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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex's who marry OW after a living with and fathering children with former partner..

72 replies

Sassyb0703 · 24/06/2014 19:22

My very close friend is devastated as ex partner has just told her he is marrying OW just 3 months after splitting up. Close friend always wanted to get married to ex but he didn't 'believe' in marriage when living with her. They had four children together youngest of which is 3. AIBU in thinking women who have children without marrying (if that is something the women really wants) are crazy to agree to children thinking it will change his mind ?. Apparently he has met his 'soul mate' and that has changed his mind...

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 24/06/2014 19:25

Your poor friend, it must be devastating for her that he's ready after only 3 months. Otoh she did go on to have many more kids so accepted it.

Fairy13 · 24/06/2014 19:26

I'm not sure what you're asking?

Are you saying that women shouldn't have babies with their life partner unless they are married??
You can be committed without being married.

The man is a shit. It's irrelevant whether they were married or not - if they had been married I'd be my arse he would still have been shacking up with the OW now - it just would have cost more to divorce!

DangerRabbit · 24/06/2014 19:30

Having a ring on his finger wouldn't stop him behaving like a twat.

magoria · 24/06/2014 19:32

I think many cheaters go on to marry/have kids very fast when they wouldn't are doing it to prove that it is true love, was meant to be and to justify the pain of those they betray.

kilmuir · 24/06/2014 19:33

Maybe your friend was not that great an option? Some people do move on and find their 'soulmate' .
I hope he pays towards all the children

mummypig14 · 24/06/2014 19:48

hahave a friend in the same Situation, apart from shes the other woman....

Shes engaged to a guy who has four kids with his ex, but was never married to her! I find it odd he wants to marry my friend, but never wanted to marry the mother of his children!!

minlillehus · 24/06/2014 19:52

I don't think this guy sounds like any prize.

Magoria, I think you're right. It's about justifying the pain caused.

Rebecca2014 · 24/06/2014 19:52

No being married does not stop an man from straying. But like another poster said, in the op situation maybe being married would ease the guilt as its really true love this time you know!

CanaryYellow · 24/06/2014 19:53

I get what you're asking/saying.

If you want marriage, and he doesn't, then don't expect having children to change his mind.

Your friend obviously decided that having children with this man was more important to her than marriage.

You hear quite often of men in long term relationships who aren't into marriage for whatever reason, that split with their partner, meet someone new and are then married in the blink of an eye.

micah · 24/06/2014 19:56

That's kind of the point though isn't it- if you're with a man and want to get married, but he doesn't, shouldn't that ring alarm bells?

I agree O/p. If marriage was that important to me I wouldn't be having kids with someone who didn't want to.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 24/06/2014 20:00

Your poor friend, I feel so very sorry for her.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/06/2014 20:02

"When a man marries his mistress he's creating a vacancy". He honestly doesn't sound like much of a catch. The woman with his four kids has had a lucky escape, I reckon.

LizzieMint · 24/06/2014 20:06

Similar thing happened to my friend - with someone for years who was adamant they didn't want children, they split up (no cheating involved - it was largely because of this issue) and within a few months she'd met someone else and got pregnant.
Very hard to swallow that what they actually meant was 'I don't want to get married/have children.... with you'

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/06/2014 20:06

Kilmuir if the friend wasn't such a great option then why did he keep visiting her with a hard on and no condom?

It seems completely bloody selfish of this man to father children with a woman he didn't feel was going to be his lifetime partner. His sperm wasn't going to go off, he could have saved it for another occasion when he felt he could commit.

Pumpkinpositive · 24/06/2014 20:09

Maybe your friend was not that great an option?

He had four children with her! Not one, four!

Maybe it's best she never married him - saves her the cost of a divorce lawyer.

CoffeeTea103 · 24/06/2014 20:10

Wallybanter, on the very same point of why did he keep sleeping with her, why did she keep accepting him sleeping with her? Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

Infinity8 · 24/06/2014 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/06/2014 20:23

Coffee because what I can gather from the first post is that the girl really loved this guy and wanted a family and a life time commitment with him.

If he was just saying he wasn't into marriage, but wanted to be with her forever then he was fooling her - you can still have a lifetime commitment with someone if marriage isn't an option. I have a close friend who doesn't believe in marriage, she has two grown up children with her partner of 22 years, and no intention of leaving her partner, or vice versa.

