To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Glasgow seems to be one of these people who likes to scare women by coming up with more and more horrible scenarios of male violence against them. If Glasgow is a man, then he's the type who gets off on reminding women that they are powerless and vulnerable to the Mighty Penis.

As to the OP's situation, it's possible that it's the man's mild SN that made the DD uncomfortable. Sometimes some people with some types of SN are a bit socially inept and their responses a bit odd, which can make others a bit uncomfortable, and it's going to feel more distressing if you are alone in your own home with this person especially if it's someone you don't know and didn't invite there yourself. It doesn't mean he's any danger to anyone, but I am still on the side of 'he needs to go elsewhere' as he is not the OP's responsibility and her DDs have the right to be happy and comfortable at home.

[kali110]

Wow so all men are potential rapists?better tell my dp....
Yes, comments on here are disgusting. Agree with whoever said a certain poster is like this on many threads.

Its just possible the daughter felt uncomfortable as she doesn't know him, not because she thinks he's about to rape her.
This thread's made me really angry not all men are just waiting to attack young bloody girls.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I totally agree solid here here

[SquigglySquid]

Wow so all men are potential rapists?better tell my dp....

Wow so men never rape? Better tell my friend who got raped...

See? It works both ways.

As someone so eloquently put: "Not all Men? Imagine a bowl of M&M’s. 10% are poison. Go ahead and grab a handful. Not all M&M’s are poison!"

You can't tell a good man just by looking at him. Naively trusting a man you don't know, who has already made you uncomfortable, because "Not all men rape" is foolish.

[Aeroflotgirl]

you can't tar every man with the same brush, not all men are rapists, it's very sad when you look at a man and think rapist. It's different if you have been raped, but if not.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mabey that is why he us staying out all,day and coming back in the evening. Yes op priorities are with her family so he's moving out with a day or 2.

[AnyFucker]

I can't speak for everyone that has been raped of course, but I don't even think those that have would automatically tar every man with the same brush.

[glasgowstevenagain]

YY Squid - All I was saying - is that this stranger is already in a postion with the family he would never have been in through the choice of the OP or her children.

Agree with whoever said a certain poster is like this on many threads.

-

Again I would be happy to have any evidence of how I have been this way on "many" threads

I started my responses on this thread giving practical solutions.

"we wont get him a hotel, we wont be leaving"

so the OP had actually let her children be in harms way!


I stand by my point - this man is a potential sex offender and a danger to you and your children

[SquigglySquid]

you can't tar every man with the same brush, not all men are rapists, it's very sad when you look at a man and think rapist.

Of course not. But we're not saying that purely because he's a man.

We're saying that because he has already made DD1 uncomfortable. You wouldn't in a million years tell a woman to go home with a man that makes her feel uncomfortable. But it's ok for a man that makes her feel uncomfortable to stay in her house alone with her?

[glasgowstevenagain]

Mabey that is why he us staying out all,day and coming back in the evening. Yes op priorities are with her family so he's moving out with a day or 2.

Her husbands priorities were not with his family.


He should never have been allowed to stay there - if he had money for a deposit for a flat - he should have been directed to the nearest hotel.......

[kali110]

He's being labelled as a potential rapist for no reason other than he's a bloke. Thats sad. He's done nothing apart from asking for helping after being battered by his partner.

[SquigglySquid]

He's being labelled as a potential rapist for no reason other than he's a bloke. Thats sad. He's done nothing apart from asking for helping after being battered by his partner.

No. He's being labeled because he made DD1 feel uncomfortable to the point OP felt the need to come home so her daughter wasn't alone with him. If that fact wasn't presented this conversation never would have come up.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

What if the OP's daughter lied about it just to get her room back?

She seemed pretty determined.

[SquigglySquid]

What if the OP's daughter lied about it just to get her room back?

DD1 is the one that's uncomfortable. She has her own room and no reason to lie.

DD2 is the one that lost her room and is staying with friends.

Reading comprehension.

[SquigglySquid]

Actually, you know what? It wouldn't have even mattered if it was DD2. It's very sad that her feelings would be minimized or not taken seriously by her own family because they might think she had ulterior motives.

Even if she was lying, then her family still needs to show her that her feelings are being taken seriously and if she feels bad later it's on her. But they don't owe anything to a stranger.

[unrealhousewife]

I don't understand OP's refusal to accept that this would cause problems and to deal with it accordingly. Eg. Stay in the living room, don't roam around, spend as much time as you can out of the house.

He must be reasonably well off to be able to get the deposit for a flat so quickly, what are his difficulties?

If he's really vulnerable he would be better off with the security of social housing?

None of this makes sense to me.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Thank you for that - but her feeling uncomfortable still seems very convenient.

And I'm not even one of the ones saying the bloke should be taken in for any length of time.

