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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt that someone brought out a bday cake for someone else on my bday

137 replies

happy362 · 01/07/2014 13:59

I was at my partner's family bbq on my birthday. The bbq was pre arranged but everyone did know it was my birthday and they did all say they hoped i would have a good day and a happy birthday when i came in which I thought was nice.
I didnt expect any cards or presents. When the food was finisihed I helped take some plates into the kitchen and I saw a birthday cake and didnt say anything as I thought it was supposed to be a surprise. My partners aunty came into the living with the cake and then announed that the cake was for her sister whose birthday it was in 4 days time and could we all sing happy birthday.I felt really embarrased that I had thought the cake was for me and then felt so awkward singing happy birthday on my actual birthday to someone whose birthday it wasnt!

My embarrassment turned to hurt however as I felt that was a horrid thing to do. Maybe it was just a general oversight and she didnt think, but I cant help but wonder if she just didnt want the cake to be shared with me.

My partner has apologised to me over it but no one else has said anything. They just acted awkward.

This event has really upset me. Am I too old to be being upset about my bda? am i unreasonable?

OP posts:

rustnmarty · 01/07/2014 18:51

I can't remember the exact details to be honest but if it's not about you its scarily similar ( the same !!!!)

rustnmarty · 01/07/2014 18:53

Is the aunt likely to post on baby centre ?

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 19:04

I think you are overreacting, TBH. The aunt has known her own sister for more than 40 years, and she has met you 5-6 times casually in the course of a couple of years. Since it was a family occasion, it seems entirely appropriate to celebrate the birthday of a family member, even if the actual birthday didn't happen for another 4 days.

It would have been gracious of the aunts (the cake-provider and the birthday aunt) to include you in the celebration, but I don't think it's a big deal that they didn't.

What I can't get over is that they didn't serve the cake at the party! Is that a British cultural tradition I'm unaware of? (I'm not British and it makes no sense to me to display a birthday cake to guests and then not serve it!)

Hissy · 01/07/2014 19:06

Did they cut the cake and not share it? Then took the rest of the cake home? Really? Sheesh.

Cerisier · 01/07/2014 19:14

I have never seen a cake brought out but not be eaten either. It is all very odd. OP I would have been very upset in your position too.

KatieKaye · 01/07/2014 19:34

Elk - if it would have been gracious of the aunts (the cake-provider and the birthday aunt) to include you then it follows that not to include her was ungracious.
OP is part of the family too - by virtue of being with DP for 2 years. What sort of family ignores a newer member like that?
Why is it appropriate to celebrate a birthday before it occurs, ignore the person whose actual birthday it is and then take the whole cake home without offering anyone a slice?
The last is seriously peculiar, but fits in with the general meanness OP experienced from the two mad aunts. they sound a charming pair.

Original poster

happy362 · 01/07/2014 19:41

i do feel it was mean but i dont think they are mean people just did a thoughtless thing. me and partner left before some so maybe it was cut and eaten then so i cant say for definite she took it hope but i didnt see anyone cut it or offer it out lol.

probably for the best. i would have been absolutely gutted to be eating someone elses bday cake on my bday.

to be honest i have got over it now. in fact i talk about it as a joke to my friends who were all gobsmacked at it.

i just wondered if it was unreasonable to be so hurt.

glad to see most people do think it was bad

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 01/07/2014 19:50

I won't say you are unreasonable to feel hurt because your feelings are your feelings and that's all there is to it. But I am stunned on reading this thread as to what a big deal birthdays are to other people. I remember crying on my 14th birthday because my parents hadn't got round to buying me a present and a card and my family thought I was bonkers and if I'm honest I got a sound telling off for it.

As an adult I've never had a birthday celebration as such, just a card and small present (eg shower stuff or a candle) from one or two of my siblings and my parents, and something a little bit bigger from DH.

The point I'm trying to make is that if someone came to my house, and it happened to be their birthday, but it also happened to be my own sister's birthday, it's entirely possible that I might have a cake for my sister but not for them. It's not because I'm some horrible nasty vicious arse, but because I genuinely would have no clue that anyone who is not my sibling might expect their birthday to be acknowledged. It's not something that my family or friends do, so if someone new came into the family it would never occur to me that they might take birthdays very seriously. And that is their own business, and is fine, but it's not what I'm used to.

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 19:51

O.K., I really don't understand this: "i would have been absolutely gutted to be eating someone elses bday cake on my bday." I genuinely can't imagine why you would have been so upset about it. I've been in similar situations a number of times and I don't understand the hurt feelings.

KatieKaye, I don't think it was "ungracious" for the aunt not to share the birthday celebration with the OP. To me, that would be a perfectly appropriate thing to do which wouldn't raise a single eyebrow. Surely there is a difference WRT degrees of relationships. Of course the aunt knows her own sister far better than she knows the partner of a nephew whom she has met a few times in the past two years. So providing a birthday for one's sister at a family occasion seems completely normal.