If he was consistently telling her there was no future, but she carried on getting pregnant regardless, then yes I'd agree it would be irresponsible of her.

fedupbutfine · 24/06/2014 20:47

so really, you're just trying to blame the person who's life has been turned upside down for the shitty behaviour of the man she had committed to (marriage or no marriage)?

Isn't he responsible for his actions and him alone? Why on earth should she take responsibility for being cheated on?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 24/06/2014 20:52

Well said fedup. Where's the sympathy and support??

Fairy13 · 24/06/2014 21:10

I agree wholeheartedly with fedup.

Bluetroublethree · 24/06/2014 21:19

This happened to me. We didn't have children as he didn't want them. He'd say "right now I don't want children" but then would refuse to clarify whether that meant "ever" or just not for the moment. We lived together, I'd moved country to be with him. He finished with me and three months later proposed to someone else - he swore he wasn't seeing her before but I strongly suspect he was. She was younger than me, and they got married and quickly had two children.
Then he did his usual of shagging about and she left him and took the kids. Then he rang me with a "how are you doing, you were always the one" type convo.
By then I was very married, very happy and very pregnant and took great delight in telling him to fuck off.

Original poster

Sassyb0703 · 25/06/2014 07:02

Sorry for delay in getting back to everyone who has been kind enough to post, but thank you for all your thoughts. My reason for posting on AIBU was to try and gauge general opinion on this as I was surprised by my own feelings. The question was very much aimed at the 'marriage' issue, not the very sad destruction of good friends relationship and family life by her devious twat of an ex - that part I am very clear on and am trying to give her all support possible. It is just that during the many hours of talking, it has become clear that friend is even more devastated by betrayal (if that is possible) by his decision to marry, something it now seems was very important to her. It is that aspect that I am questioning, if marriage is important to you is it wise to have children without the ring in place. She now feels (and these are her current beliefs baring in mind she is very distressed, not mine) that she was an idiot to have children with him as living together is not the same as being married. She feels if she had been married at least this would prevent him from swanning off to marry with this indecent haste giving her time to grieve. She also feels 'second class' good enough to 'breed' (her words) but not good enough to marry.. also feels in some way at least going through a formal divorce would make her relationship seem 'valid' ,as it is she is distraught that he can just up sticks and walk away with his only legal requirement being to leave a cheque for the children. Which he did. All of this not helped by total b of a mother who thought it was helpful to tell her 'I told you so .. why would anyone buy the cow when they get the milk for free ' !! Anyway I have come to conclusion through all this that IF getting married is important, then understand what you are agreeing to before having children, living together and marriage are not the same, there are huge financial and legal differences, and don't have children with a man who refuses or 'promises' he will think about it...

OP posts:

UsedtobeFeckless · 25/06/2014 09:36

I think having children with someone is a much bigger and more permanant commitment than marriage. You can dissolve a marriage but you can't unhave a baby. I've been not married to DP for more than 25 years and we have two sons - they are a far more binding tie than a ring and a bit of paper.

Original poster

Sassyb0703 · 25/06/2014 11:45

I agree with you entirely, I also been married many years and many children I think the point I was trying to make (although not been very orgainized getting thoughts across here) is that it appears from recent events with lovely friend, that if marriage is what you want, then it's probably wiser to wait to have children. Obviously, if you don't want marriage for whatever reason then the decision is irrelevant, but since this has come up it has provoked a lot of rl discussion and it turns out my own sil is deeply unhappy my db won't marry her when she has apparently made it clear to him its something she would really like. She also felt sure he would change his mind after DN born. Dn is now ten ! I know he has no particular anti marriage feelings, just doesn't want to do it which DSIL also says (as dear friend also said )" ok to mother his child but not good enough to marry" I was quite shocked to have this conversation as I had always presumed it was a mutual decision that both were entirely happy with. It makes me wonder how many other mums are out there with long term dps who would actually prefer to be married, and/or feel a bit or very hacked off it hasn't happened ? and what percentage of partnerships end in marriage AFTER dc arrive. Or are most men so self centred they don't feel the need once they have the children regardless of partners wishes.

OP posts:

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