To find the whole "my DC are my world/reason for existence/only focus" a bit much?

[MamaPain]

Obviously I love and adore my DC, but today I spent time with a new group of people and was a bit overwhelmed by their devoted worship of their DC.

The conversation somehow moved into this alternate universe discussion about how much we love our children. I don't know if there is some underlying rivalry between two of these women but they were saying their DC basically are their only reason for being or doing anything and only seemed to be enthusiastic when asked about their DC.

I'm happy to have my DC but if I didn't have them I wouldn't cease to exist or live an empty life. I'm sure I'd have equal happiness.

Or do I not love my DC as much as the next person?

As regards the other questions posed above by people as why kids can be a persons only focus - I will try and answer! Clearly it can only be in respect of myself. Life is not a level playing field. Not everyone has an even chance to have a meaningful life, no matter how hard they try.

I was raped and tortured as a young child (pre school age). Never really knew how to make friends/be around people - I was and continue to be very socially isolated. My entire family was dead by my late teens. In my 20's I believed things could change - that I could change and be like everyone else - fall in love, have kids, get married, have friends, have a good career. Life didn't work like that for me.

Fast forward to my 40's. I am a fat, middle aged women with no self esteem. I failed, In absolutely everything I tried. I have no friends other than online. I have not been on a date in 15 years. I have no partner, no kids, no family. I hated my career and I risked EVERYTHING to try and get a career I enjoyed and that would give meaning to my life. I sold my home, spent all of my lifes savings and went back to uni. The recession damaged my investments and left me with not enough money to finish my degree..... So I have nothing. Absolutely nothing, and no matter how positive a spin you put on it, in my 40's I have almost no chance of ever having anything worthwhile. I couldn't get my old career back as I had been gone too long. I hated it but it was well paid and allowed me to have hobbies and interests I enjoyed (expensive ones sadly!). I now work in a low paid job with no prospect of ever saving up enough to finish uni. Everything I earn goes towards paying off my debts. I have no hobbies or interests. I have no friends to meet up with. I am in a lot of pain with back problems and recently had quite a major operation. All that keeps me going is the cats. They are happy and it gives me enough to keep going.

20 years of constant failure is a long time. Sometimes people are just unlucky and end up in a place where there is no more to give. They may look like they have husbands and a nice life - but behind closed doors all sorts go on. To most people I probably look like a fat, frumpy middle aged women, not a total and utter failure with no life.

NaughtySpottyBengalCat that's a lovely post. My cat is snuggled up to me too and unlike my dcs she never judges me but just purrs.

I luffs cats.

Oh sweet Jesus I only read your previous post I am so sorry of that was inappropriate Naughty please do accept my apologies and emphatically you don't sound at all a failure.

Awww - cats are lovely aren't they Happydays You have a lucky cat too I see! :) I have 2 and one is snuggled on my lap and the other has the not so good spot on my legs (too far away for a massage!!!). I love a cats purrr - so calming. I didn't know what it was to be loved and to love in return until I got my lovely cats :)

You said you have no friends other than online? I absolutely know lots of mumsnetters meet up in RL and support each other/have fun. Could you maybe think of that?

naughty, you don't sound like a failure at all, you sound like a survivor. I'm sorry you've had so many difficult things to deal with - it doesn't sound like any of them have been your fault. It's lovely that you get so much pleasure out of your cats.

Of course it wasn't inappropriate at all Happydays It was really nice of you to comment on my post :) I love to hear from other cat lovers and happy purrring cats.I had an operation recently and I am sure I healed more quickly due to having the cats purrring on me all day!!

Naughty . I hope things work out for you

Totally agree ^^ you sound bloody wonderful Naughty an absolute survivor.

My cats are equally draped on the bed after the 3 night time dreamies treat.

When life is hard a purring cat and a warm
Paw are unbeatable

It is a good idea Happydays - to meet up with other mumsnetters I mean :) Maybe in a little while when I feel a bit better about myself. I have so little confidence, and no clothes other than for work and the gym, so I would be too embarrassed to meet anyone at the moment. Its been a couple of years since I had a friend to meet up with face to face. I am not sure I know how any more .

I did used to have face to face friends once though!!! I moved to this area where I know no-one for work as it was the only job I could find. I have good friends online that matter a great deal to me which is good as I find face to face meetings with people hard. I suffer from depression, so meeting people is a massive effort and more often than not I chicken out at the last minute and let people down which isn't nice of me. So really meeting up with people is more stressful than pleasurable though I know that I need to make the effort at some point.

