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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive or was this remark a bit.....odd?

156 replies

CiderLover · 30/06/2014 10:02

I am currently taking driving lessons, second lesson was yesterday.

I was struggling to remember how to approach a junction and my instructor was asking what the problem was. I replied that I'm not very good at multitasking and remembering the different things I need to do.

His reply

"What!!? You're a woman, multitasking is your thing. Women, can read, cook a meal AND make love all at the same time!" He then laughed.

It made the next few minutes quite awkward when I was already anxious!

AIBU to think his comment was inappropriate?

OP posts:
corkgirlindublin · 30/06/2014 11:22

God the drama queens are out in force. Half of you would have him registering as a sex offender! It was a joke, he wasnt asking to make love to you or hitting on you - IT WAS A JOKE!!!!

MrsWinnibago · 30/06/2014 11:26

Cork it's "jokes" like that which upset and confuse young women who have not the confidence to speak up. It's "jokes" like that which are used to test the waters for worse behaviour....men like that ....SOME not all....use that inappropriate language and behaviour to lower the victim's barriers...she doesn't say anything about the first one so when the subsequent comments are worse...muckier and more suggestive, she feels she cannot...as she was the one who laughed the first time...usually due to discomfort.

Sex jokes and working environments DO NOT go together!

Smelsa · 30/06/2014 11:34

I find it weird when people make sexist or racist jokes in the company of people they don't know well and/or who fit into the category they are joking about. I'd find a new instructor. The more this stuff gets ignored, the more it becomes okay.

TheIronGnome · 30/06/2014 11:37

YABU, he was making a joke to try and get you to relax... it may not have been 'funny' but I really wouldn't over think it.

MrsWinnibago · 30/06/2014 11:38

Iron do you think it's normal to assume that talking about sex with a stranger...even briefly is RELAXING to people???

Lottiedoubtie · 30/06/2014 11:40

I'd find a new instructor too. But I didn't when I was 17 I put up with all sorts of this sort of shit from a driving instructor.

It wouldn't be ok if he'd said 'of course you can multitask you're black' and then gone to reference sex and other 'black stereotypes'.

It's not ok to joke like this about women if it makes women uncomfortable and this thread clearly demonstrates that it does make a lot of women uncomfortable.

Numanoid · 30/06/2014 11:47

I would probably have just assumed it was a silly remark which he hadn't considered properly (e.g. how it would come across), especially if this is the only thing he has ever said/done that's made the OP feel uncomfortable.

From what I've heard, YABU to report him, but YANBU to find a new instructor. Reporting him could potentially lead to him being sacked, which will make it extremely difficult for him to find any sort of job in the future. That would be very unfair if it was just an offhand remark.

I would find a new instructor regardless, as if you're not comfortable with someone you won't learn as best you could. That's how I ended up passing my test, I just didn't like my other instructors' methods (one pulled me up a lot for simple mistakes every learner makes, the other's teaching method just made it a lot more difficult for me, personally).

MrsWinnibago · 30/06/2014 11:47

That's right Lottie OP make sure you report him. You could save a young woman from a LOT of discomfort. Why the feck should people PAY a supposed professional for the awfulness of listening to him mention sex!?

It enrages me! If it were a woman saying similar to a man or a young lad I would be JUST as annoyed.

Driving instructors are in a closed space with people and need to be very aware of their conversation and body language.

MrsWinnibago · 30/06/2014 11:49

Numanoid fair?? The man is in his forties! How could a relatively young man not know this is inappropriate?? He could not. There's no "offhand" about mentioning sex when in a professional situation. He knew what he was doing.

DorothyGherkins · 30/06/2014 11:54

You need to feel totally at ease all the time when someone is teaching you to drive. Find a new instructor! I got rid of my first two, I felt uncomfortable with them all the time, their constant little jibes, innuendoes and women bashing, and made little progress. Then my third one, we were totally on the same wavelength and I progressed and passed the test first time. I wasn't going to mention - the first two were men!

Numanoid · 30/06/2014 11:55

Of course, if he has done anything at all that gives the OP a real cause for concern for her safety (in any manner) or that of others then she should report him. I'm going on the assumption that he said this, laughed, and nothing else inappropriate happened before, or since then. If it did, I would say it needs to be reported ASAP.

I know people of all ages who have accidentally said something to try to lighten a mood/situation, and although it works for them, it makes other people feel uncomfortable. If this was a bad joke and nothing else, I just think it would be bad for the guy to lose a job and potentially be unable to find another.

It's only my opinion, definitely can't say if it's the right or wrong thing to do. I also do think he needs to know of the effect his comment had, it would maybe make him think twice about how he interacts with people in future.

fifi669 · 30/06/2014 11:56

In all honesty I prob would have just made a remark back about multi tasking to keep away the boredom or something similar, laughed it off and moved on.

You're both adults, it's really no big deal, YABU.

ChelsyHandy · 30/06/2014 12:00

Complain about him to his employers. He is in a situation where he can use his position to make sexist and sexual remarks to women on their own in a confined space. Even if he had stopped before he said the "making love" bit it would have been sexist and creepy. And nothing to do with your driving lesson. The "making love" phrase, when used by a virtual stranger, in a confined space, when the two of you are alone, is idiotic, and he would have to be an imbecile not to know it wasn't.

