Ex's who marry OW after a living with and fathering children with former partner..

[Sassyb0703]

My very close friend is devastated as ex partner has just told her he is marrying OW just 3 months after splitting up. Close friend always wanted to get married to ex but he didn't 'believe' in marriage when living with her. They had four children together youngest of which is 3. AIBU in thinking women who have children without marrying (if that is something the women really wants) are crazy to agree to children thinking it will change his mind ?. Apparently he has met his 'soul mate' and that has changed his mind...

scrambled I have tried to console df with this old adage (not very convincingly as both of us know quite a few very sucessful second marriages bourne of affairs ) but df points out that at least he will have to go to the trouble of a sodding divorce - in her eyes, a formal public declaration that they had a legally recognised relationship that has now ended...as opposed to him leaving a cheque on the dining room table after telling her 'he loved her and the dc but had met his soul mate and could not bear to be apart from her for another night...and with that, off he popped, no warning, no discussion, no chat to the children...but hey Ho, nice big guilt cheque, so that's all right then

used but that is not really my point. I am dam sure that twatface would have done the same married or not. It's to do with the fall out POST separation . DF feels that marriage and subsequent divorce and the time it takes would at least afforded her and dc time to grieve and adjust. Would prevent him from marrying OW three months from walking out the door. Would give public recognition to relationship. She feels as though she was a second class partner in eyes of law, if that. Not legally recognised in anyway despite 20 + years and 4 dc with fuckwit. Also shafted financially without marriage cert, and this is something that he would definitely give a second thought to. I believe this is where his previous non belief in marriage comes from....

sorry used should have addressed last post to scrambled

ignore last comment.. as you were..I will go put glasses on

chunderella following fallout from df awful situation, I will be spreading your advice... the only good thing to come from this is that db has finally agreed to marry dsil (not the time to pass these good tidings on to df !) I think he was scared shitless that I or our mother are his technical next of kin until dc is 18 and he didn't fancy his chances ! - no seriously, he was as shocked as I was to find out how unprotected his dp was, so has decided to do 'the decent thing as doesn't plan to trade her in ' - ever the romantic ...I had better buy a hat ...

It amazes me the amount of men who will have child but won't get married. Having children is far more of a commitment as it ties you to that person for life.

I do get it, Sassy and it's horrible for your friend.

I think it boils down to where the power lies in a relationship - he knew your mate wasn't going anywhere but he's not sure about this new one so he wants to regularise ( is that a word? ) things as soon as possible in case she has second thoughts.

He's a git and if there's any justice OW will be shagging his best man at their wedding reception.

It is a sad fact that if you sacrifice your career to bring up your partner's children, this is risky if you're married but much more so if you're not as the partner can walk out leaving you high and dry. And a lot of women close their eyes to these risks until it is too late.

Either the law needs to change to recognise that marriage is not a sacred event, and give SAHP/Main carer better rights post the breakdown of a relationship,

or as individuals we recognise that marriage is a life-long contract with entrenched responsibilities and rights which only come in to effect upon the breakdown of the marriage.

I am glad to be divorcing, despite the hell on earth it is, because I have rights to pursue. Everything would be much worse right now, if he had just walked away. Worse for me, better for him. As I've said before his decision to divorce, devastates me and relieves him, but the act of divorce ultimately will relieve me and devastate him.

I agree, any woman considering having children, and reliquishing her career/job to do so, needs to be aware of the importance of marriage/children. It is not just a statement of I love you more than anyone else, but an undertaking of responsibility if your happy-ever-after ends up being 'the grass is greener'.

I used to think marriage is just a bit of paper. Older, wiser and somewhat thankful right now.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on this thread it has been a real eye opener. I am now definitely of the firm opinion that if a man loves and respects you enough to make babies with you then he should have enough care for your emotional, ecnomic and legal welfare to offer marriage, if that's what you would prefer. I also believe that some of the information on this thread neads to get out there to mums, or dads especially sah carers... maybe a leaflet in the bag of goodies you used to get in hospital when you have a baby (do they do that still ?) Marriage is not for everyone, but there is far too much ignorance out there with regard to cohabitation and yes, you've guessed it the losers are most likely to be women... give people the information then they can make their own fully informed decision and be fully aware of the consequences should the worst happen...not completely poleaxed with grief/anger/disbelief as my sweet kind wonderful friend.

