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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt that someone brought out a bday cake for someone else on my bday

137 replies

happy362 · 01/07/2014 13:59

I was at my partner's family bbq on my birthday. The bbq was pre arranged but everyone did know it was my birthday and they did all say they hoped i would have a good day and a happy birthday when i came in which I thought was nice.
I didnt expect any cards or presents. When the food was finisihed I helped take some plates into the kitchen and I saw a birthday cake and didnt say anything as I thought it was supposed to be a surprise. My partners aunty came into the living with the cake and then announed that the cake was for her sister whose birthday it was in 4 days time and could we all sing happy birthday.I felt really embarrased that I had thought the cake was for me and then felt so awkward singing happy birthday on my actual birthday to someone whose birthday it wasnt!

My embarrassment turned to hurt however as I felt that was a horrid thing to do. Maybe it was just a general oversight and she didnt think, but I cant help but wonder if she just didnt want the cake to be shared with me.

My partner has apologised to me over it but no one else has said anything. They just acted awkward.

This event has really upset me. Am I too old to be being upset about my bda? am i unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/07/2014 14:23

I think that she is a caaaaah! that's just too shitty a thing to do, it's insane!

YANBU, Cake

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2014 14:27

Yes, it's cringeingly embarrassing and awkward, but mostly just unfortunate that it was your birthday.

However did you say that she brought out the cake for everyone to sing happy birthday but didn't share the cake out?

And it would have been most thoughtful to sing happy birthday to you both and bring the cake out for you both.

I think in the end you just have to let it go. It doesn't sound like anyone was being malicious. It's not something you wanted anyway.

InSummer · 01/07/2014 14:28

If they've know you a while, is it not possible that they've learnt you don't like a fuss? You can't have your cake and eat it (sorry! :p)

As it was his family hosting, I'd take a guess that it was arranged around the ladies bday.

CoffeeTea103 · 01/07/2014 14:32

How well do you know the family. It would be awkward to sing to someone you don't know well iyswim.
You should be upset with your dp if anyone. He should have got you a cake or when realized what's happening mentioned you as well!

Also, did you actually want to spend your birthday at his family BBQ?

pinkfairy84 · 01/07/2014 14:35

You have every right to be upset! That's a really awkward situation to put you in. Maybe she thought it was your partners responsibility to do that sort of thing for you? But even then she should have had the good grace to include you. I would be annoyed and would not be doing anything nice for her in the future.

Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:37

i wanted to spend the day at the bbq. i had a choice what to do on my bday.

im not upset at dp at all. hes lovely. i wouldnt have been upset about them not getting me a cake but was upset about the whole scenario.

i agree there was probably no malice, just thoughtfulness. i hope so anyway.

i have been with my partner 2 years and we meet up every 4 months or so.

OP posts:
Greyhound · 01/07/2014 14:38

Awww that was mean of them Hmm

I would have been hurt too.

I once worked in an office where a cake, wine, balloons, party etc were laid on for birthdays.

When it was my birthday, despite everyone knowing it was my birthday - nothing! I was really hurt Hmm

cestlavielife · 01/07/2014 14:39

"he didnt get me a cake because he knows im not a fan of bday cake and wouldnt want people singing to me"

so there you go - your p was responsible for organising anything as it was his family; you had told him you didn't want a fuss. so you cant have it both ways !
you don't like cake
you don't like singing.

so it was as you wished... your p followed your instructions. if in fact you like a "surprise" you have to be more explicit to p

ajandjjmum · 01/07/2014 14:40

I'd have been hacked off too. Infact, next year if they invite you at the same time, I would make a point of saying that you and DH can't go as you want to celebrate your birthday. But that might be me be childish!

BrianTheMole · 01/07/2014 14:41

It was pretty thoughtless of them. And rude. Happy belated birthday op.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/07/2014 14:41

I would probably have cried! How mean of them.

Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:42

of course dp was the one responsible for making my bday special. but thats irrelevent to whether is was unreasonablke for me to be hurt at what the aunty did.

it doesnt mean its acceptable for her to just bring out a bday cake for someone whose bday it wasnt even and then to add salt to the wounds ask us all to sing happy bday.

