to assume that 12 year old kids cannot be left alone in park

[mum7]

I would love to hear what you think: after sports day, my 12 year old daughter was left by herself in a park she was not familiar with. Apparently, she followed a large group of girls and then realised that these children were going home with their parents or by themselves. When she went back to where the games had been, no one was there. I called the school, and they did not know where she was. I think by then all the teachers had left. I have now re-read the letter from the school and it said that the "day is scheduled to finish at 3:45 at the track", which I now realised meant that we had to collect the girls from the track and not the school. Am I unreasonable to expect the school not to let my daughter alone just because I am not there as expected? If I had been late to collect her from school, she would have felt safe and just waited for me. In the park, she started panicking.

So, DD followed a large group of girls she didn't know, rather than go with her own friends? That's a bit strange.
When she realised they were meeting parents, why didn't she approach a parent and say something?
It also a bit strange that she went back to the track, knowing that the event was over, rather than going back to school and then onto home from there, if she couldn't work out how to get home from the venue.

Does DD travel confidently by herself normally and just got flustered and panicked? Perhaps you could coach her in positive things to do in similar situations- like finding a bus stop, looking at the routes etc.

A few weeks ago there was an AIBU about a year 4 girl cycling home along a short familiar route with her older brother. Most people who posted there seemed to think this was needlessly risky. This girl must be about year 7 and I can believe that if she had only recently begun walking home along a familiar route, navigating home from a strange park would be a big jump.

I don't think her response is that unusual. I would have panicked too at 12. My parents were sort of isolated and liked their own company and lived in a v remote farmhouse, and didn't think to take us to clubs and the cinema and so on, so I didn't see a lot of different things, so was less good at dealing with unexpected things. They certainly wouldn't have thought to take us bus or train trips to model how to do these things, when we had a nice comfy car. So I had to learn these things myself and I'm sure I seemed clueless.

Maybe talk to her and stress all the sensible things she did, and how well she did, and what she'd do in a similar (or worse) situation. And support her in having a bit more freedom. Perhaps she could take a bus to go shopping on her own sometimes, or join something like scouts or cadets which would help her try lots of new things and boost her confidence.

No sign of the OP since their first ever post?

I think OP must have the message that it was her fault and not the school's fault!

Awww - I still feel sorry for poor DD. She sounds sweet.
Hope she's feeling better and that OP is working towards giving her confidence about being more independent.

But they were not asked to make their way home- the parents were given a clear letter -and if they didn't want them to make their own way home it was up to them to collect or lift share.

I don't actually think it is reasonable to expect parents to pick up their secondary school age children at 3.45. I would have to take time off work to do that. I would expect them to go back to the school so they could make their own way home by bus or train as usual.

Well op, I'm guessing you are usually told dd is "just like you"? Kinda explains how you didn't read a clear letter and she panics in a park aged 12.

Fuss about nothing really.

YABU and ridiculous. She is 12 not 2! My 12 year old ds goes to and from school on the bus and to the park, shop etc independently.

"I don't actually think it is reasonable to expect parents to pick up their secondary school age children at 3.45"

The letter stated where & when school would finish that day.

It's not a demand that parents collect!

*"I don't actually think it is reasonable to expect parents to pick up their secondary school age children at 3.45"

The letter stated where & when school would finish that day.

It's not a demand that parents collect!*

We're going around in circles! I originally said that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect all children from my daughter's school to find their way home from an unfamiliar place as some of them come from 30 miles away and don't know the city at all. Another poster said that they were not asked to make their own way home and I said that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect parents to pick them up either!

The letter stated where & when school would finish that day.

It's not a demand that parents collect!*

We're going around in circles! I originally said that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect all children from my daughter's school to find their way home from an unfamiliar place in the city as some of them come from 30 miles away and don't know the city at all. Another poster said that they were not asked to make their own way home and I said that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect parents to pick them up either!

whatever5 I'm not saying a child should know every bus route within the 30 mile area but why on earth are parents not teaching their children what to do in this situation and who to contact?

Sorry

I agree it does depend where the track is.

It may or may not have meant that collection was mandatory.

Come back OP!!

Obviously none of us can be sure, without the OP coming back to answer questions, but I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that the park / track was within walking distance of the school, otherwise how would they have got everybody there in the first place?
So if they walked there, and she didn't know how to get back from there, then she could surely have walked back, as the staff would have been doing if she felt she couldn't retrace her steps on her own.

That's what I was thinking.

Although if they were bussed there, would they also be bussed back?

YABU
The letter was clear and your DD was old enough to make her own way home. DS1 has been travelling home from school on public transport since Y5. Either you picked her up or you made sure you knew how to get home.

Track must be with in walking distance from the school as it sounds like they all walked there in mass after meeting a school.

You need to equip your dd as others have said so she can deal with these situTions.

My dd who is 11 and ds 8 walked on mass to a sports day yesterday. The option was for me to collect or let them walk bqck on mass to school. They walked back to school and then walked home together.

Had my dd been left at the track. She would hqve spoken to an adult or walked back to school the way she came

Hello again and sorry for not having responded sooner.

I get it that most 12 year olds are more independent than my DD and that most of you think I am being unreasonable - please don't say it again! I am still feeling awful about having misread the letter and in no way I am trying to avoid my own responsibility for what happened.

For those of you who wanted more detail:

• my DD had never been to that park before, had been dropped there in the morning by my DP by car and she just didn't know how to get back to school/home. She does not know the local area. The other year 7 girls who are not local have I suppose parents who read letters properly!

• Luckily, my DD did have a phone and she always makes sure it is charged, so we communicated by phone. The problem was that she did not know where in the park she was and I didn't know either (it is a very large park and although I drive past it everyday I have never been inside the park).

• the school has admitted that their instructions to the girls were not clear. After registration, they should have told the girls to form groups depending on whether they were going home alone, parents collecting from site or by school minibus. Having slips to confirm going home arrangements when out do school would have been even better.

• how she got back home: the caretaker found her and drove her back to school. By then I was looking for a place to park at the park!

• going forward: all school letters will be read and re read by me, my DP and of course my DD. She already does small local trips by herself and takes the bus in short and familiar routes. In due time she will also go to school by herself.

Good to hear from you, OP.

Surely a large park would have dome signs pointing out directions to other parts, gates etc? Was DD to stressed to notice them?

She should have stayed at the park bcos she knew you were going there, not gone off with the caretaker and omit to call you, so I'd be having a word with her about that. No point in telling you where she is and then going somewhere else! Actually, that's the worst thing to do for obvious reasons.

A good tip is to always plan how she is going to get home. So checking with friends what they are doing, finding out where the bus stops are and having change. At 12 she needs yo start thinking and planning, with your input and guidance.

Why in due time?

Surely that time was due about a year ago?

"After registration, they should have told the girls to form groups depending on whether they were going home alone, parents collecting from site or by school minibus."

Would that have helped your daughter?

How was she expecting to get home?

Seriously, you're doing your kid no favours by keeping her dependent on you. The time was a while ago I agree with PP.

So she phoned from the park to say that she was there.

But didn't wait for you because neither of you know the park well??

I'd be furious with her.

The other year 7 girls who are not local have I suppose parents who read letters properly!

Or they have just taught their children to read a bus time table? Or bothered to check where the bus stop was.

The time is really only relevant so oarebts expect them back late.

Dividing into groups would have been pointless.

She should be going to school by herself already OP!