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Original poster

To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

466 replies

Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 14:43

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

OP posts:
ChelsyHandy · 25/06/2014 16:31

And whats the story with his previous home? Does he jointly own or rent it? How long was he there? Is he married?

tbh since you have put a man you barely know in a house alone with your children, I would contact his ex to verify his story and why exactly he was thrown out.

PrincessBabyCat · 25/06/2014 16:32

You won't allow your couch to be used, but you'll allow your daughter to be inconvenienced for your decision? She got the real shit stick end of the bargain didn't she?

How generous to offer someone else's room.

If you won't allow him on the couch, he needs to go into DS's room and he can sleep with you guys. He's 5, and young enough to share a bed with his parents. Why can't you do that?

expatinscotland · 25/06/2014 16:33

In her room. Some guy she doesn't know sleeping in her bed, alone with her in the house whilst she needs to get ready for work, etc etc.

And wanting to stay longer and longer.

PrincessBabyCat · 25/06/2014 16:36

I told her yes and said I would come home right away so that she wasn't on her own in the house with him.

This right here is exactly the point at which you kick him out. She is not comfortable with being alone with him. He needs to leave. Now.

How will you feel if he rapes your daughter? You don't know him. You have no idea of his back story or what's going on.

Nomama · 25/06/2014 16:37

Maybe cos when it was just a couple of days they wanted the man to have a grown up room not a small child's play pen?

They were feeling kindly towards him and offered the best they could at their own (daughter's) inconvenience.

It's fine offering 'better' advice after the fact!

basgetti · 25/06/2014 16:37

So you know nothing about him, but your daughter is expected to be alone in the house with him?

Longdistance · 25/06/2014 16:39

Your dh needs to sort this.

It's his acquaintance, he invited him, dh need to sort it. I don't see why op is getting a battering over this, and is the one sorting everything out.

PrincessBabyCat · 25/06/2014 16:42

Maybe cos when it was just a couple of days they wanted the man to have a grown up room not a small child's play pen?

Yes, and that was fine. But now that DD wants her room back, she should have it and other arrangements should be made. She agreed to a couple of days due to an emergency situation, not a week because someone is taking advantage of OP's kindness. She shouldn't have to continue to be inconvenienced for a decision that her father made.

Darkesteyes · 25/06/2014 16:43

I was coming on here to ask whether your daughters board/upkeep that she is paying you had been adjusted accordingly. But Compo beat me to it.

Also agree that the 5 yr old could be sleeping in with you or your DH (and why isn't he wringing his hands over this.)

As an elder child and female myself you usually find that if you fit both of these criteria that you do mostly end up getting the blame or paying the price for another family members decision.

sounds like this bloke has had a shit time but its not fair on yr adult daughter for this to carry on the way it is.

Original poster
Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 16:43

I have emailed DH the links for Shelter and ManKind initiative - thanks for those suggestions.

OP posts:
CarmineRose1978 · 25/06/2014 16:44

So let me get this straight... You have two DDs, one 21, one 22, and a 5 yr old DS. Why exactly is the 21 yr old DD sharing with a bed with the 5 yr old? Why not sharing with her 22 yr old sister? Or why not have the 5 yr old in with you and your DH? I don't blame your 21 yr old for being pissed off!

glasgowstevenagain · 25/06/2014 16:45

cheap hotel - 200 a week - not your problem

I would not want a stranger in the house with my family

PrincessBabyCat · 25/06/2014 16:49

OP, he really does need to leave tonight. This isn't a safe situation. You have two daughters, and their safety will never be worth social niceties or a stranger's feelings. Even if he doesn't hurt them you don't know if he'll steal anything or bring his domestic dispute to your door step.

You need to keep your family safe and if that means he sleeps in a car to get everything sorted then that's what has to happen.

You were already more kind than most people would be, but you need to do what best for your family and put them first.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/06/2014 16:49

He could get on www.spareroom.co.uk and pick up a room immediately. He was stupid to pay a deposit to a dodgy landlord. If I were you I would make it clear that he goes in x number of days and suggest he looks to find a lodging which doesn't need a tenancy or guarantor. There are always rooms available at short notice.

Original poster
Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 16:50

We let him have DD2s room as it is the smallest room and she is out with friends a lot.
She has just completed university and is now jobhunting.

DD 1(22) and DS(5) have double bedrooms so there is more room to share with each other for a couple of nights!

DD1 is 22 and works full time and she is at home a lot.
We just had to think and act quickly on Sunday and it seemed like the best solution at the time.

DH told this man he could stay for a week without consulting me btw.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/06/2014 16:50

Maybe two adult women can't fit in the bed together?

Nomama · 25/06/2014 16:50

Oh please don't hop straight to sex crime and nasty man, scary scary!

That's ludicrous and totally unnecessary!

SuperLoveFuzz · 25/06/2014 16:53

I was told by Women's Aid that if you have to flee from domestic violence, any council will house you immediately without any evidence. I'd say this is his best option. Emergency council housing can be expensive if you're working, doesn't sound like he has many other options though.
OP I think you and your family have done more than enough to help this guy out. Agree with PP's that you should ask him to leave now since he is making your daughter feel uncomfortable.

PrincessBabyCat · 25/06/2014 16:54

Oh please don't hop straight to sex crime and nasty man, scary scary!

Even if he's not, her daughters have a right to not be nervous in their own house which should always be a place that feels safe for them.

They're uncomfortable. That's enough to kick him out.

Considering that 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted, I don't think it's an irrational thing to be concerned about.

VeryStressedMum · 25/06/2014 16:55

A bit strange really that he would impose like this on someone he hardly knows.

He has no savings but has money for a deposit? How much would a deposit be..£500 or so? He either is lying about not having money or is lying about the flat.
I think you've been more than kind and helpful, tbh more than I would have been to a man we don't really know.

You've given him a week which is more than fair.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/06/2014 16:56

Super love, it doesn't always work like that! I've just tried to support someone through this, the council very much wanted evidence and it was not immediate/no questions asked. How could it be? Unfortunately lots of people would exploit it if that were the case.

Original poster
Mozzereena · 25/06/2014 16:59

Thanks Ehric for the sparerooms link. I have searched the area where this man works and there are a lot of rooms available in the area.
I have emailed DH the link. :)

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 25/06/2014 17:00

I agree with VeryStressedMum. I call bullshit on the flat.

He'll have his feet under your table and be there as long as he can get away with.

If he is fleeing DV then I'd advise he gets a place in a hostel until accommodation can be sorted.

glasgowstevenagain · 25/06/2014 17:02

Pay for his hotel for the rest of the week that your husband promised

and then its not your problem

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 25/06/2014 17:05

Look, not being funny but if people on this thread can find information by Google why can't he? Library is free... He could use yours?

It's lovely to help out but the emergency is actually over. Now it's future planning. And tbh you only have his word he's the one being battered....