I am applying for loads of jobs, all near to where my friends live (SE and London) and I hope eventually I will get something better than I have now. Then I can start to save - pay off my debts first of all, and then try and save to get back to uni eventually. In my less depressed moments I do try and be more positive and believe maybe there is some sort of life for me if I can keep trying. I will never be able to afford to retire so I will be working up until my 70's/80's/when I drop dead. Even if I finished uni in 10 or 12 years - when I am 55 say -I would still have 20 years minimum working life left - so part of me says I should hold onto my dreams and just keep plugging away. The other part says it is time to admit defeat and see myself for what I am.

Thank you for your support Ansons" and Jinsei* Life will work out the way it is supposed to I guess. I am lucky as I have my cats, a job, food and shelter. With those things I can still have hope. I am close to rock bottom but not there yet. Not quite. The cats are 13 now and I do know there has to be some major changes in my life before they go, otherwise I will have no point to continue. I know some of my friends would be hurt - and I don't want to hurt anyone :(

Sorry if this thread has turned a little bit about me OP. But I hope it answers some of your questions. To all intents and purposes to my work colleagues I am a completely normal, average person. Not the total failure and freak that I am in reality. I do not think it would enter their heads that I have no family and no friends. No hobbies and no interests. That I would not know what a kiss was like if it jumped up and pecked me on the cheek. I lie about who I am so as not to attract attention. If people ask about my weekend sometimes I make something up so as to appear normal. Tell them I went out for a meal with friends. Maybe these new people who you met who seem so fixated on their children have nothing else in their lives either. Maybe they are in an abusive relationship, maybe they are in debt so have no money for hobbies or fun, maybe they have serious underlying health issues. Particularly when meeting someone new, they may have put on a brave face, and just not reveal just how awful everything is - instead they have focused on the one thing that gets them out of bed as that really is all they have.

My child is my only reason for living and that's a fact.

But I'm disabled now, and living in daily pure and unadulterated hell, and I'm only here as I can't destroy my son, which I would if I took away his only parent and foundation for his life.

It's not a good feeling. Its no way to live. And it doesn't make me a good person. tbh I feel very resentful of it sometimes. But it's just what I have to do, and will carry on doing.

I'd be dead if it wasn't for my DD. She's all I have to live for and the only thing to remind me to keep breathing every day. If she didn't exist then nor would I by now, it's been a close call a few times even with her being here.

Some very sad posts here now - and love to all of you who are suffering.

I used to think that if anything happened to DS1, that I wouldn't be able to carry on without him, that the pain would be too much to bear. And then I had DS2 and now the option of not carrying on is taken away. I had terrible thoughts while I was pg with DS2 - "if anything bad happened to me, then they'd need to save me not the baby because of Ds1" was the usual outcome of those thoughts.

But still - MIL has taken both boys out for the morning and my instant reaction when they left was "Freedom!" and I'm wasting it sitting here on MN!

Naughty we organised a MN meet up where I live and it was great. All different people, with clothes and figures ranging from fabulous to flumpy and plumpy on me. No one was judging or mean.

When you are out of the habit, it can be very hard. I moved countries and found it REALLY difficult. But, there are people out there who would love to meet you.

YABU.
If i didn't have my dd I don't think I would have stayed married, she's the one thing we both have in common these days. I would be in my mid 30s camping in my bickering parents minging house.
Either that or i would be just me and oh and a job i loathe with every fibre of my being and getting more and more miserable.

Yes, there are things I enjoy doing but nothing life fulfilling.

All my friends have children now and we moved when dd was tiny so all my friendship group locally are connected by dd. I had no friends in the town we lived in before (very very insular place), I was very lonely.

I haven't had a career, I've had crap jobs. I haven't seen everything of the world, I haven't had a job I wanted since my teens, I haven't done anything much. But I do have a beautiful, clever (well, for 18 months!) Dd who is happy, well cared for and has made my life the happiest I've ever been. She has her while life ahead and can see the world, do whatever she wants and i will be there to help and support her and hear all about the wonderful things she is capable of and doing.

so yes, she is the light of my life and everything I live for.

Naughty as MrsTerry so rightly says there are loads of people here who would love to meet you. Keep posting and in touch,

You know what the older I get the more I realise that far far more people are waving but drowning than you imagine.

It's a tribute to you and the other posters in difficulties who manage to appear grounded and coping. That's a skill and a success in itself.

And I had a perfect cat cuddle all night.