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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Effectively asked to leave cafe..AIBU or was he?

402 replies

Hoptoit · 28/06/2014 16:56

Today my husband, 3 yo and 2 yo twins went for lunch in a small local cafe that we go to maybe once a month. It's quite informal and I took the pile of kids toys as an indication that families were welcome. The twins were fractious and hungry, and having a bit of a shout, but we ordered food and waited for them to settle. There were about two other tables of people in there at this time.

After we ordered the owner made a comment along the lines of 'give it a rest now kids' which I took as a joke, then about 5 minutes later, after the children's food had arrived, but before my husbands and mine had he came over and said,'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch. It's just not on.'

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine. Just after he left a lovely lady on the table next to us came over to say she'd heard what he said and was disgusted and wanted me to know she hadn't complained to him about the noise, and that she planned to say something to him when she left. I'm ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and stressed that this made me cry.

As I went to pay my £30 bill for the mostly uneaten food, he asked me if everything had been ok?! I said I was mortified by what he'd said. He got all chippy and defensive about it so I didn't say anymore.

It has ruined what should have been a lovely day. Twins aren't easy and I am very conscious if not impacting on other people negatively, but this place gives the impression of being child friendly, and we weren't letting them run wild or anything like that.

So what do you think, was he out of line or should we have left sooner? It was a terrible mortifying experience.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 28/06/2014 17:24

Children make noise. Why can't people just accept that and get over it?

There were toys there so the cafe obviously promotes itself as child friendly so of course parents with children would come in. I can screen out childrens' noise quite easily - sorry, there are far, far more irritating noises and people in this world that would grate on me.

Id rather go to a child-free place, if I were that cantankerous. Not take myself to a child friendly place then sit with my face twisted and complain because children are excited and noisy.

Some people are horrible just for the sake of it

specialsubject · 28/06/2014 17:25

the UK is NOT horribly anti-child.

some familiar names on here that seem to find everyone against them.

feel free to go live somewhere else.

Original poster

Hoptoit · 28/06/2014 17:28

Certainly not 'left to it';every effort taken to pacify them whilst waiting for food. And we don't do running around; we do head-lock before we do running around.

Yep, a bit of pre-lunch screaming and shouting, but this was at lunch, it's not fine-dining, and don't take my order if it's a problem for you.

In many ways it would have been preferable if he had asked us to leave explicitly, but I guess then he couldn't have expected us to pay. But in my mind saying 'I can't have them in hear making that noise....' is effectively just that.

I think the fact that the other lady felt the need to come over gives an indication of the level if nuisance they were causing, and if you run a cafe that is marketed towards the family market, you do have to take the rough with the smooth a little I think.

Unfortunately they don't have a Facebook page or I'd be reviewing them, but we live in a small town and I know quite a lot of people.

Thanks for your comments, it's interesting to hear the variation in opinions!

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 28/06/2014 17:28

Just because children are welcome per se, doesn't mean they're welcome to sit there roaring like bullocks with their parents making no attempt to pacify them
I'm assuming that's what "waited for them to settle" means? It probably looked like you ignoring them, from the owners perspective.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/06/2014 17:29

I don't find the UK to anti-child at all. Indeed it appears to be pro-child in a way that the continent is not.

My friends in Europe have much better behaved children than many in the UK. Because their children don't get what they want without question and everything doesn't revolve around them.

General observation. Not a dig at the op.

missymarmite · 28/06/2014 17:29

Having lived abroad, and now living once again in a "nice" "friendly" part of the uk, I can safely say that the uk is fairly intolerant towards children in comparison with other countries. But in other countries adults feel free to engage with the behaviour of strangers' children directly, therefore you don't get the passive aggressive frustration you get here.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/06/2014 17:31

Given that they weren't running around/throwing things or actually screaming, it does seem that the owner perhaps overreacted but without actually being there it is hard to call.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 28/06/2014 17:33

Pre lunch screaming and shouting? No wonder you were asked to settle them down.
Family friendly does not mean kids can act the maggot and everyone puts up and shuts up, it means kids are welcome catered for and they have facilities for them.

LEMmingaround · 28/06/2014 17:40

Difficult. I have sympathy but it is limited. I have found myself in a situation where a family brought an overtired toddler into a cafe. I already had a splitting headache -The mum very middle class older mum could do nothing with the child so he was either trying to climb over the seats to other diners. Shrieking a on the floor then she tried a death grip in attempt to makd him sleep all the while screaming the place down. It actually made me feel sick I wished so.eone would ask them to leave. It went on for the entire time we were waitinv for and eating our meal - so my £30 lunch was ruined. This was quite an extreme example but to be fair the poor mum looked equally as stressed as I was but really -if you are out shopping just take enough snacks for your kids and take them home for thier naps.

