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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive or was this remark a bit.....odd?

156 replies

CiderLover · 30/06/2014 10:02

I am currently taking driving lessons, second lesson was yesterday.

I was struggling to remember how to approach a junction and my instructor was asking what the problem was. I replied that I'm not very good at multitasking and remembering the different things I need to do.

His reply

"What!!? You're a woman, multitasking is your thing. Women, can read, cook a meal AND make love all at the same time!" He then laughed.

It made the next few minutes quite awkward when I was already anxious!

AIBU to think his comment was inappropriate?

OP posts:
TheCatsBollocks · 30/06/2014 15:35

The " make love " is rank but he was joking. Yes a pathetic joke when you're trying to learn to drive but still a joke.

ChelsyHandy · 30/06/2014 15:35

Numanoid really?

"You've got big tits" or "I'd like to you" would be compliments to some too.

That's why most people with common sense stay away from such comments.

TheCatsBollocks · 30/06/2014 15:39

It's hardly on a par with ' you've got big tits '

Get it into perspective.

ChelsyHandy · 30/06/2014 15:46

No, the point is TheCatsBollocks that not everyone would feel complimented by a comment about multitasking or making love. He's being paid to teach driving.

I admit I'm more aware of it after being subjected to a whole driving test's worth of these comments. I could hardly drive for the constant chatting up, questions and descriptions of the life of the test examiner that he kept up. I heard all about his education, how he went to college to study again and his opinions on various subjects. It was constant and very off-putting.

I failed, of course - I didn't reciprocate and started ignoring him in the end - on very spurious reasons, and complained, knowing that it would just look like sour grapes but at least it would be on his record if he did it again. Although strangely an appointment in another town became available very quickly and I had a lovely test with the most old school, gentlemanly examiner possible. I passed with no errors at all.

I do appreciate some driving instructors tread a fine line between putting pupils at their ease and not being sleazy, but I don't think that's the case here. There is a very easy way for them to avoid such allegations - and that's not to say such things. I'd be astonished if this wasn't covered in training now too.

Numanoid · 30/06/2014 15:46

Chelsy I think there can be some times comments can be made within reason, though. There are some things that aren't going to be appropriate, especially if crude like that.

As part of a job I had when I was studying, people would contact us for engineer appointments and tell us "the man" hadn't turned up. Granted the majority were men, but it wasn't meant as an insult to women, I think some things are said in a non-discriminatory way, but can be taken the wrong way.

I guess in this scenario I see it as the same as this ^ That the instructor said something that he doesn't believe to be an absolute truth applied to all women.

I'm not trying to say anyone is wrong here, by the way. Just my thoughts. :)

Lottiedoubtie · 30/06/2014 15:57

My thoughts are that I'd like to live in a world where sexist things weren't just part of the fabric of life for us all to put up with.

Where people don't make jokes at women's expense and don't assume all competent engineers etc... are male.

As far as I can see the single best thing we can do to work towards this is say 'no actually I won't put up with this comment' or 'no I won't continue to employ the services of an instructor that makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable'

Bouttimeforwine · 30/06/2014 16:02

Blimy it was a joke.
What a big fuss about nothing - unless there were other things that happened that made the op feel uncomfortable, then what an unneccesary drama.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable generally, then get another instructer. If it was a one off give him the benefit of doubt.

emms1981 · 30/06/2014 16:05

My last insstructor told me about how he picked his ex wife up and chucked her across the room......
I no longer use him

TheSameBoat · 30/06/2014 16:09

I would be more fed up about the multi-tasking comment. Isn't that men use as a fake compliment to get us to do stuff they can't be arsed to do?

Besides who uses the phrase "make love" anymore? Who is he? Barry White?

Don't LTSB but do give him one more strike and he's out. He should know better. He's a prof, alone with a woman in a car that he has control of, surely he knows it's a bit inappropriate.

FreudiansSlipper · 30/06/2014 16:12

You felt uncomfortable with his crude comment its unprofessional and more than likely will be followed by more oh so hilarious crude comments

ask for another instructor you should not be feeling uncomfortable by remarks this man has made

alltoomuchrightnow · 30/06/2014 16:13

i think, just a crap joke. annoying but v basic / i'd forget it

alltoomuchrightnow · 30/06/2014 16:13

better than having a miserable bastard like i did

Numanoid · 30/06/2014 16:15

What a big fuss about nothing - unless there were other things that happened that made the op feel uncomfortable, then what an unneccesary drama.

I don't think the world could cope without drama, there is always something, unfortunately. Hmm

cricketpitch · 30/06/2014 16:17

It was probably a feeble joke designed to make you more at ease. It failed. If it makes you uncomfortable switch instructors.

I dread a world in which no-one dares make a joke or a comment or give a knowing look and all human interaction is reduced to previously approved scripts.

If it made you uncomfortable you have a right to ask him not to do it again and to leave.

TheReluctantCountess · 30/06/2014 16:19

Sounds to me like he was trying to make you laugh to put you are ease.

TheReluctantCountess · 30/06/2014 16:20

*at

autumnmum · 30/06/2014 16:21

My 1st driving instructor told me to "squeeze the clutch like a woman" every time I was a bit heavy footed. I was 18 and it made me really uncomfortable so I changed instructors. I passed with the new one but shortly afterwards saw him on a late night channel 4 thing talking about his love of threesomes!

liz5029 · 30/06/2014 16:24

It may have been a joke, however, the OP could also have been a 17 year old girl, in his profession this comment was very wrong.

if this thread had been my teenage daughter got told by her tutor at college that women can read, cook a meal and make love at the same time then I think the responses would be very different.

OP I would be inclined to find another instructor, and let this instructor know why you are changing. I wouldnt necessarily let the company know, as it sounds more like an offhand comment which he probably didn't think through before opening his mouth, but if you let him know it was inappropriate he may be more careful in future

FreudiansSlipper · 30/06/2014 16:28

why should we have to put up with these sort of jokes

I would not want my driving instructor to be talking about sex while I am paying him/her for a lesson

but lets go on with the attitude that men can be so silly at times and so many think they are funny with their silly little remarks

he is an adult in a responsible role not a 15 year old school boy he should be aware of what is and what is not acceptable to say to those he is teaching

Glittermud · 30/06/2014 16:30

My instructor came out with 'You can rob my house, you can rape my wife, but don't you ever touch my car'.

Unbelievable.

LastTango · 30/06/2014 16:34

Oh FFS - soon men won't be able to even speak.

FreudiansSlipper · 30/06/2014 16:42

awww diddums

poor menz will have to think before they speak

Lottiedoubtie · 30/06/2014 16:43

Oh FFS - soon men won't be able to even speak.

Yes that's proportionate to the discussion Hmm you know you may be right, men are routinely repressed, belittled and disadvantaged in social and professional situations aren't they?

Oh wait.

Runesigil · 30/06/2014 17:00

My male instructor's favourite phrase when a pupil was approaching something too quickly was 'the only thing you get when you rush is babies'.

Suzannewithaplan · 30/06/2014 17:01

My instructor came out with 'You can rob my house, you can rape my wife, but don't you ever touch my car'
ShockShock

(were you tempted to ask if you could step on his blue suede shoes! :o)