to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

Your kids really need to learn to stop when told to do so. Honestly! Your poor DP.

Your poor DP.

^^ This

OP, you have been asked a number of questions on this thread, and you haven't given straight answers to them.

Unless you do, it will look as if you aren't being straight with the facts.

If you aren't straight with the facts, you won't get any advice of any value here, because it won't fit your circumstances.

I'm assuming you're genuine.

he'll say stop if he doesn't want them to then he'll put an arm out to block them which pushes them over. They don't understand why this is okay for him to do.

So what should he do then? let them climb over him even though he has asked them not to? reason with them while they climb over him?

The issue here is your children are unable to follow a simple instruction it seems.

Sounds to me like your DC understand the different 'rules' for dealing with each parent. Of course you don't need to start wrenching them off gates for the sake of it, but if you would have let her get away with "I'm nearly over" as a reason to ignore you, that would be too soft in my view.

I'm proud to be the first person on this thread to utter the immortal Mumsnet phrase...

"No" is a complete sentence.

Unless you are the OP's DH, it seems. No lazing on the sofa with a cuppa - no, the poor chap has to be constantly alert for large children who won't listen to a simple, one-word command. Because eh shouldn't try to defend himself from their assault, no he should take hold of the child by the shoulders in case he hurts them. No mention of DH getting hurt by the heavy child throwing itself on him, I notice.

Funny how any questions are just met with yet another account of her husband' s alleged brutality descibed as 'hurting and hitting' when it is nothing of the sort. Putting up your hand to prevent a burly 7 year old hurl themselves full force at you isn't hitting or physical discipline it is self defence.

All of which is contrasted with another claim that these little horrors go into a state of zen like calm the minute the op so much as opens her mouth thanks to her horse whisper esque ability to subdue a child.

Getting boring and repetitive and ever less credible.

I don't really understand the "because I said so" approach to parenting

Whereas I am a big fan of it. I am in charge and that is final. My children are not cowed or bullied or overruled meaninglessly but they know ultimately what I say goes. We might have a discussion if it's that sort of topic but in the end I am in authority. I don't think it's fair to give children the illusion of power that actually they do not have and cannot handle.

Don't have any particular views on the DH and the physicality but I'd guess he's trying to regain some authority in a house where his wife goes round citing NSPCC guidelines in the context of some fairly unremarkable parenting decisions..

And I'd be flipping roaring at the kids for leaping at me like that.

Wonder why OP is more interested in getting her point across than getting alongside her DP. Do you have nice times together OP?

'Self defence' Compos really?? The children range between 1.5-4 stone in weight. He weighs 17 stone and is 6'3" but is ok to knock them over in self defence?! Some of the views on this thread are bloody unbelievable.

The majority of the time they go.running towards them he'll say stop but actually pull them in to.throw them in the air or tickle them or hug them. How are they supposed to know when he actually isnt pretending he wants them to stop and not be upset that instead of being embraced by dp as they'd hoped they're instead knocked to the ground? If he wanted to prevent them jumping on him he should not allow it sometimes but not others, and he could just stand briefly to prevent it when he means it rather than hurt them. Because being knocked to the ground does hurt, whatever you lot seem to think.

Well the upshot will be that the DCs avoid him, and avoid situations where he might behave erratically.
Not sure how you can change him if he does it sometimes and not others.
Odd behavior. Perhaps you could give him similar treatment such as shout angrily in reply when he makes a calm comment. See how he likes it bit desperate though and prob wouldn't wrk

NeeNawNora

Try telling your kids whilst they hang off of every words to listen to their father!

And do not home-ed with him.

The thing is OP you keep coming back with more 'examples' but not actually answering any of the questions that people have asked.

It doesn't seem that you are taking on board anything that people are saying in agreement with your DP.

Drip...drip...drip

By putting an arm out to block them ( and I assume he isn't clothes lining them at neck height) he's preventing them flinging themselves at him (self defence was a clumsy term) and a child bodily flinging themselves at you in a prone position bloody hurts. Dangerous if you have a hot drink in hand.

Hang on, weren't you saying your daughter (the one who trampolines 4 hours a day was overweight. 4st isn't overweight for a 7 year old.

How does the situation of a child running into an adult transform into "knocking them over in self-defence"?

The child is falling over because they aren't listening to DH's wishes and continuing regardless in a heedless fashion that means they can't stop in time. Their problem entirely. Unless you think DH should just lie there and let them do whatever they want? Kind of like the ultimate human doormat.

