids rather than other adults, putting unfair pressure on the children, and stopping them from living their own lives.

If I sound bitter it's because I am!

I love my dds, they're the main focus in my life and probably still will be to an extent when they grow up. (DSD is and she's grown up). But they're not my sole reason for existing. I have other interests, and if I hadn't had them I'm sure I'd still be happy.

Openup41 · 01/07/2014 18:13

I love my dc to bits but I also like time for myself and ensure they are bathed and tucked into bed before 8pm.

Motherhood is an honour and I do see things differently now that I am a mother.

I care about their safety and well being and will do.literally everything in my power to ensure they are happy.

I do not bore people to death well only dh, dsis and dm about what my dc said/did that was so utterly hilarious.

maninawomansworld · 01/07/2014 19:54

I have 2 baby boys (twins), I love them so much but my god babies are dull (and bloody hard work).
I really can't wait until they're a bit older (like 8 or so) where you can have a semi intelligent conversation, take them fishing, take them out on the quad bike or whatever.
At the moment it's a case of just getting through the baby years knowing that all the real fun stuff is still to come! I think my focus will change then and maybe I will become someone who just lives for his children.

Smelsa · 01/07/2014 19:56

Everyone is different. Maybe they do genuinely feel that way. Maybe life was shit for them before and children have given them a reason to be happy.

I find it a bit overwhelming too though when they can't even chat about something other than children so yanbu

BorisJohnsonsHair · 01/07/2014 20:02

MamaPain I'm completely with you on this one. I have a friend whose children are her whole world. To the point where they're not allowed to go on school trips because she can't bear to be parted from them .

I love my DCs, but do have other interests mainly wine, so that when they eventually leave home I won't be left feeling redundant. My friend really can't bear the thought of her kids leaving home, whereas I think it's just the next stage and they, and I will both enjoy a new and different phase in our lives.

Should just add that said friend thinks she loves her children so much because they were IVF. I find this extremely patronising; just because I (fortunately) didn't have to go through hell to conceive my children it doesn't mean they mean less to me.

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 20:06

This sort of statement reminds me of women I have known who seem to lose their identities in their relationships, to the extent of changing their interests, hobbies, musical tastes, even hairstyles to match the current partner. And when they become single again, their only topic of conversation is finding a new boyfriend/husband.

I think when people (usually women) subsume their identities completely in relationships with others, there is a danger of losing sight of who they are. Obviously, many women can maintain a sense of self and be devoted mothers (or loving partners) at the same time. But I do think the danger is there.

mrsspagbol · 01/07/2014 20:07

Wow. Tough crowd.

My DD is my world. And yes i would mention her in an office icebreaker exercise. So there.

And yes i work. And have an education. Have a prof qual or 2. And have other interests.

But yes she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So there. Again.

frumpet · 01/07/2014 20:11

I think it depends if you know their back stories or not , one of my fb friends lost her first child at 38 weeks , so i am not in the least bit suprised that she see's her following two children as the light of her life . Another fb friend's husband was unfaithful to her whilst pregnant with their second child ( she doesnt know i know ) and i look at her posts with a certain amount of pity , because they are really over the top gushing ' isn't our little family (him included ) marvellous and arn't we blessed and isn't it all sooooooooo suuuuuper ' , but being the nice person i am , i just like the bloody post's

dimsum123 · 01/07/2014 20:27

My DC's aren't the sole focus of my life. I think about many,many other things. I find it weird when people say their DC's are their life. I see my job as a parent to make myself eventually redundant ie so DC's can be independent and live their own independent and seperate lives. If my DC's were my life, what on earth would I do when they go off to school/college/uni? My parents were really smothering and seemed dependent on me and my siblings for their happiness. It was horrible to carry such a burden. I would have far preferred them to have their own lives, interests and friends which did not involve me at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/07/2014 20:34

Can we not have both?
I would say my children are indeed absolutely everything to me, but I still do plenty of stuff without them too.

misscph1973 · 01/07/2014 20:38

I saw this sticker on the back of a car: "I (heart) my family", and it just made me want to throw up!

Yes, OP, it is over the top with these women who focus so much on their kids. I was about to say "if it makes them happy", but I think in the long run it just won't make them happy.

poppytripll · 01/07/2014 20:46

Yanbu to think it's a bit ott and possibly for show that they say it in public.

Yabu if you think there's something wrong for parents to feel this way - my job pays the bills, my house keeps us safe and my dd is the best thing that ever happened to me.

SquirrelledAway · 01/07/2014 20:49

I would be lost without my DCs. Who else could I mercilessly take the piss out of on a daily basis?

Disclaimer: I don't really. Well, not that much.

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 20:57

YANBU. I really don't like it when I hear mums saying this type of thing.

I don't have my own children but I am a step mum. When I tell people this I often get told why not it will be the best thing you ever do. At that point I tend to walk away. I am unable to have my own and don't need to be made to feel incomplete by 'professional mums'

KERALA1 · 01/07/2014 21:00

Has anyone else experienced people who socially talk almost exclusively about their dc. God it is so dull. And these are not parents of tiny children either. We went to a dinner party where all that was talked about were children all evening! Had appalling hangover as had to drink to excess to survive the night.

My sister was excited to have a night out with a group of slightly older professional women with really interesting jobs/lives. What did they discuss all evening? Their dcs exams/schooling yawn

PlumpPartridge · 01/07/2014 21:03

somedizzywhore, I completely agree with your viewpoint and I have two DC now! My life is immeasurably better but they are not the sum total of it

PlumpPartridge · 01/07/2014 21:08

Oh and dimsum123 - I completely agree with you re: eventual redundancy :)

mommy2ash · 01/07/2014 21:10

i think im one of those annoying people whose child probably means too much to them. i was never maternal in the slightest and even now don't particularly like other children unless they are very well behaved so when i had my dd the wave of love sort of shocked me a bit

i try to keep it to myself as much as i can though. i do have other interests in my life but my dd comes miles before anything and i would drop everything for her.

i am very much aware that as she gets older i need to let go lol

Thurlow · 01/07/2014 21:15

Obviously my DC is the most important person in my life. She's my priority. When she is ill, or childcare goes up the swanney, then work can sod off - DD comes first.

Having said that I work f/t when I don't have to and I quite regularly and happily wave her off to stay for a night or so with family despite her only being a toddler.

I never understood the 'can't bear to be parted for a second' feelings that a lot of women seem to have. I swear I ran gleefully to a funeral, of all things, when DD was 5wo because I was looking forward to just two hours without nappies, vomit and crying But I guess that one is just a gut feeling some people have.

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