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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Effectively asked to leave cafe..AIBU or was he?

402 replies

Hoptoit · 28/06/2014 16:56

Today my husband, 3 yo and 2 yo twins went for lunch in a small local cafe that we go to maybe once a month. It's quite informal and I took the pile of kids toys as an indication that families were welcome. The twins were fractious and hungry, and having a bit of a shout, but we ordered food and waited for them to settle. There were about two other tables of people in there at this time.

After we ordered the owner made a comment along the lines of 'give it a rest now kids' which I took as a joke, then about 5 minutes later, after the children's food had arrived, but before my husbands and mine had he came over and said,'your going to have to stop them making this noise, they are disturbing everyone else lunch. It's just not on.'

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine. Just after he left a lovely lady on the table next to us came over to say she'd heard what he said and was disgusted and wanted me to know she hadn't complained to him about the noise, and that she planned to say something to him when she left. I'm ashamed to say that I was so embarrassed and stressed that this made me cry.

As I went to pay my £30 bill for the mostly uneaten food, he asked me if everything had been ok?! I said I was mortified by what he'd said. He got all chippy and defensive about it so I didn't say anymore.

It has ruined what should have been a lovely day. Twins aren't easy and I am very conscious if not impacting on other people negatively, but this place gives the impression of being child friendly, and we weren't letting them run wild or anything like that.

So what do you think, was he out of line or should we have left sooner? It was a terrible mortifying experience.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 28/06/2014 21:33

Ive took my 3 kids to loads if child friendly places. We have loads of family retaurants with soft play or parks for the kids. I really cant see how the uk is not child friendly.

baskingseals · 28/06/2014 21:34

I, personally, do not think it is okay to disturb other people with my children, I don't think anybody does, actually. I feel that the op did what she could in this situation, and reiterate that the noise could not have been that overwhelming, as the customer sitting near her did not complain, and furthermore didn't agree with the way the op was spoken to by the manager. Surely if the children had been that noisy the whole cafe would have been on the manager's side.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 21:35

I think maybe it depends on the area, ILove.

Some posters on here saying in their areas the places to go are not like that and are not suitable for young children at all really.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 28/06/2014 21:40

Yes sounds like it Love. We do well for child friendly places so maybe i am juat lucky. They have never really screamed or shouted either whilst waiting for food but this could be because i go to places who cater for families.

saintlyjimjams · 28/06/2014 21:41

Some of the best places I've found with ds1 have been really old fashioned cafes with china plates and tablecloths and tea cups. The sort of place that looks like it's been time warped from the 50's. Bizarrely. The old people that always seem to run these places tend to be very tolerant & treat ds1 like a human being. Always surprises me.

waterducksback · 28/06/2014 21:47

Rocknroll......I find this country to be Very welcoming to children.
If anything, we are a bit TOO child centred. Everything MUST revolve around the children, all the time.

A lot of other countries restaurants don't have children's menus like we do... Their children have to eat the same as the adults...lump it or like it.
Same with school meals - a hot meal is made, no choice.. and they have to eat it or go without.
Older children seem to respect their teachers and parents more, because not everything revolves around the child. If a child misbehaves, they aren't scared to tell them off like we brits are

As a result, a lot of other nations' children know how to behave in public.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:00

I don't think that's true. People do a very passive aggressive thing in the UK, lots of tutting and glaring and whispering and making people feel really uncomfortable but not saying it out loud as they know they are not actually being reasonable.

Some parents have a thick skin and some don't and the takeaway message from some posters on here is don't go to cafes if you have children who might make a noise and I think that is not right. Because actually mostly people don't mind children being children if it's a "child friendly" place and it's the tutters who just make people feel shit and unwelcome and leave when actually for most people there is no problem.

Scousadelic · 28/06/2014 22:01

One of the problems is that parents become acclimatised to whatever is their child's norm at the time so those used to 3 small children will probably have a far higher tolerance than others. In just the same way as we cope with sleep deprivation when they are young and yet have one bad night when they are older and are absolutely knackered. I bet in 5 or 10 yrs time the OP, sat next to a similar family, would find the noise wearing

I agree with those saying that standards of expected behaviour for children have fallen far behind in this country and parents then perceive everywhere as being child-unfriendly instead of improving it. We would have taken our children outside if they shouted or screamed in a café but generally they didn't as they were trained not to from a very early age.

