Effectively asked to leave cafe..AIBU or was he?

[Hoptoit]

Today my husband, 3 yo and 2 yo twins went for lunch in a small local cafe that we go to maybe once a month. It's quite informal and I took the pile of kids toys as an indication that families were welcome. The twins were fractious and hungry, and having a bit of a shout, but we ordered food and waited for them to settle. There were about two other tables of people in there at this time.

After we ordered the owner made a comment along the lines of 'give it a rest now kids' which I took as a joke, then about 5 minutes later, after the children's food had arrived, but before my husbands and mine had he came over and said,'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch. It's just not on.'

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine. Just after he left a lovely lady on the table next to us came over to say she'd heard what he said and was disgusted and wanted me to know she hadn't complained to him about the noise, and that she planned to say something to him when she left. I'm ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and stressed that this made me cry.

As I went to pay my £30 bill for the mostly uneaten food, he asked me if everything had been ok?! I said I was mortified by what he'd said. He got all chippy and defensive about it so I didn't say anymore.

It has ruined what should have been a lovely day. Twins aren't easy and I am very conscious if not impacting on other people negatively, but this place gives the impression of being child friendly, and we weren't letting them run wild or anything like that.

So what do you think, was he out of line or should we have left sooner? It was a terrible mortifying experience.

Yes this is exactly what people have been saying on the thread to stay at home but some people have to go out or even just prefer it

sorry that was to wtaever's suggestion of staiying at home

I agree Chipped

My local cafe does breakfasts, light meals etc for around a fiver. That's too much for more than an occasional treat for many people. Just because the establishment isn't "fine dining" it doesn't mean people should have to put up with screaming and shouting while parents do nothing about it.

LoveSardines your anxiety on this issue is way beyond usual, and it's obviously causing you immense distress, but I honestly don't think people are generally responding to you as you seem to think.

I think that's par for the course when you have a gaggle of kids. This is going to happen at least once.

I went in to a café with a buggy and a toddler once and the owner pointed at a café across the road and said "eeees reellee nice ober dair". took me a minute to translate that in to 'please don't come in to my cafe'.

ps, three children 3 and under, Heaven Help you by the way. It gets easier. I never felt older and more worn down than when I was in your shoes. Hang in there.

The owner said 'they are disturbing everyone else's lunch' how does that translate into he had complaints?

How about the fact that one lady said she hadn't complained which might indicate that others had? Or not. It could go either way, I agree.

I'd be more surprised if the other patrons of this small café didn't complained about long period of screaming and shouting that did not subside at the arrival of food while the OP just sat there and did nothing and still doesn't see there is any problem? Whether or not there were complaints is pretty irrelevant given the whole scenario. It's not the children that are the problem - it is the lack of parenting. How are they supposed to learn if nobody tells them?

Re-reading , OP was being unreasonable. I hadn't picked up on her "waiting for them to settle" which suggests doing nothing.

Can't think why she should have taken his polite request they give it a rest as a joke.

As for others lunches being ruined, well he doesn't have to wait until all his customers complained. I doubt very much I'd have complained to him, it's not his fault.

sorry that was to wtaever's suggestion of staiying at home

You have taken my comment out of context. A previous poster suggested that eating in a cafe was "functional eating" not an experience so I was asking why she didn't just eat/drink at home if that was how she felt.

Love I am concerned that you have taken my comments out of context too. Children are a part of life, whether or not you have them. They are supposed to make noise and if they scream and shout in certain places and the parent(s) attempt to calm them down that's fine.

OP did say she was 'waiting' for them to settle which is probably why the cafe owner and/or a customer got annoyed.

Fwiw I have anxiety issues too and avoid situations which exacerbate them if I can but I don't have DC so it's an easier thing to do.

Seriously, go ahead with the party - parties are SUPPOSED to be loud.

People get pissed of with them even if they;'re beign quiet though that's the thing.

Like just tying the shoelace the other day and we got told off I wouldn't have expected that and really then you think well what can you do as other people are unpredictable and there's lots of them and who can say what any one person is going to be annoyed or angered by or even irritated.

I do have anxiety around this but really it's easier not to go out a lot of people on thsi thread have said stuff which points in that direction. It's crippling to have to be on the alert all teh time looking out for other people how are they reacting do we need to move get out of teh way apologise for somethign etc etc and then you get something like the shoelace thing and it's too much to even imagine what might be inconvenient for someone else.

I think you're way overreacting to the shoelace thing. Unless you were blocking the entire path the person who commented was rude.

Those crippling levels of anxiety are not usual.