I'd be surprised if it wasn't covered in his employer's HR information and training provided to him. Therefore you have to say he did it deliberately. Its not exactly unknown for some people to use these situations to get a thrill out of seeing how far they can push the boundaries. Not acceptable when you're paying for a driving lesson.

CarmineRose1978 · 30/06/2014 12:01

Yeah, it's totally seedy. The "What, but you're a woman!?" thing would have annoyed me a bit, but the "making love" bit would have skeeved me out. YANBU - sack him.

Also, as a complete aside, he doesn't sound like a very good instructor anyway - he sounds like he was being a bit confrontational to say it was only your second lesson.

I had a pretty jokey, friendly relationship with my instructor who was married with children. but then he started being more and more flirty, til I casually mentioned other married men who had hit on me in the past and how it made me uncomfortable. He stopped the flirting then.

Lottiedoubtie · 30/06/2014 12:47

I know people of all ages who have accidentally said something to try to lighten a mood/situation, and although it works for them, it makes other people feel uncomfortable. If this was a bad joke and nothing else, I just think it would be bad for the guy to lose a job and potentially be unable to find another.

Just out of interest would you stick to this opinion if he'd made an 'offhand' Racist joke?

FryOneFatManic · 30/06/2014 13:02

This wasn't a joke. I agree with those who think it could have been a prelude to pushing the boundaries further next time. Driving instructors HAVE to be very aware of their language and body language in an enclosed space.

I sacked my first instructor for this kind of behaviour, it started off fairly innocently, but got worse every week. I let it go on too long, so by the end I was having stomach upsets before every lesson from the stress.

My next instructor was very good, no stupid sexist "jokes", no inappropriate touching, everything focused on the driving skills I was trying to learn. I passed first time, mainly due to his professionalism.

To learn to drive effectively, you have got to be comfortable with your instructor, so I'd recommend finding a new one.

Original poster
CiderLover · 30/06/2014 13:26

Well, for those saying I should lighten up and it was just a joke, I wonder if you would say the same if your daughter came home from a driving lesson and told you this.

I wont be reporting him because it could have been a mistake, albeit a very stupid one. I will monitor him for te next few weeks and if anything else is said then I will get a new instructor.

OP posts:
Numanoid · 30/06/2014 13:27

Just out of interest would you stick to this opinion if he'd made an 'offhand' Racist joke?

I can't really compare the two as I don't find what he said offensive. The instructor's comment I don't find sexist (personally). If he had said "No wonder you feel nervous, women are rubbish at multitasking", I would have been offended, yes.

Regardless, a racist joke I wouldn't have found funny. If something is meant offensively, it's never acceptable. A racist comment I would have reported, and ended the lesson there and then before making sure I never had another lesson with that instructor again.

I call my partner a typical lazy man (he's anything but... most of the time), and he says I can't help complaining at him because I'm a woman. I find it quite funny, it's all meant jokingly. I'd be a bit worried if he became completely serious and suggested we don't say such things because it's sexist.

Still, as I said, everyone is different and if the OP was offended then that's a good enough reason to stop having lessons with him. I don't believe that just because I'm not offended, that that means it's perfectly okay for everyone. And if it gave her cause for concern, and she believes it was meant as anything more than a joke, then of course she shouldn't just let it go.

nostress · 30/06/2014 13:57

Erm OP mentioned multitasking and therefore his was the retort!
Its not as if he said "why are you floundering over this junction oh yes you are a woman and prone to nerves". He didn't bring up the stereotype she did. And make love? Not particularly offensive is it?

WitchWay · 30/06/2014 14:02

I'd've thought it quite funny till the making love bit. Unacceptable & not remotely amusing.

Lottiedoubtie · 30/06/2014 14:45

She didn't 'bring up a stereotype'

She said 'I'm not good at multi tasking' it was the instructor that took it from the personal to the generic- ascribing the ability to 'read, cook and make love simultaneously' to women not just the OP.

So that's me, you, and the vast majority of MN posters who all have this same subset of abilities according to this driving instructor. That's pretty fucking odd if you think about it.

ChelsyHandy · 30/06/2014 14:54

I'd have found it more helpful if he had explained a good technique for handling the junction and driving the car. The remark is surely distracting and unhelpful.

You're paying for his time, not for him to make pointless, sexist remarks.

I usually feel uncomfortable if someone mentions sex or cringey "making love" in a formal setting one on one setting.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2014 15:02

The making love bit was a bit inappropriate, the rest of tge comment was just a joke. I personally would have rolled me eyes and carried on, but complain if comments like that keep happening.

PunkHedgehog · 30/06/2014 15:16

"The making love bit was a bit inappropriate, the rest of tge comment was just a joke."

A sexist joke. Which is inappropriate in itself, but also likely to be a sign that he's not a good instructor. If he believes that women fit a particular stereotype, he'll teach in a way that fits that stereotype; what you need is someone who'll teach you, and tailor their instruction methods to what you can do and the individual way you learn.

Numanoid · 30/06/2014 15:23

I can't help but wonder if it's maybe a bit far to say it's sexist? It's a compliment, I wish I could multitask, I'm far too easily distracted to finish even one task, sometimes.
It sounds like it may be positive discrimination at worst. :)
I doubt he genuinely thinks that all women are brilliant multi-taskers.