If I feel sorry for anybody it is the other people who probably had their relaxing lunch ruined

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:05

Personally I have a far lower tolerance for my own children than for others as with others it is not my responsibility to do / try to do anything about it.

And sometimes you're not even doing anything and yet people are still discomfited really the posters have said don't go out if you have younger children or babies and I still think that banning them from some establishments would sort this out. But like I say around here a lot of cafes are actively seeking this clientele so not sure what can be done really. You can't make cafes close their doors to young families if that is where their income is coming from.

samsam123 · 28/06/2014 22:10

it irritates me when children cant be quiet in restaurants there is a time and place for play and to learn to sit quietly and perhaps colour is a lesson well learnt.

Stratter5 · 28/06/2014 22:12

I have never found the UK to be particularly difficult when eating out with children. But I wouldn't have taken two fractious, noisy children to a cafe in the first place; I'd have bought them a sandwich and a drink at a garage, and eaten in the car.

I can't stand badly behaved children, there is no need to inflict them on other people whilst they're trying to eat in peace.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:15

Why assume the op has a car? How weird.

It was raining today, maybe alternative was to sit on a bench in that.

Who knows

What is people's attitude towards dropping cutlery, I wonder.

sanfairyanne · 28/06/2014 22:16

says the dh sat in the car with the kids in the first post

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:17

Ah.

ilovesooty · 28/06/2014 22:18

Dropping the odd bit of cutlery is hardly the same as screaming and shouting.

Sirzy · 28/06/2014 22:18

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car while I picked at mine.

Wasn't really much of an assumption!

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:18

I once ended up on a bench in the rain with a baby, is why I wondered. There isn't always shelter.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/06/2014 22:19

Why assume the op has a car? How weird

Why not read the OP? Hmm

So, my husband ate a bit of his lunch then took the twins to sit in the car

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:20

I dunno a lot of people get pissy over the smallest things. I tend to remove the children from any and all situations where I think people might be getting annoyed, hence I didn't go out when they were smaller.

DD dropped a fork twice today and no-one seemed to mind, but I am more relaxed now so not keeping a look out so much for people reacting. So maybe they did.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:21

Yes I should have reread before posting.

Sorry about that.

Stratter5 · 28/06/2014 22:23

It's no different to sitting in the Drs waiting room, surrounded by snotty screaming kids running amok. There's no need for it, teach in them to sit and listen to a story or something. Or do what I did when they were fractious, take them outside and ask someone to let you know when your name is called.

ComposHat · 28/06/2014 22:26

Oh god, I see the 'in other countries they value children' and 'unlike other countries the UK is child unfriendly' brigade are out in force.

It is funny how they never specify in which country three out of control children screaming their heads off whilst their ineffectual parents sit there doing nothing are positively celebrated?

Bullshitivakia?

Nosuchplaceistan?

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:27

I am not sure that is practical in all doctors surgeries, stratter5.

Unwell children can cry and some doctors are over more than one floor and so on.

mellicauli · 28/06/2014 22:27

Cardinal rule of tolerable toddler dining - arrive at noon, one course and you're out. Bring toys and breadsticks. Nowhere with linen tablecloths for 1st 10 years.

We've all had that meal. Children played up, adults got stressed out. What was supposed to a treat was a nightmare. It was the children's behaviour not his reaction to it that caused the problem, but they are only 2, so what can you expect? It's just one of those things.

LoveSardines · 28/06/2014 22:29

And again there is the shelter issue.

It was chucking it down today and yet apparently a lot of people with young children must go and stand outside. I wouldn't want to take a sick child or baby to wait out in the rain because it was crying and then miss my appt because it's on the second floor Confused

Some of these suggestions are bizarre. And clearly quite child / parent unfriendly.