Effectively asked to leave cafe..AIBU or was he?

[Hoptoit]

Today my husband, 3 yo and 2 yo twins went for lunch in a small local cafe that we go to maybe once a month. It's quite informal and I took the pile of kids toys as an indication that families were welcome. The twins were fractious and hungry, and having a bit of a shout, but we ordered food and waited for them to settle. There were about two other tables of people in there at this time.

After we ordered the owner made a comment along the lines of 'give it a rest now kids' which I took as a joke, then about 5 minutes later, after the children's food had arrived, but before my husbands and mine had he came over and said,'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch. It's just not on.'

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine. Just after he left a lovely lady on the table next to us came over to say she'd heard what he said and was disgusted and wanted me to know she hadn't complained to him about the noise, and that she planned to say something to him when she left. I'm ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and stressed that this made me cry.

As I went to pay my £30 bill for the mostly uneaten food, he asked me if everything had been ok?! I said I was mortified by what he'd said. He got all chippy and defensive about it so I didn't say anymore.

It has ruined what should have been a lovely day. Twins aren't easy and I am very conscious if not impacting on other people negatively, but this place gives the impression of being child friendly, and we weren't letting them run wild or anything like that.

So what do you think, was he out of line or should we have left sooner? It was a terrible mortifying experience.

Perhaps people don't speak up because they worry about the possible reaction. The last time I spoke up was in fact in a doctor's surgery (who the hell thinks it's a good idea to let your child take a tambourine there?) and I got a gob full of abuse back.

Bullshitivakia?

Nosuchplaceistan?

Must be. I have never found the UK to be any different to any other country. Children may be treated differently, but in general they're expected to behave.

I'll except the US from that. I think children in the UK are generally pretty badly behaved. They're even worse there.

My son has had many screaming episodes at the doctors because he is in pain. That is why he is there. It's not somewhere I would take him if I didn't have to.

I am not sure that is practical in all doctors surgeries, stratter5.

Unwell children can cry and some doctors are over more than one floor and so on.

I appreciate it's not practical everywhere. I'm not talking about sick, crying children, that's to be expected; I'm talking about the not ill, running around being a total pita ones with their parents ignoring them.

zazzie I must admit I didn't go to the doctors for myself when the children were small as it was so stressful. I didn't go out much at all unless I had to, I was so conscious of people getting angry about stuff that the children might do.

Goodness rocknroll - don't put words into my mouth. I was referring to the OP who did nothing with her screaming and shouting children and then complained when the owner asked her to do something about them.

Obviously most parents don't just sit there - they actively do something before tings get to that stage. That's why OP is especially U in thinking that the problem lies with the café owner and other patrons who complained.

I've lived in four different countries (3 continents) while my kids were young and I really don't understand it when people say that the UK is not tolerant of kids. It's just rubbish. I used to love coming to the UK in the summer with the kids as I found it so easy to be out and about with them.
Kids menus, kids pricing, high chairs, changing facilities, breast feeding, etc etc

Where on the thread is anyone saying you have to take your child out in the rain?

Many places don't have shelter so if you take them outside and it's raining then you're going to get wet. It's a situation most parents have been in surely.

Depends how noisy they were tbh?squally,grouchy,ok.full on din not ok

YABU. The sound of screaming kids is amongst the most irritating in the world. You CHOSE to have children, why on earth should other people have to suffer?

So at my doctors surgery for eg there is no shelter outside, is what I was thinking of. And it's over more than one floor, but if you were on the ground floor and took them outside and it was raining you'd get wet.

It's OK otherwise, there is even a wall to sit on, quite comfy.

missbishi I assume you're talking about the cafe scenario rather than the wider situations touched on?

lovesardines - nobody is saying you have to go outside if your kids are acting up - they are suggesting that taking the kids for a walk (rather than sitting there and doing nothing) is one way to distract them/calm them down etc.

Likewise there isn't any demand for child-free cafes on this thread either. Again, people are saying that not to actively do something (anything!) to try to calm your children down so that they stop screaming and shouting in a café is very unreasonable.

Of course children make a noise. Often that's just fine, but at other times (like when you are in a café) the parent should step in and try to take control of the situation. Removing the children is often a last resort but it's one that loads of posters find works in this situation because the children get a change of scene, a change to burn off some energy etc. In fact, it can be a positive thing, not wholly negative.

missbishi

What a horrible attitude. You will one day CHOSE to be old, rather than end your life, why should anyone else suffer by having you aaout and about in the community...but I'm sure you'll stay at home away from the people who may be offended by you.

OP, you will obviously never be going back to this cafe. For years I didn't go to cafes with my DC, because it was just too much hard work, keeping them all perfectly quite and ensuring no drinks were ever spilled.

I'm therefore very accepting of noisy toddlers in cafes and restaurants, as I don't want anyone to feel like I used to. Based on this, I declare the cafe owner and arse.

Well our area is SO family unfriendly that there is nowhere to go if you want a child free meal!! I think the idea of child free places is great - that way those of you with young children don't get criticised and those without can have a quiet meal.

OP did say that she waited for them to calm down so it doesn't sound very pro active.

Katie not everyone feels the same as you though, quite a lot of people get annoyed quite easily by children and in order to avoid upset (tutting etc) it's difficult to go anywhere really which is why I didn't.

I don't think my approach was particularly healthy though which is why it makes me sad to see it encouraged on a thread like this where posters are saying if you have younger kids don't go out to cafes and so on. Not all the posters obviously many are more balanced but some are and I know from experience that some people reading might well take that to heart and really fundamentally restrict their activities.

Impossible to tell unless one were there. You will put the best possible spin on your children's behaviour; they might have been lovely they might have been vile.

LoveSardines, yes, the cafe situation, or indeed any other situation where there are paying customers trying to relax. Mine were bad screamers too. I've left cafes a few times because of this. They were my kids, I chose to have them and I would never inflict the noise on anyone else as the world does not revolve solely around my children. Anybody would understand a poorly child bawling in, say, the doctors surgery. Ear-splitting, yes, but also understandable and not really preventable.

missbishi couldn't agree more.

Sorry LoveSardines but I think you're being a martyr to an issue you've blown completely out of proportion in your own head. The vast majority of us don't notice or care that your kids are in the vicinity, chatting, dropping cutlery, spilling drinks and generally being kids. Three toddlers screaming in a cafe while the parents sit around and wait for it to stop is a bit different, yes?

Well not anybody would, as people glare and tut in all sorts of situations.

I was once on a bus with a pushchair with DD sitting quietly in it, there was plenty of room etc and an older couple were sitting glaring and muttering and tutting at me. People aren't always reasonable and a lot of people have really low tolerance for children. In that situation I hope most people would be thick skinned enough to ignore it but not everybody is.

But then it was obvious my child and/or me was annoying / upsetting them in some way and so what can you do. I got off the bus.

Not everyone is terribly resilient unfortunately so I think there is a happy medium here somewhere.

Matyr no just pragmatic I guess from my own experience of not being very well after I had my children for a few years and I just think some of the posts on the thread are a bit extreme.

Wow, I'm guessing some people on this thread must really resent paying tax when it helps support other peoples life choices. Or maybe they live in countries without free healthcare/education.