Compos - it's 4 hours swimming at the weekend, and only 1.5 to 3hours trampolining every day. Not forgetting the 2 mile walk to school and the sporting activity 4 times a week and "miles" of dog walking. I'm surprised the child has an ounce of spare fat on her with half that amount of exercise.

I'm wondering if poor DH can ever manage to do anything right. But am reassured by the fact the DCs demonstrate they do want to be with him, even if they are uncontrolled in the way they do this.

Interesting that in her last post the OP made no reference to the posters who have said she has started loads of similar threads.

Interesting that people repeat that without looking her up. Advanced Search is your friend.

Yes, it would be dangerous if there was a hot drink in hand. But there isn't. Just another exaggeration used tojjustify unnecessary force. And 4st is overweight when she's 109cm tall.

If one of your dc put an arm out to knock over another dc katie, would you say the second dc merely fell over? Because I wouldn't. An adult, indeed a parent, doesn't make it okay in my opinion. It makes it worse.

What are the 'loads of similar threads'?? There was a barely answered one about what behaviour to expect from children around 7. No mention of physical force being used against children.

Also, what are the questions I'm avoiding answering? Have I spoken to him? Yes. I've told him I think he needs to be more consistent and if there's something he does or doesn't want them to do then be clear so they know where they stand. For example, he could say to dc that he usually doesn't mind them jumping on him but could they ask first to make sure. That'd solve it without the need for repeated upset. He says he isn't as 'logical' as me and struggles to remember to warn/be consistent.

In your scenario he put out his arm after the child had refused to stop running at him with the intention of jumping on him, Nora. I think it's entirely reasonable for anyone, adult or child to stop someone else doing this to them. What else was he supposed to do, other than give in and let them do whatever they wanted?

Children have to learn to be considerate of others, especially when they've verbally been warned off and then this is backed up with a physical barrier. I'd be more concerned about why they are persisting in breaking this boundary as its very disrespectful to anyone, and a lesson they need to learn. I'd be even more concerned that the second child persisted after seeing and hearing DH with regard to the first child. What more does the man have to do? Other than engage in a lengthy discussion, of course.

Ah, the fictitious 'lengthy discussion' again.

'They need to learn' - knocking a child over should not be the way to teach a child something. He shouldn't encourage it sometimes and expect them to subliminally know at others that he will have a different reaction. As described above, he could say once and for all he doesn't want it to happen or ask them to ask first. He could stand or move rather than knock them over. The are the same dc as I parent and I do not get 'assaulted' by them yet also do not 'assault' them. If I can do it without force, why can't/shouldn't he when it'sssomething that upsets and hurts the dc?

Well mine just did as we said because we are the adults, we know best and we love them.

End of. No answers backs.

Funnily enough as a TA today a year 4 tried to physically push past me after I had told him to wait.

Year 4.' But I want to get changed for football'

Me' 'you have to wait as it's too crowded'

Year 4, 'why'

Me ( biting tongue hard) because I say so I actually think by the shocked look that was the first time an adult had effectively said no and shut the fuck up sunbeam

As you were op.

What are you not getting OP nothing you have described is him assaulting them or knocking/pushing them over. He stuck his hands out because once again your children fail to listen and stop your child run into his hands because they refuse to listen and instead you tell the kids he's pushing them over if he had got up and pushed the children over it would be different.

You seem hell bent on trying to make your DP seem abusive if he's so bad why don't you leave him because I for one wouldn't stay with a man who continually pushed my kids over!

Errr - because your DC don't seem to be able to understand that sometimes no means no and there isn't any discussion (long or short)about it. A NT 7 year old should be able to understand this without a problem and shouldn't have to be taught it. Obvously the DC with ASD may be different, although a poster did suggest that a direct instruction was a better tactic than your method.

The DC need to respect their father's wish not to be jumped on and to have some consideration for others. Why should he have to explain it to them? What is there to explain? He doesn't want to be jumped on - full stop. Perfectly reasonable.

But you do not see it that way and that's the problem in a nutshell.

Saying "stop" or "no" is definitive and is saying it "once and for all", just as you suggest. Honestly, it seems as if you are in a mind-set that whatever your DH does is wrong and your way is the only way. You haven't said one positive thing about him in the whole thread. parenting isn't a competition. You have to work together and agree how best to tackle things as a couple, not with you undermining and criticising him.

every time you retell the tale the language and your account gets ever more dramatic

in your initial telling of the tale he merely stuck his arm out to block an onrushing toddler then when thst didn't get everyone on your side, the ante was upped to 'using unnecessary force' and , now he's 'assaults' them.
What next? He launches a tactical air strike? Machete attack?

So what was it op