[shockinglybadteacher]

Women are always lying for ulterior motives, don't you know. They love to throw good, honest, lovely men's reputations in the dust for their own selfish ends. That's why you should never believe them.

headdesk

I doubt very strongly that OP's DD is lying. I think she actually does feel uncomfortable with this bloke in the house. She hasn't called him a rapist or anything else. She wanted to know when he'd be out so she could do usual things before her job like have a shower or whatever without being alone in the house with a troubled man. That doesn't seem incredibly weird to me.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If he has got learning difficulties and low iq it could well be his lack of social skill or immature behaviour that might make op dd uncomfortable, not that he's done any wrong. Op dident actually say he had done anything wrong to her dd, her dd sounds very open so if he did I am sure op would know about it!

[LadyLemongrab]

glasgowstevenagain

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.

This will only end badly

Your thought processes are fucked.
I wouldn't want this man in my home either but your posts here are so fixated on one extremely unlikely scenario that I think the one saving grace in this whole scenario is that you aren't this family's guest.

[SquigglySquid]

Women are always lying for ulterior motives, don't you know. They love to throw good, honest, lovely men's reputations in the dust for their own selfish ends. That's why you should never believe them.

Don't forget the false rape reports. Women only cry rape as a form of revenge.

This really is ridiculous. You would never tell a woman to go to a man's house if she feels uncomfortable. But now the general consensus is that she should just get over herself and that she should have to spend the night with a strange man she's never met? Why? Because her father said so? Because he's been abused? Please.

Even if he does have low IQ and an LD, criminals don't have a maximum IQ they have to reach before they start breaking the law. It could be his lack of social skills that bug her. Personally if he's out all day I'll err on the side of he's probably fine. But it's not a risk I would take with my family.

We really need to stop infantalizing people with disabilities and victims of abuse by saying how helpless and saintly they are. They aren't. They're just as capable of being little shits like everyone else.

Everyone here saying "Not all men rape!" Not one of you would take a strange man in your house where he had easy access to your family. Not one, because you know it IS a risk no matter how much you cringe at someone saying it out loud. The OP's DH is foolish, and frankly, she's lucky that this turned out alright.

[ComposHat]

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.This will only end badly

Jesus that is really revealing about your mindset.

As a mid-30s male who spends part of his working life teaching young women in their late teens/ early twenties I can assure you I've never wanted to sleep with any of them. (Castigate them for turning up to a seminar without having done the reading, yes.) Let alone force unwanted sexual attention on them.

Or is this something that happens post 40? Will I then try and hump their legs like a randy dog?

[Jux]

When presented with a situation like this you have to strive for balance.

On balance this man is harmless. In a difficult situation and probably a bit discombobulated so perhaps not acting like his normal self. This will not be helped by staying with a bunch of virtual strangers in a strange house, with two young women, one of whose bed and room has been made available to him. It is very unlikely that he is a danger to anyone.

He is probably very aware that he is making things inconvenient for his hosts. He probably feels very awkward. I would, and I would spend as much time out and about as I could.

I am surprised that no one had suggested that he throw himself on the mercy of the Council housing dept first thing on Monday morning. He would have had a massive advantage then, as he was homeless, had crashed at an acquaintance's place where the bed was no longer free because the dd was returning home that day.

I know Council housing is stretched ridiculously thin, but he could have spent this last week in a B&B courtesy of them, and he would then have been on their books. As it is, he now finds himself with nowhere to go but a week further on.

If he hasn't found a flat share or anything at the weekend, tell him to get down to the Council on Monday first thing and throw himself on their mercy. By havering for another week, you may actually have done him a disservice as he wouldn't have met the unscruplulous LL, and he will certainly be a week later onto the Council's books than he would have been.

OP, it was a kind thing you did, being presented with this situation by your dh, but please ask him to think more carefully next time. Not the original w/e stay, but by extending the stay for a week has not helped anyone at all. That was foolish.

[Mozzereena]

The guy arrived back at our house about 8.30 tonight while we were having tea. I offered him food but he declined. DH persuaded him to have a beer. He would not, as usual, sit down.

DH has now just taken the guy to his next place. Apparently he can stay in this persons massive house until his flat with eviL LL becomes vacant. It's an acquaintance from his local pub. He thanked us for all we had done to help him. I told him it had been an absolute pleasure to help.

Just to clarify a few things, I understand the guy is employed as an FLT driver by an employment agency. Although he has been in the same job for the last couple of years it is not secure employment.

No one had considered that we were in any danger from this man as we trust my DH judgement.

My DD has never suggested to us that she felt uncomfortable because of this man. She only asked me what time was he going out on Monday as nobody had thought to find out before hand to inform her. I had not realised that he was still in my home at the time.

It was my decision to return home on Monday morning when I realised that I had left my DD alone with a virtual stranger in the house.
She did not ask me to return nor did she try to manipulate anyone.

I don't think anyone has gone as far as to imagine what other things he may have been doing with himself in the room as well as sleeping.
DD2 will return tomorrow to a clean room with fresh, clean bedding

I hope, against the odds, that it all works out for the guy with the 'evil LL' and he turns out to be ok after all. I know the area he intends to move to and it is a fantastic area.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

Happy friday OP have a well deserved or three.

Glad that a good end has been found for all.