OP posts:
Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:44

thanks for the replies. im glad im not the only one who would have been gutted. im not a sensitive person but it hurt badly and ruined my bday. i felt like crying the rest of the day. i was angry too at the aunty for affecting my bday.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/07/2014 14:50

"i was angry too at the aunty for affecting my bday."

Now that is daft!

It wasn't a celebration for your bday it was a family get together.

Would have been nice if someone had suggested singing happy birthday jointly.

I don't see why the Aunt should have said that it was a joint bday cake though-I'm assuming it was cut & eaten at the bbq?

Daisymasie · 01/07/2014 14:54

I think it would have been gracious for the aunt to have included the OP in the cake and Happy Birthday singing. In fact, surely most adults would have automatically done this?

Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:55

diddl it wasnt a celebration for my bday but by celebrating someones bday it made it into a bday celebration and so both bdays should have been celbrated,.

im not really asking if what the aunty did was unreasonable, i have no doubt that it was a thoughtless and nasty thing to do eventhough im sure it wasnt intentional.

im just wondering if people felt my reaction to it was unreasonable.

OP posts:
GarlicJulyKit · 01/07/2014 14:56

Your feelings can't be 'wrong', they are your feelings. What happened would have made anybody feel sidelined, I think. Sounds like the aunt put her foot in it - and everybody decided to pretend nothing was wrong, when the others should really have taken charge & said to sing happy birthday to you and the sister. Are they scared of this aunt?

She does sound a right caah! Flowers Cake Wine Happy birthday :)

I was working in a restaurant on my 21st. The kitchen had made a lovely cake for me, which the staff were going to present with all the ceremony they usually gave customers :) It was really nice of them. Then a bloody customer announced it was his daughter's 18th and could they manage a birthday cake?!! Se got my cake, candles, all the restaurant clapping, etc (including me, with forced smile & watery eyes!) It shouldn't have upset me, as I knew they had thought of me, but my goodness it did!

Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:57

daisymasie i agree. i think what hurt even more is that when dp made a point that it was bday too they still never sang happy birthday and made the cake a joint thing.

even when the blunder was pointed out they didnt do the right thing.

my aunty took the cake home

OP posts:
Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:57

my dp aunty not my aunty.

OP posts:
Original poster
happy362 · 01/07/2014 14:58

aww garlic thats awful. i think a bday should be extra special no matter what the age

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 01/07/2014 15:04

You should have said in a very loud voice - after the singing to Aunty's sister - "oh goody - my cake will be coming out in a minute".

IrianofWay · 01/07/2014 15:08

I think your issue is with your DP for not bothering rather than with someone else, who may or may not have known it was your bday in advance and who was just trying to do something nice for someone she cared about.

YouMakeMeHappy · 01/07/2014 15:09

That's rude of the aunt! I'd feel like an idiot too!
Happy birthday :)

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/07/2014 15:09

Was the get together specifically planned to celebrate the auntie's birthday? If so, of course she is going to get a cake. It is quite normal to celebrate a birthday on a convenient weekend, rather than the actual day so I don't think it matters hugely that auntie's birthday was 4 days later.

However, you say you have been with your DP for 2 years and meet his extended family every 4 months or so. So they had met you probably 5 or 6 times before Sunday and therefore do know you a little. Had you been a new girlfriend (i.e. first meeting) then I would say that you are being completely oversensitive and why should you expect strangers to celebrate your birthday but as they do know you I think that at least a mention of it being your birthday too would have been the decent/nice thing to do.

Did they not even get you a birthday card? That seems quite mean too - it didn't need to be anything expensive, one from a multipack would have done - but if I had a guest coming to my home on their birthday, I would at least be offering a card. It's the thought that counts after all.

GarlicJulyKit · 01/07/2014 15:10

Thanks, happy362 - it was a verrrrry long time ago Grin Actually, that girl's father hadn't bothered ordering a cake for her 18th but the staff had planned my 21st. Even though I didn't get my treat, I was more 'cared about' than she was ... I was still upset, though, 21 is young enough to bother about such things.

I'm curious to know whether DP's family are scared of this aunt, or just wimps in general!