To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

[MandarinCheesecake]

Whoever it was that suggested that the OP buy a caravan for him to live on the drive, that's just crazy.
The op has been kind enough already, accommodating a man she doesn't know in an emergency, its not up to her to provide a long term solution at cost.
If it were a very close friend/family member then this wouldn't be an issue. Its the fact that this man is unknown to them and DH has offered a week when op agreed a couple of days that is the problem.

OP your dd has every right to be annoyed that she hasn't use of her own room.

My parents did this for a good friend of my dad's, he split from his wife and had nowhere to go. I had to give up my room and sleep in with my parents. Only he didn't show any signs of leaving. I started resenting him for losing use of my room and hated the fact he was drunk most of the time (day and night)
I felt uncomfortable being around him. I got really upset and asked my mum to ask him to leave as it was really affecting me. He was gone within the week.
I was only 10 years old at the time, so i totally understand how your dd is feeling.

This is not fair to you or your dc's you need tell your dh he has to tell this man to move on.
I know i wouldn't be so accommodating to someone i barely know, you have done enough already!

[JeggingsHateMe]

I just want to touch on what a PP said. If a person is fleeing DV, yes they can approach any council but it's not true at all that no evidence is needed. All approaches are investigated fully and at speed to enable to serve the person fleeing correctly, evidence is used.

This guy can call his local housing authority, explain his situation, they will give him some targeted advice, there is a team especially for this. If he meets certain criteria they can also help with a deposit on a new place. He needs to make a call and get into their system.

I would also be very unsure about a 4 week notice period on the other guy, I think the Landlord is lying, that does not add up. If the guy in the flat already calls the local council to let them know about the 4 week notice period, they will soon set that tenant right. Unfortunately in some cases it's not just a case of giving notice, tenants are protected which sounds like in this instance it's a good thing!

Have him call housing in the morning.

[expatinscotland]

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Stop researching links for housing, suggesting solutions, or organising jack.

He's an adult with a job and access to money.

Tell him he needs to out.

[Romeyroo]

If he has money for a deposit on a flat, he could have found a B&B till he got a room share.

What evidence was there of this battering? Did he contact the police?

For someone who has been abused, this man seems to be quite accepting of abusing others, some guy who is unemployed is about to apparently also be made homeless. Sorry, but that is awful.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Romeyroo

"What evidence was there of this battering? Did he contact the police?"

Would you ask a woman this?

[expatinscotland]

I wouldn't ask a man or woman for evidence, but I wouldn't put up an acquaintance for more than 3 nights, either.

[Joysmum]

pissedglitter I agree entirely. I'd go out of my way to help somebody.

As for the heartless LL pot/kettle/black

[expatinscotland]

Good for you. PM the OP, then, he can sleep on your bed and use your room as long as he wants.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i think it's a bit shitty of anyone to imply that he might be lying about being 'battered'. I would hate an extra person in the house regardless though.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

and why the hell have some posters implied that he might be a rapist - where's that come from?! I know it's been said but no way in hell would anything that horrible be said about a woman in this situation (quite rightly, I hasten to add).

[sleeplessbunny]

The weather is good, do you have a tent? Perhaps he can camp in the garden?

[sleeplessbunny]

sounds like he was a bit naive to hand over a deposit for a property that is not even available yet. Who knows if he'll ever see that again?

[Romeyroo]

boney, when I was battered, the evidence was clear to see.
And yes, if a female friend turned up saying she had been battered, I would want to know where she was hurt, did she need medical attention, can we call the police.

[ComposHat]

How will you feel if he rapes your daughter? You don't know him.

Unbelievable.

Not only is he disbelieved about beng a victim of domestic violence, but is a potential rapist.

Have a word with yourself.

[PrincessBabyCat]

VampyreofTimeandMemory OP's daughter is nervous in the house alone with him. We have no idea what kind of vibes he's giving off, but whether OP's daughter is rightly or wrongly afraid of him isn't really the point. He is a stranger. They don't know him or have any previous history to determine if he is an alright guy or not. He could steal or bring the problem to their house as well. Just because someone is a victim doesn't make them a saint.

Romeyroo I had a friend in a domestic situation and her boyfriend put a pillow between her and his fist so he could hurt her without leaving a mark. Not everything leaves a bruise or injury.

[PrincessBabyCat]

Not only is he disbelieved about beng a victim of domestic violence, but is a potential rapist.

1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted Compos. You wouldn't recommend a woman going home on a date with a man she knows after the first date, why would you suddenly be ok with a woman alone with a man she's never met? OP's daughter is uncomfortable with him. She could just be nervous, or he could be giving legit danger signals. But it's not worth letting him stay to find out.

Being a victim doesn't make someone a saint. Whether you like it being said out loud or not, most criminals are victims of abuse. Not every abuse victim abuses others, but abusers more often than not were abused themselves.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

he's probably not giving off any vibes, it's normal to be nervous around someone you don't know.

However, I think the whole 'he might be a rapist!' thing is fucking ridiculous! why not assume drug dealer, for example? because he's male?

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I'm pretty sure a considerable number of women have been home with a man they hardly know.

[YouMakeMeHappy]

Poor OP, first she is called heartless for wanting him gone, then selfish for letting him stay!!

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i'd want him gone too OP, just to clarify. I'd want anyone gone, I need space, I just couldn't handle it so IMO, what you've done already is great but there are other options available for him.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I would not be accusing him of possibly planning on raping anyone though

[PrincessBabyCat]

he's probably not giving off any vibes, it's normal to be nervous around someone you don't know.

If I knew a guy and DD was nervous I'd ease her worries. But if I didn't, how could I possibly assure her he's an ok guy? The most common advise given to women is to trust their gut. But just because a guy is a DV victim they should suddenly assume he's harmless?

I would not want to be alone in my house with a guy I didn't know unless someone could vouch for them.

And, yes. It IS because he's a man, 99% of all sexual assault is done by a man. You don't have to worry about the same thing with a woman. You just don't. It's not sexist, it's common sense. You can't tell a good man just by looking at him. Let's not be disingenuous and say we should just ignore warning signals for the sake of not offending.

As I said before, his feelings aren't worth DD's safety. If my DD said she was uncomfortable with a man she didn't know in our house, he'd be out without asking for an explanation why.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

cat i agree that she needs to ask him to leave based on that but just out of interest, do you think a woman should always feel uncomfortable when alone with a man? what if it's a bloke connecting your internet or cleaning your oven? what about doctors and dentists?

[PrincessBabyCat]

cat i agree that she needs to ask him to leave based on that but just out of interest, do you think a woman should always feel uncomfortable when alone with a man? what if it's a bloke connecting your internet or cleaning your oven? what about doctors and dentists?

No of course they shouldn't feel uncomfortable when alone with a man. That is exactly my point. Her daughter should not be uncomfortable being alone with him. If she is, they need to examine why. If it's her problem, it's still not ok for her to be nervous in her own house.

The only time I've felt uncomfortable alone with a man is when they gave off strange vibes. I've never felt uncomfortable alone with a dentist or doctor, or repair man in the house (well aside from awkwardness of not knowing if I should keep him company or let him work unsupervised). If I did feel threatened, I'd listen to those instincts and examine why I was feeling that way.

[TessOfTheFurbyvilles]

And this is why the country needs more shelters for male victims of domestic abuse.

There are, I believe, only 10 such shelters for men in the UK. If there isn't one local, a man has nowhere to really go.