To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

[Nomama]

I don't disagree, Princess. DD1s feelings mean he should leave. But no scare tactics, fearmongering required.

glasgow - that could be a good solution. Op would lose some money buy would gain peace at home. And would be able to measure and accept the hit she is taking!

[glasgowstevenagain]

It allows family to retain moral high ground - we said we would look after you for an extra week - now we have

[Sleepingbunnies]

I recently let my friend stay with us and offered to have her as long as she liked. She came to me after her partner attacked her and bit her face. She was staying in my childrens playroom. Shit happens.

Let's hope you or your daughter are never in a situation where you have no one to help you.

[AgaPanthers]

"So you won't give up your living room but you will give up your daughters bedroom. Nice."

The daughter is 21 (an adult), and it's not clear if she is paying anything either.

[comingintomyown]

I have ended up helping people out in the past like this although more friends than acquaintances and it's never ended well and they have taken the piss.

I think it was very decent of you to give this guy space at all. If you feel you can then maybe see out the week as your DH has offered but insist that between you it's made crystal clear that whatever the latest on his accommodation he will need to leave.

[Sleepingbunnies]

I think I have commented too quickly! Off to RTFT!

[HappienessIsEggshaped]

As much as I have sympathy for his situation I wouldn't be happy or comfortable sharing a house with a virtual stranger. I think I'd give him until the weekend to find somewhere else. There must be someone he knows that could let him sleep on the sofa short term.

[fourforksache]

the 12 month waiting list from council doesn't sound like the full story. I'd be wary.

[Darkesteyes]

Aga its also unclear whether the bloke is paying anything but I guess that dosnt matter as he is more important than a blood relative

[glasgowstevenagain]

He is not even a friend

I have a solution...

He can sleep on the floor - changing room of the cricket club

sorted

[ChelsyHandy]

I'd say its also unclear whether he is actually in employment. What is "works for an employment agency"? And why doesn't it involve starting before 11am during weekdays?

So he has no savings, no transport (what a surprise) and no home. Again, I'm cynical and wondering whether this is the reason he was thrown out. Of course he might just be a very downtrodden victim of domestic violence, but he really has no excuse for (a) not offering you some money for his accommodation and (b) searching sparerooms.co.uk etc for urgent accommodation.

A lot of this doesn't ring true for me. I don't think you have the full story.

[PrincessBabyCat]

As an elder child and female myself you usually find that if you fit both of these criteria that you do mostly end up getting the blame or paying the price for another family members decision.

Hmm... That's an interesting thing to look into actually. I know alot of oldest children that seem to have to take responsibility for their parent's decisions.

Personally, as the oldest and female, I got away with far more and catered to more than my brother did, who was expected to man up and deal (nothing serious, just stuff like finding his own rides). But my father would never have allowed a stranger to stay in the house with his children.

I wouldn't either, under any circumstances. I say this as someone who did help out a DV victim. She was a neighbor who would always run to my apartment for safety or help. Her bf was refusing to get internet so she could complete her online classes and do something with her life. I was young and naive, I'm not sure if I regret helping her but she did have issues and ended up stealing some trinkets and DVDs from us. It took that experience to understand that there's only so much you can do to help a person, it ultimately has to be their choice. I wouldn't do it again even with a family member, not with a child to worry about now. It's too stressful, if you don't open your door they go back to a bad situation. If you do, in a way you're enabling because it takes a while of bouncing back and forth for victims to finally leave. I got out of it by moving and not telling her my new place.

[pissedglitter]

The title of this thread disgusts me!!

Reverse the roles
Female acquaintance calls and asks to sleep on your sofa for a few days
Makes herself comfy with no intention of moving for weeks/months
Do you come on mumsnet ranting about it
No, do you fuck you would be on here looking for a pat on the back

The best thing you could do is kick him out (kick him while he is already down) and send him somewhere he can get the support he needs

[expatinscotland]

Your DH was wrong to tell him a week without having consulted you.

Your kids are not comfortable.

This man has employment and money, yet continues to try to stay and stay.

Your DH need to tell him the family is no longer happy with the arrangement and he needs to find somewhere else and be out by Sunday morning.

That's a week.

Not your job to find him accommodation. He's an adult.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[Mozzereena]

No I don't have the full story. I'm not really that interested in his story -I just want him to find somewhere to live quickly.

DH believes him that he is battered by his partner. They are about late 40s no kids. She has MH issues as far as DH is aware and this man has had to run to his mum's when she was alive and he had been battered.

So there may be a chance that he will go back to living with his partner when he leaves here but I won't allow our home to become his run to place when it all kicks off again. He will really have to sort his life out himself.

I do feel so sorry for him - if I were in his situation I would be offered help from people who love me and care about me.

How sad to have nothing and no one when you reach your late 40s.

[Nomama]

Actually pissed, I would do exactly the same as I am telling OP to...

Female acquaintance would be no more my circus, my monkey than a male one!

Enjoy your disgust.

[Viviennemary]

He just simply isn't your responsibility end of. You were kind to let him stay for a few nights. How long is reasonable, a week a month a year 10 years. No.

[BanjoKazooie]

I would ask him to leave too. You can't rescue and help everyone who needs help. Perhaps one of the outraged charitable posters on this thread could offer him a room . He is barely less of a stranger to them as he was to you.

[fourforksache]

pissed, seems a bit unfair / antagonist / unrealistic / not showing any empathy for op's situation.

none of this is particularly anyone's fault but op has helped and is right to expect to limit her help when there are other people to consider. lodger has not been very proactive.

[Nomama]

Mozz, you don't really know that he has no one else. You could be the end of a line of other 'friends'.

But yes, it does seem sad, he does seem sadly incapable, not one of life's go getters.

[PrincessBabyCat]

pissedglitter I wouldn't let a female DV victim take refuge on my couch unless I knew her well either. I did help out an acquaintance and had stuff stolen from me. People need to sort out their own problems.

Helping someone with something as multifaceted as leaving an abusive relationship is something that should be reserved for close family and friends. The only person I would help out with something like that is my brother. Everyone else I'd direct to a shelter.

[MaryWestmacott]

It could be has no one else for very good reasons...

But either way, not your issue, he's not your responsiblity, he's in his 40s, has a job and access to money.

[Iswallowedawatermelon]

Tell him he has to leave by the weekend.

He works and should be able to afford a basic b&b.

4 weeks is too long in these circumstances I believe.

[AnyFucker]

he needs to wait out the 4 weeks in a cheap B+B and get professional help to extricate his emotions and financial ties with his partner

a few days with you is enough, OP

[fourforksache]

AF is right. time for him to move on.