The thread was started by someone who didn't seem to think that being mindful of others was important - a different issue entirely.

And I feel bad making teh children apologise all the time really they are just being normal and quiet even because I am always so careful but you know someone looks like they are annoyed where you are sitting or whatever I have been an MN enough to know what sort of standards are expected and chidlren must always apologise but even if the people like on the bus I don't know. I sometimes feel like they havent done anything wrong and they will get afraid to say boo to a goose and that can't be good in the long run but on here say where people have said that UK children behaviour is appalling and so obviosuky when peopple don't want you sitting there that is their perogative and you need to teach children to thik of others and apologise all teh time jsut all the time and people look funny sometimes but really if they are annoyed then they expect an apology surely

I don;t eben knwo an mroe

LoveSardines. I really think you are overthinking all of this and whilst you say you're getting better from your PND you sound extremely anxious. Maybe you should consider talking to your GP.

Children make noise, they drop things, they spill drinks (rarely intentionally). Most people will not give a fig about any of this unless they are miserable sods. But 'a shout and a scream' is different. And they should have been taken out for a runabout until their food turned up.

LoveSardines, if you are for real then you've got major issues that you're probably passing onto your kids.
A passing teenager complained you were in the way as you tied your child's shoelace, so you apologised and made your child apologise too????.
For what?? Please work on your self esteem before you destroy every bit your children have, too.

And Love your children shouldn't be apologising if they haven't done anything wrong. It's entirely possible that the path woman was either being rude or just asking you to move over a smidge out the way.

Some people are miserable sods. You have no way of knowing why the people on the bus were grumpy. They may have been looking at you just because that's the way their seats faced.

I agree with the last two posters.

well they were upset i was in the way they said i was in the way so i apologised and got dd to apologise

people on here have commenetd abotu how badly behaved uk children are for example so if they are in the way then they need to apologise of the have upset or anegred someone

i dont' wna tot detriily my childnre though obvously

i got dh to take them wout this mornign before he goes to work so thaeuy hae been outside

i mean i apoligised and got her to apologise as the person complained that is what you do when someone complains you apoligise right and make it not happen agan that is the gist of this thread if peole say something then you have upset them in some way and that is not right and you need to apologise and not do it again

liek the people on the bus i apologised althoguh i still dont' know what on earth we had done wrong

children often getin teh wya ime they walk a bit slower or are in a pushchair or randonly stop this inconveniences other poeple yo need to keep out of their way try to be in the background not upset them obviosuly this is how to behave in a civilised society we all need to get along togetehr and that means no negative impacts on anyone else

sorry i appear to have highjacked this thread rathe r

jsyt feling a bit upset

sorry abotu that everyone.

Agree with all the excellent points that have been made about being aware of the impact of your children yelling in public places - definitely not okay to sit in any cafe and let your kids scream and shout.

The whole question of what makes a cafe 'child friendly' is an interesting one, and whether it's reasonable for people who don't have children (or don't have noisy children) to expect to be able to enjoy the experience of being in a cafe that welcomes children.

There are two cafes near where I live that both do yummy food. There are always children in both. One has a play area, lots of space around tables, and attracts mummies en masse with buggies. Kids invariably run around the whole cafe, and it's usually VERY noisy, with plenty of screaming going on. I avoid it. Not because I don't like children, but because I don't like them rampaging around when I'm trying to have a quiet sit or chat with a friend.

The other local cafe also welcomes children. There are highchairs, children's menu, etc. But there is no space for them to run around. I go there a lot, and there are always children there - sitting at the tables and learning how to behave when they're out!

It's just wrong for anyone to suggest that objecting to children screaming or behaving badly is the same as thinking that children should never be taken to eat out. Teach them to behave, remove them if they don't, consider other people. That's it really.

Well there seem to be quite a lot of negative impacts on you Love. Please think about speaking to someone about your anxiety.

Lovesardines. I agree with others you need help for your anxiety

Everyone in society inconveniences others from time to time, that's life and most people are more than aware of that and as long as people don't take the piss with it then it's rarely an issue

good points mrsmcoll.

There is a pub/restaurant locally I won't take DS to even though it is family friendly, they have a great indoor play area BUT they sit all children in this area, it has children running backwards and forwards to the tables and is very noisy. Not my idea of somewhere I would like to go for a meal and I found it - understandably - had a negative impact upon DS behaviour.

Personally I would rather go to a "normal" cafe/restaurant which caters for children without extras like some do. But each to their own!

It would be good if this thread has made the OP consider what is acceptable behaviour.