Everyone at the party did acknowledge the OP's birthday. I don't see why she would expect anything beyond the good wishes that were offered to her.

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 19:53

That should read "providing a birthday cake."

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/07/2014 19:58

All together now:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dearHappy362
Happy birthday to you.

A nationally recognised birthday, OP.

KatieKaye · 01/07/2014 20:02

I was commenting on your choice of language, Elk. If "it would have been gracious" to do X then it logically follows that to not do X is ungracious.

Perhaps in your world it is normal not to make a newer family member feel welcome? In my world we'd do our very best to make that person feel a part of our family, not push them to one side as if they are worthless.

OP did not expect anything, as she has acknowledged many times. And she certainly didn't expect a future birthday to be celebrated with a cake and singing while she had to stand there like a lemon. So she's sensitive? So what? that's better than the brazen rudeness of the two aunts.

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 20:12

No, it doesn't follow, KatieKaye. An action may be gracious or it may be neutral. Or it may be patronising or it may be overly familiar or a plethora of other things. In this case, I would say that not sharing the celebration with the OP was simply neutral.

As for the rest of your post. . . Well, I'll just leave it there.

treaclesoda · 01/07/2014 20:14

'brazen rudeness' is really harsh. Maybe the aunts had no idea that the OP would have expected/would have liked to be included in the birthday cake thing? It's perfectly normal to a lot of people that that sort of thing is really only done by partners and siblings.

BackforGood · 01/07/2014 20:14

i would have been absolutely gutted to be eating someone elses bday cake on my bday

Really ? really ?

If my 10 yr old niece can manage (and has done all her life, sharing her 'weekend' with her big cousin), I find it absolutely amazing that a grown up can't.

I don't disagree, in a perfect world - ie, if she'd thought about it before hand, it would have been nice to bring 2 cakes if there were 2 birthdays, but this is SUCH an over-reaction.

treaclesoda · 01/07/2014 20:15

although taking the cake home rather than sharing it round is just plain weird

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2014 20:19

Maybe the 2nd aunt was embarrassed about the awkwardness so tucked it away to take home so as not to draw out the awkward situation any longer.

So how it went was

there was a family BBQ that landed on the same day are your birthday.
You decided you were happy to go to that on your birthday. All fine.

Your DP provided you with gifts etc in the morning. All fine.

your DP, knowing you like neither cake nor fuss, didn't provide you with cake or fuss. All fine.

auntie1 knows auntie2 does like cake and does like fuss so decided to make her cake and fuss to be had when her family were all together at the family do a few days before. All fine.

When the moment arrives it all becomes clear that it's all a bit awkward and odd. and it's understandable that you feel a bit put out by it.

However, you got what you wanted, and auntie1 got what she wanted, and auntie2 got what she wanted, it just all clashed a bit in situ. If your birthday had been a week before then your feelings wouldn't be hurt would they?

KatieKaye · 01/07/2014 20:24

Elk, you are deliberately changing the position.
An action may be gracious or it may be neutral. Or it may be patronising or it may be overly familiar or a plethora of other things.

Indeed. But if an action is gracious then to do the reverse is ungracious. You said it would have been gravious to include OP- and therefore to not include her is ungracious. Not neutral, or overly familiar or whatever.

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2014 20:28

No, it could be neutral.

She didn't do 'the reverse'.

MissDuke · 01/07/2014 20:28

Op, yabu. You have completely over reacted - this 'ruined' your birthday?? Oh dear! I do find it odd, but not nasty as you described it. I also find it odd you aren't more curious about the reverse on babycentre...

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 20:28

Well, no. That is not the case logically.

For example, if someone offers me a lift home after an event, I would say that would be a kind thing to do. If that person doesn't offer me a lift, I wouldn't think that he/she had done something unkind.

ElkTheory · 01/07/2014 20:29

My last post was meant to be addressed to KatieKaye.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 01/07/2014 20:39

It's really not hard is it. You bring a cake for one person. You realise it's another's birthday too. You bring the cake out apologise for only getting one cake and they'll have to share, which of course makes them half their real age and then you say let's sing happy birthday to them both, and you sing happy birthday to both people.

Vintagejazz · 01/07/2014 20:50

Exactly. Just fucking sing happy birthday to both birthday girls, cut the cake and wish both a Happy Birthday.
Was this really beyond a woman in her 40s to grasp? She doesn't sound nasty, but she sounds a bit dim and thoughtless.

I wouldn't be gutted if it happened to me, but I would feel a bit annoyed and insulted.

treaclesoda · 01/07/2014 21:05

but that's not really a fail safe option either. I'd be affronted if I was at my dh's aunts house and suddenly the whole family started singing happy birthday to me, because I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I wouldn't be hurt by it but I'd certainly feel more awkward than if they just proceeded to present a cake to auntie no 2. So the assumption that it's the obvious solution isn't necessarily accurate.

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