To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

[Mozzereena]

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I like that expression expat

[Freckletoes]

Surely there are more people at the cricket club who are acquaintances? Perhaps everyone could take their turns for a few days/ a week and then before you know it his flat will be available?!

[benfoldsfive]

Id move him in to the 5yr olds roomm and give him the week but make it clear he has to be out even if the flat isnt ready then.

He could be a resident land lord which means he ciuld evict that quick

[basgetti]

I think you've been more than generous, I wouldn't want a virtual stranger staying in my home for any length of time. I also think that PrincessBabyCat makes a good point that he may be in need of longer term or more specialist support than you are able to give. I would tell him that it was only meant as a very short term arrangement and you don't have the room to let him stay longer.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

Have you got a private drive?

Just wondering if you could between you all scrape together enough for a cheep caravan - assuming your continued good will, he could hook up water and power to the house and essentially you'd all have some privacy for the month + he's between a rock and a hard place and with no family its such a difficult situation all round.

It'll then be start of school holidays and you should get the money back on the caravan by onselling.

[ChelsyHandy]

I'm making a guess that most of the people criticising your 21 year old daughter have never been in the position of giving up their room in their own home for a man they barely know.

I too find it strange why he hasn't asked any actual friends this massive favour first. And I would expect him to be bending over backwards to offer you money to pay for it. I also find it odd that he would hand over a deposit to a landlord who currently has a tenant and is so confident of getting them to move out.

I'm cynical because when I advertised a room for let in my house, there was a definite category of "men who had been thrown out by/split up with their girlfriend/kicked out. It really opened my eyes as to how many of them were living in someone else's house in such a way as to place themselves in this situation without any safety net, and how eager they were to move into another woman's house. As I say, I'm cynical. And not wishing to denigrate sufferers of DV in any way. I take it the police are involved?

[expatinscotland]

Why can't he sleep on the sofa?

[Mozzereena]

I don't want someone using our living room as their bedroom

[Littlef00t]

To be honest an emergency homeless shelter might be ok. They usually kick you out during the day, but as he works would be ok. They are usually for 30 days. They're not all that bad really. You would have thought he would have other friends or acquaintances he could crash with if he really didn't like that option.

[expatinscotland]

And he has money to hand to this LL but 'no savings'?

[LurcioAgain]

I feel desperately sorry for your DD, to be honest. At 21 she's an adult, and she's being expected to give up her space, her privacy and sleep on the floor in her kid sister's room for weeks for a complete stranger? I think I'd use the "F" word at that point too. FWIW I have in the past taken friends into my house for indefinite periods of time when they've been in difficult circumstances - but the point is this isn't her friend/acquaintance nor is it her choice - the situation's just been dumped on her. So I think all the posters having a go are missing the point. If her parents choose to help out an acquaintance, then let him have their bed and they can sleep in the sitting room or whatever. Parents not prepared to do that? Then don't expect their adult daughter to do so either.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Would the council have to give him emergency accommodation if you kicked him out?

[expatinscotland]

I wouldn't want some random guy using my bedroom as a living space, either.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

So you won't give up your living room but you will give up your daughters bedroom. Nice.

Why didn't you have your son in with you and give him your sons room? He is 5, correct?

[basgetti]

Why couldn't he use the money he had to get a room or somewhere straight away, rather than using it to secure an already occupied flat in a month?

[expatinscotland]

I think he's trying to score a free place to crash, tbh.

[PiggyontheRailway]

Fuck me the milk of human kindness is just over flowing on this thread. No wonder the world is the way it is when people are willing to help each other as long as they dont have to put themselves too much.

[wafflyversatile]

as well as mankind Shelter may be able to give advice.

I'd have thought he needs to go to the council and say he is homeless. You might need a letter to say he can't stay there any longer.


It might be a case of getting her out. Are there children? Seems to me that if she is abusive he would be in a better position if he and the kids were in the same place and she moved.

Anyway, start with getting him to call mankind. I'm sure they will have plenty of experience of this same situation before now.

[Takingthemickey]

This is real escalation of assistance - from offering him a room for a few days, to a week, a month, months etc

OP did you even check out his story before moving him into your home?

[YouMakeMeHappy]

I'm shocked at how many people would happily let a virtual stranger doss at their house! (Or say they would)

OP, I think you've done enough. I wouldn't have said yes in the first place but if I was in your position now, I'd ask him to leave on the basis that your daughter needs her sleep for work/uni and he'll have to find somewhere else.

[expatinscotland]

At least four weeks for an acquaintance and was not invited is more than just putting oneself out.

[Mozzereena]

I'm afraid I am feeling I was BU to not consider the impact on my daughters of having a stranger staying in our house. I was just thinking it's only a couple of nights and he must be desperate to ask.

But on Monday morning after I did the school run I went shopping with my mum.
DD1 (age22) was getting ready for work for 11am start. She rang me on my mobile as everyone was out except for her and this man. She asked me what time is that man going out? I told her I didn't know as I didn't know anything about him really and I don't even have his phone number. She told me that she could hear him in the bathroom and she asked me if she could use my en-suite and get changed in my bedroom.
I told her yes and said I would come home right away so that she wasn't on her own in the house with him.
When I arrived home he had already gone out. He was out all day.
I suppose at least he is trying to sort himself out.

[Takingthemickey]

And he does not seem that concerned about the 'man' on the dole who would be kicked out for him.

If I was offered a place for a few days the last thing I would do is pay money for accommodation that would not be free for a month as that would be presuming on the generosity of my hosts. I would be looking for something else that fit more closely to the timeframe or at least checking with my host first that it was okay prior to paying as I could not find something quicker. By 'paying' that deposit, if indeed he has, he is trying to make you responsible for him.

[Nomama]

So, those that wish to scrounge take precedence cos the rest of us are expected to be kind, Piggy?

They don't know the man... don't really know why he is homeless and he appears to be nesting in their home....

That and by housing him they are making themselves partners in his misery, with his ex, with housing bids and anyone else who the poor man/bedcrasher comes into contact with. As has already been said, OP is now in a position where she may be asked to write a letter confirming SHE is making him homeless..... why should she be happy to be that involved?

It is an odd and uncomfortable position to be in. I only have sympathy for the contradictory emotions OP must be going through.

[expatinscotland]

She feels uncomfortable with this man but you are still putting him up.