I think marriage is a bigger commitment, in some ways, than having a child with someone, since it's a public declaration that you love and want to be with your spouse. There's nothing forcing you to get married. There's nothing forcing you to declare your love and commitment to the other person. That's why I think it's different to buying a house together or having children together - yes, they tie two people but by necessity.

Having said all that, I'm divorced and wary of ever re-marrying.

chunderella sorry I was being a bit flippant about db and dsil ! he really wasn't aware what a vulnerable situation his dp was in until I told him about this thread, their decision to now marry is based on all the reasons bought up here and now wishes to do the right thing instead of just not bothering to get round to it..

Surely the DF's expartner will have shared access on a regular basis to DCs?
Are you saying that he is handing over a cheque and swanning off to a child free life?

I think that many men think of living together as 'instead of marriage' whilst many women think of it as 'the same as marriage' or that it means that you will marry, eventually.

My eldest son recently married the girl he had been living with for about a year. He previously lived with 3 other girls, ranging from 1 to 3 years. No children, thank God, from those relationships. We were talking about it and he said that only with his now-wife did he feel a level of emotion ('real' love) that made him want to make a 'real' commitment (i.e. marriage). He admitted that with the other three he didn't feel a 'for life' feeling, just 'as long as it lasts'. He was faithful, but said eventually he knew it was time to move on.

I think the big problem is that couples don't really discuss what they expect of living together & what it will lead to, whilst I think you're more likely to talk about what you expect of a marriage.

I'm so sorry about what your friend is going through. Not only is her heart broken, but he crushed her pride, too.

Yes, with one x-bf I was guilty of not telling him that I would never ever marry him. I lived with him, knowing that I would never marry him. And then when he asked, it all imploded. He got married to somebody else and it ended, and he was divorced quite soon afterwards. Then later, I assumed that a man that would be willing to move in with you would be considering marriage (cos that's what my experience had shown me). I was wrong! That time I had a close shave, but yes acrossthepond55 it should be discussed beforehand, and couples that aren't sure should make sure that their finances don't become too emmeshed.

I think it's the relinquishing of the career for mutual benefit with his decision as part of a family that is the mistake rather than having children - it's like securing a loan. The dc are automatically given the right to maintenance (not always the right amount and easy to dodge ) but unless you marry if you give up 20 years to fulfil a decision to support his chosen working lifestyle she gives up career progression, salary increases and pensions - she may have supported him to achieve a fantastic pension which she was to enjoy in retirement as a couple but he just walks away and she is financially fucked for a long time when it could be too late to sort a decent pension - what happens if that happens when you're 63?

doziedoozie sadly this is almost the case. He professed to be devastated at leaving the children yet 'postponed' contact until he was 'sorted out' - IMHO nothing quite takes the shine out of some fabulous 'bonding with your soul mate' like 4 angry arsy devastated children. When he did finally meet up with them (7th es after leaving) he thought it a good idea to introduce them to their "soon to be step mother" (yes folks - his twatishness is unparalleled ) you will be unsurprised to know that they want nothing to do with him. I know this situation will hopefully change but I agree with df that had they had to go through the divorce process it would have given everyone some time to come to terms with the situation.

acrossthepond I was very interested by your post, especially the part about different male/female expectations (or lack of) when starting a living together relationship. I went out earlier this evening with a bunch of 50 something friends and bought this topic up. There were 8 of us. 4 married still with original dh, had dc, 1 divorced remarried. Of the remaining 4 one has 2dc and has happily lived with dp for nearly 30yrs and does not wish to marry 'ever'. Interestingly she has always worked full time and is a high flier. The remaining three are all refugees from cohabiting relationships, two ladies admitted they wanted , in fact expected marriage and had all had children thinking this was sure fire way to make it happen. Only it didn't. For two of these ladies, the lack of what they saw as concrete commitment eroded the relationships until they were broken. They have all gone on to marry new partners.