to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

The Dc are playing up to the division between the parents.

They are getting lots of attention by not doing as they are told, DH reacts OTT( does he have a short fuse?) they then wail and whinge and ruin the day for everyone else.

Stop thinking your way is the only way and try to discuss this with your DH, have a plan that you will follow together.

One of the problems with this thread is that so many of the examples people beat the OP about the head with are emergencies, where of course it's bloody obvious that you pull the child away, and I can't see that OP disagrees. But none of those examples devalue her main point, that it's still better to give the children the tools to work out why they shouldn't do things than just to give them the message that it's OK unless and until a parent pulls them away.

The other problem is that people aren't really paying attention to what is going on with OP's DH, which is essentially to issue an order without giving any reasons at all, and then dive in with physical force if it's not instantly obeyed. Assuming that most people posting on here are reasonable parents, would you seriously go for that option rather than explaining to DS that it's kind to share? With OP's method, the child learns something valuable and feels good about himself, and will share again. With her DH's method, he learns that the strongest person wins, and will probably wrestle the ball back off his sister when he's out of sight. I know which I prefer.

YANBU he sounds very heavy handed and is using strength to get his own way. He isn't using it to protect or teach.

Agree with Jinsei 100%.

Of course toddlers need physical intervention but if you're having to physically lift or remove an 8 year old, there's something wrong with your parenting (unless the child has additional needs). A child of that age should beable to listen and do as they are told. Teachers don't physically pick up or move children, unless there are exceptional circumstances, so from the school age children know how ot listen and respond.

I do sympathise with you OP as my DH was similar to yours in theat he wouldn't give reasons, he'd just say 'don't do that', 'stop' rather than adding 2/3 words to explain the reason. I did get better though as the children got older. I used the same ananlogy as you did. If an adult was told 'Stop right now!" you'd be bewildered and wonder why. Children are exactly the same.

Sorry for all typos!

No ici there have been countless non-emergency times when I've only had time to bark "no!" or "stop!" and needed my children to do it right there and then eg when pouring a drink and I can see it's going to overflow. My children know without me having to reason or explain that if I say no or stop they do it right away and question later.

sweetheart, don't kick the lady in fronts chair, it's not nice"
"Sweetheart, don't kick the lady's chair, we've talked about how we need to be considerate to other people"
"sweetheart, DON'T kick the lady's chair, its really not nice and the lady will be uncomfortable"

And on, and on FOREVER!

But that's not what OP is suggesting, is it? It's more along the lines of:

"Don't kick the lady's chair, it's bad manners and annoying"
"I've told you not to kick the lady's chair, if you do it again we will have to leave"
"Right, we're leaving."

Problem solved.

Whereas, on DH's method it's:

"Don't kick the lady's chair".
Horrible commotion whilst DH yanks child up roughly, child screams, and he manhandles her out of the room, with yells echoing down the corridor.

I kind of get where you are coming from OP if your dh style if parenting is like my x where the aim is to control not to teach. But the fact that he then spends hours consoling suggests this is not the case.

My x never asked. He always told. Then he punished. And then he would be quite pleased if they got hurt (he's a prick).

I am far from a perfect parent. I try to ask, then tell, then consequences which will if necessary include physical intervention. Other days the consequences may come sooner if I don't have the energy to argue. (I accept this relates more to my mood than their behaviour. I am human something kids also need to learn).

if I tell them to stop I expect them to do it first and discuss later as I have explained to them before that I do not tell them things for no reason.

my kids frequently don't listen. They are kids. There are consequences and lots of frustration.

But, what do you do OP when your dh is molly coddling manipulative dcs? Do you intervene and say dd you don't need carried do you? Or do you just let her learn that winding up dh gets results and let all the other dc learn that when dd manipulates dh you all have to have your walk cut short so this is in effect the trump card piss me off i ruin everyones day.

^The Dc are playing up to the division between the parents.

They are getting lots of attention by not doing as they are told, DH reacts OTT( does he have a short fuse?) they then wail and whinge and ruin the day for everyone else.^

But they are not getting all that attention from the OP, they are getting it from the DH!

My dc know the word 'Stop' and respond to it, They do not question me.

Infact now if my 8yo is walking ahead and he looks back at me I do not need to shout 'stop' I raise my hand like policeman would to stop traffic, He knows the signal and stops.

