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AIBU?

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Original poster

Effectively asked to leave cafe..AIBU or was he?

402 replies

Hoptoit · 28/06/2014 16:56

Today my husband, 3 yo and 2 yo twins went for lunch in a small local cafe that we go to maybe once a month. It's quite informal and I took the pile of kids toys as an indication that families were welcome. The twins were fractious and hungry, and having a bit of a shout, but we ordered food and waited for them to settle. There were about two other tables of people in there at this time.

After we ordered the owner made a comment along the lines of 'give it a rest now kids' which I took as a joke, then about 5 minutes later, after the children's food had arrived, but before my husbands and mine had he came over and said,'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch. It's just not on.'

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine. Just after he left a lovely lady on the table next to us came over to say she'd heard what he said and was disgusted and wanted me to know she hadn't complained to him about the noise, and that she planned to say something to him when she left. I'm ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and stressed that this made me cry.

As I went to pay my £30 bill for the mostly uneaten food, he asked me if everything had been ok?! I said I was mortified by what he'd said. He got all chippy and defensive about it so I didn't say anymore.

It has ruined what should have been a lovely day. Twins aren't easy and I am very conscious if not impacting on other people negatively, but this place gives the impression of being child friendly, and we weren't letting them run wild or anything like that.

So what do you think, was he out of line or should we have left sooner? It was a terrible mortifying experience.

OP posts:
marne2 · 28/06/2014 20:00

I think the bloke in the cafe is a grumpy sh*t, children make noise, parents try and settle the. And teach them to sit quietly, how are kids going to learn unless you take them places? You shouldn't feel like you can't take your kids out incase they are noisy.

Op, take your kids somewhere else next time. We often go to places that have seating outside ( not as noisy outside and you can always wonder around if they get bored ), don't let this put you off taking them out to eat.

EarthWindFire · 28/06/2014 20:00

Personally I didn't take my children out at all when they were young / babies as it was so stressful that they might make a noise, but I think that other people shouldn't be made to feel like that.

Other people shouldn't get to a point where their meal etc are ruined because of children shouting, even after they had been approached twice.

MiaowTheCat · 28/06/2014 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseNowt · 28/06/2014 20:01

Just to say I have a 2yo (so i haven't 'forgotten' what it's like). She would absolutely not be allowed to scream and shout in a cafe. She would get warned to stop it or be taken out then taken out if it continued.

YABU op...

EarthWindFire · 28/06/2014 20:02

I think the bloke in the cafe is a grumpy sht, children make noise, parents try and settle the. And teach them to sit quietly, how are kids going to learn unless you take them places? You shouldn't feel like you can't take your kids out incase they are noisy.*

How are children going to learn when they are allowed to shout by their parents who just wait for them to settle?

baskingseals · 28/06/2014 20:05

She cried when the other customer was nice to her, I am failing to see her sense of entitlement.

KatieKaye · 28/06/2014 20:06

basking seals the husband y took the children out after the owner said 'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch."

Perhaps if they'd done that at the outset the problem would never have arisen. Instead they seemed to just let the children scream and shout. Which is not nice for the kids, far less other customers and the staff.

BettyBolognese · 28/06/2014 20:07

How are children going to learn when they are allowed to shout by their parents who just wait for them to settle?

This!!!

If my child was shouting and screaming pre-lunch... We certainly wouldn't be sat in a cafe disturbing everyone else.

EarthWindFire · 28/06/2014 20:07

The lady next to her hadn't complained but others obviously had. The owner had to approach the OP twice.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 20:07

EarthWindFire I think you are approving of my approach is that right?

Looking upthread there are posters who say any noise at all is unacceptable so actually I think it probably was the right thing.

i really think child free establishments are the way forward and then people with children can go to the other ones. Around here for example a lot of cafes seem to encourage the post natal type ages with babies and I think that works well for them.

zazzie · 28/06/2014 20:12

I think you do the best you can to keep the noise down with snacks, quiet toys and taking the child outside for a bit. Ds is 7 but developmentally like a toddler so we have had years of doing this. A few people are intolerant (the sort that think children like my son shouldn't be out in public) but most when they can see you are trying don't mind some noise.

unlucky83 · 28/06/2014 20:12

I think even 2 yo understand if you don't be quiet we will have to leave!
I think you have to take responsibility for your children's behaviour...not just say well they are only children etc.