Ziggyzoom · 28/06/2014 17:41

Did you have a big pushchair blocking the aisles? I know that has caused controversy in a cafe near us.

Pumpkinpositive · 28/06/2014 17:41

"Family friendly does not mean kids can act the maggot.

I have never heard that expression in my life. But I like it. Is that deliberate or did Autocorrect substitute "maggot" for "goat"?

Agree on the "screaming and shouting" front. Could you not take them outside to settle them?

flyingtrue · 28/06/2014 17:42

I think he was unreasonable to handle it that way, if he had complaints (which could well have included the lady, she may just have felt bad or not wanted to be labelled a PITA) then he should have just asked you to leave and not charge you for the food and bring it out. He sent contradictory messages that way, telling you to stay while making you feel unwelcome isn't on and then not getting why is silly.

He should have just said, 'I'm sorry but I've had several complaints and if the noise continues then we won't be able to take your order and we'll have to ask you to leave.' Very badly managed on his end. Whether or not YABU about the noise and annoyance your children were, no one can judge. The basis of one customer going out of her way to disagree could mean he was unreasonable but she too could be used to such noises or be complainer who regretted after seeing the way the man handled things.

My nephew is gorgeous but very noisy when out too. When he does that cringey screaming screech it is ear burning. But my brother can't hear it because he's used to it, so he thinks he's managing great and it's not too bad but for someone without a toddler, it really really is distracting and horrible. I've seen people at close tables wince before when DN goes off on one, hence why i won't go out for lunch with DB any more. He just doesn't get how annoying the noise is- it actually makes people jump it's so loud and piercing!- and so he does little to stop it.

Vote with your feet in terms of this place and don't go back.

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2014 17:42

I honestly think this is the sort of situation that we would have to actually witness, in order to judge.

When you're running a business that involves welcoming families, I expect it must be very awkward having to ask them to pipe down. I would imagine for many business owners, this would be a last resort.

But it's impossible to say without witnessing the level of noise really.

ExcuseTypos · 28/06/2014 17:42

"Yep, a bit of pre-lunch screaming and shouting"

How much is "a bit"?

If it was a minute or two and you managed to pacify them, that's ok. If it was 5/10 mins of "screaming and shouting" while you waited for food, that's not acceptable.

I'm sorry but if they aren't capable of sitting relatively quietly, they shouldn't be in a cafe disturbing everyone else.

AbbeyBartlet · 28/06/2014 17:42

I would imagine that the reason people don't go to childfree establishments is that there may not be any. There certainly aren't any around where I live.

I cannot filter out noisy children and I have a headache most of the time, which is made worse by that kind of pitch. Therefore I do not go to cafés, restaurants, pubs etc.

Original poster

Hoptoit · 28/06/2014 17:43

No pushchair! Just babies sitting on laps being a bit noisy.

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 28/06/2014 17:43

a bit of pre lunch screaming and shouting

does sound awful in a small cafe

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2014 17:45

I disagree entirely.

There were only two other tables of people there. If the manager said he had several complaints, that would be throwing those people straight into the spotlight...possibly causing an almighty row.

In a much bigger environment, I would be inclined to agree with you though.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/06/2014 17:45

You had a 3yo and 2 2yo twins, that's hardly a quiet group there. I can hurt imagine the noise and shuffling about it would have caused. You seem to play down the noise made but I guess one would have to be there to know this. I agree that he should not have taken your order first if he found your kids too noisy, but then again I'm glad there are places where the owner/manager is willing to do something in situations like this.

sanfairyanne · 28/06/2014 17:46

actually i am going to come down on his side, based on the fact you think a bit of prelunch shouting is acceptable in a small cafe.

effinandjeffin · 28/06/2014 17:46

To those who find the uk 'anti-children' perhaps the problem is actually your child and parenting style rather than this country.

Just a thought.

flyingtrue · 28/06/2014 17:46

Ah I didn't clock that there was only a couple of people there, he should leave out the complaints part and say the rest.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/06/2014 17:46

Oh, there was screaming?

Really they should have been taken outside until the food arrived.

Actual screaming will have set the other diners nerves on edge.

I'm not convinced the lady who said she wasn't bothered wasn't fibbing quite a bit.

jackiejos · 28/06/2014 17:49

Yep, a bit of pre-lunch screaming and shouting

that would have annoyed me immensely as I was trying to have a nice lunch. Sorry but you are being unreasonable, owner was correct imo

flyingtrue · 28/06/2014 17:50

I'm not convinced the lady who said she wasn't bothered wasn't fibbing quite a bit.

Me either, I expect she just didn't want a row and was worried that she would get it in the ear if suspected.

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