Bad form to mention other threads, but OP isn't impressed with her step children's behaviour anyway it would seem. Only her children 'know how to behave'. They haven't had 5 children together, they have them between them, so no wonder parenting strategies haven't been discussed and agreed together over the years.

OP, if you want advice then it's best to give the whole story imo. With regard to the actual situation, I would say that you both have very different styles and need to work a compromise. Talk to each other and try and understand each other's approach, then work a strategy together that suits both of you - make sure you show a united front to the children.

As with other posters, I don't necessarily agree with tell not ask.
I do think your dcs should listen to their df.
But mostly I wonder at the whole molly coddling aftermath.

Why don't you intervene there?
And make it clear to dh and the dc that they both have to live with the consequences- them of not listening when told and him of realising dcs will whine and it us his job not to pander.

If otoh he is like my x, then leave him.

I felt many of last night's posters hadn't really read OP's post properly and weren't giving very reasoned responses.

I have read it this morning and agree with what was said last night. It is a little patronising to think just because of the time of posting, people hadn't read properly.

Booooooo, I don't think you are disagreeing with me or OP. Again, I can't see that OP denies in any way that there are occasions when there simply isn't enough time even in a non-emergency situation to do more than yelling "No!" or "Stop!". But, significantly, you accept that afterwards you might have to answer the children's questions about it - indeed you probably will if you feel they need to learn why they had to be told so they look out for the same problem again. You aren't going for the OP's husband's approach, which seems essentially to be to expect them to obey without question, come what may.

Agree with SillyLass and Jinsei, and I am a pretty strict parent, and not remotely "darling please get down" I am a total fishwife and my word is law.
Whats all this guff about OP "not respecting her DH" ?? Is she doesn't respect the way he is currently parenting will his cock drop off??
I wouldnt respect it either. Ds's dad used to do the physical removal thing, then, when ds got to be about 3 I had to sit Ex down and explain to him why it wasn't going to work anymore and he had to find another way, because it would just turn into a proper wrestling match, with ds becoming more and more enraged and determined to not comply! Pointless and counterproductive.
There has to come a point at which your children do as they are told without being manhandled and physically fought with. It's fine to explain, briefly why dc should do something, and if they won't comply, then, yes, the death stare, and the consequences to be stated and then enforced.
Occasionally, yes, I might steer a child round some dog shit, or grab an elbow if a car suddenly backs out of a driveway, but generally I don't physically enforce my rules, because in a very few years my child will be bigger and stronger than me, so what then?

But, what do you do OP when your dh is molly coddling manipulative dcs? Do you intervene and say dd you don't need carried do you?

Obviously this is one positive thing that OP could do to try to ameliorate these situations when they occur, but I think she would prefer to prevent them from occurring in the first place. She might be feeling a bit annoyed herself by this stage.

I read the post just fine last night not sure what the time of nighf has to do with opinions though, I think the op is ubdermining her husband I front of her children I think the same today as I did last night,

My dp is more physical than me...it annoys me/upsets me and kicks off my defence mechanism and I go ape at him. Is purely because I was hit as a child (he wasn't) and I say any over powering is intimidation/bullying. Though obviously if he's keeping them safe/pulling one off the other its allowed.

I think he recognises his faults as is beginning to chill but I think its a personality thing. ..he had less patience to reason with them but as they get older if you rely on being physical where does it end? Ie how do u get a teenager to behave if your options doesn't count but your strength does?

Why is the op right and the dad wrong the dad initially asked a 6 yr old to get down she didn't ge got her down 6 yr old threw q hiss because she was taken off the gate dad carried her home , why is wn 8yr old being so overdramtic and crying for half an hour declaring daddy hurt me, sounnds to a lot of posters that the dad cant get their children to stop doing things because the kids dont care what he says, why is that

Genuine question to those who rely more on physical intervention rather than reason - what will you do when your dc reach an age when they're physically as strong as you - or stronger?

Most small children do not understand the principle of reason.

Most older children do.

I read the posts last night and I've read them again this morning.

I still can't get over anyone carrying an 8yr old over a mile home because she claimed to be so hurt, she couldn't walk after being removed from the gate

Whoever said the DCs are playing their parents off against each other, is 100% spot on imo.