DD1 at around 2 started playing up in a cafe we went to regularly. I stood up, told her we would have to leave without our food, asked for the bill to pay, put my coat on. I really thought we would have to go but she stopped. I then apologised to the other customers and we finished without any further problem. I have threatened to do that more than once - and never had to do it with either of my DCs...but they don't doubt that I would.
More difficult with more than one - but then there were two adults - one adult could have taken the noisy ones out ...on your own the child who has suffered for the other's bad behaviour gets a treat.
As to not paying - depending what it is - if you have ordered your food and they have started preparing it I think you have to pay - just because you haven't eaten it doesn't mean they can sell it to someone else etc...it is still costing them.

squatcher · 28/06/2014 20:13

Dancergirl - I'd take it as a criticism of my parenting, so yes I'd be mortified. I don't think that's precious.

baskingseals · 28/06/2014 20:15

Perhaps the op and her husband thought the children would settle down once they had their food, that's standard behaviour isn't it?

Then when the manager came over again he took the children away - what else could they have done?

RiverTam · 28/06/2014 20:21

without being there it's hard to say but if you were actively keeping the DC engaged rather than just letting them scream unawares then it sounds like he was being a tad unjust. And he should have offered to pack your food up for you to take home, really really surprised he didn't do that.

Rule of thumb - don't take your DC out to eat when they're starving, try (if possible, I know it's not always as easy as that) not to leave it that late.

kali110 · 28/06/2014 20:24

By all means tell everybody how unfair and bad you feel it was, but also tell them that other diners were complaining and that the owner did ask several times to keep the noise down.

YouMakeMeHappy · 28/06/2014 20:24

I would've been annoyed by screaming kids, when mine scream in restaurants I take the screaming one outside. We eat out three + times a week with three children and have never been asked to keep them quiet

EarthWindFire · 28/06/2014 20:26

lovesardines a little general 'child noise' is fine however shouting is not

oneperfectlimousine · 28/06/2014 20:26

I'm afraid you lost my sympathy when you said they were screaming. And you just left them to settle? That goes beyond just a bit loud - it's horrible to listen to and would have ruined my meal.

That said, he probably shouldn't have taken your order if they were already screaming by that point. Did they start screaming after he'd taken it?

RockandRollsuicide · 28/06/2014 20:32

This is why I'm dreading going back to the UK with my 18 month old twins next month. The UK is so unwelcoming to kids. I think his attitude sucked

we hate children here, dont come.

we dont deserve your custom, its bloody vile it really is.

you poor thing op, you should have left and not paid at all.

RockandRollsuicide · 28/06/2014 20:37

There is no tolerance here there really isn't.

I have never been anywhere in my 38 years and I have two children were any adult left a child to endlessly scream, I guess the reason being....that to the parent the noise is often worse we are programmed in, not to ignore that child, our child.....

I never notice spanish or italians on hols with their children here and good on them,

RockandRollsuicide · 28/06/2014 20:39

katieKaye

Very few people want to sit and put up with that while the parents do nothing to stop the screaming and shouting

Really I am astonished that you see parents all over the place who just let them scream.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 20:46

Out of interest is it a serious suggestion that people who do not find the UK particularly child friendly should leave the country?

That seems really extreme to me.

Children don't stay children forever and to leave jobs and family and homes and schools and all the rest of it because of feelings of discomfort when out with children seems really excessive.

I assume it was an exaggeration, that post?

BanjoKazooie · 28/06/2014 20:49

Where I live there are cafes aimed mainly at parents with kids, cafes where kids are welcomed, and cafes which are not kid friendly (too trendy, posh or too small). I only go to the ones where there are generally no little kids.

My three favourite cafes are small, independant cafes with no room for pushchairs. (Yay!) If I walk into a cafe and there are little kids I would walk out. I don't judge the parents but it's a treat for me to go out to a cafe and I want to relax not listen to screechy kids. I also don't go into cafes that play loud music.

parakeet · 28/06/2014 20:49

My oldest child is 8. I have been very very choosy about when and where I eat in cafes/restaurants for the past 8 years. Young children and restaurants just don't mix, I soon discovered. They have very little ability to sit patiently and make conversation until their meal arrives, and then between courses.

For a very long time we never ate out with the children, apart from at pubs with beer gardens so they could run around. In the past few years we have just started being able to consider certain places, such as Pizza Express (because the food arrives super-fast) and buffet-type restaurants (because you are supposed to keep getting up and down).

If I want to eat elsewhere, I pay for a babysitter. I do this because I realise the whole world doesn't revolve around me and my children. Of course, 2-year-olds scream and shout sometimes, especially when they're bored and hungry - they're not being naughty, they're being a 2-year-old. That's why you don't take them to a small room (ie a cafe) where other people are forced to be in close proximity to them and pay for the privilege.

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