to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

Icimoi/Nerf, I suspect OP might have got a more reasoned, less herdlike, response if she had chosen a different time to post on than 23.12 on a Saturday night.

I, too, am sure that OP would have no difficulty physically removing her DC from things if it was abolutely necessary. She has already said she would make them hold her hand walking along a busy road.

I think the main problem is more about the DP's lack of impulse control. He wanted the DD to get off the gate because he wanted it and he wanted it now. (It wasn't a fence, it was a gate that was perfectly safe to climb over and that she had been allowed to climb over before.)

I don't think it is OP that undermines her DP's methods, but the DP himself. He should be the one telling them that if they don't listen to him, that will be the consequence. Instead, when he sees they are upset, he immediately changes tack and spends a ludicrous amount of time pandering to them and trying to console them. If anything it means that he is the one that is too soft.

Not sure what to suggest but you need to discuss it with him when the children aren't there. I don't think it is helpful to use words like soft. Try not to present yourself as the perfect parent, but have a frank discussion about situations where he has got it wrong and let him tell you about any situation where he feels you have got it wrong. This might help you focus more than with a general discussion about parenting styles.

I stupidly left a halogen heater in reach of my 3 year old. 'Darling don't touch that its hot' of course he had to see if what I was saying was true..

YABU!! My DSD (4) doesn't listen to a word we say!! She will run off the pavement in to the middle of the road!! No amount of verbal requests would get her back and natural reaction is to run after her and get her back.

A babygate is there for a reason. It is not to be climbed over, it's to be walked through!

DSD will pull DD (11MO) off the bed by her ankles, she will grab hold of her head and bang them against the cot bars, no amount of reasoning will stop her! I have to pry her hands away and put her in time out whilst we both calm down!

And as for taking toys away I agree with that too. Last night DD was sat playing with a teddy on the sofa. DSD (who was playing a number match game with DH) turned around, saw DD had a toy and snatched it off her before sitting back down to play said game. I ignored and got DD another toy. DSD took that toy too, this time I warned her.

I got DD yet another toy and yet again DSD took it away from her. DD was upset at this point. I took the toy off her and placed her in time out. Kids need boundaries

Cecily its 9.59 on a Sunday morning. My response is the same as yesterday. Part of me thinks its a wind up..

you are constantly undermining your Dh in front of child you do not support him in front of them but criticise either by implication or directly you seem to be saying my way or no way;
of course your DC pick up on your lack of respect for Dh and your undermining him not even a 3 year old could miss it, if my DD answered me back like your DD did saying "i'm nearly over the gate" she would be told not to be cheeky to whatever parent and the fact she was nearly over was irrelevant and she should have got down the first time she was asked

according to OP her DH did tell DD first he said get down she didn't he removed her he did not just go and remove her from gate he told her she did not listen at best or deliberately disobeyed ( probably because hse knows OP would have given in) so she was removed no problem

Fair enough, Frog, but you are just one poster and entitled to your opinion. I felt many of last night's posters hadn't really read OP's post properly and weren't giving very reasoned responses.

Yes but too late now. Mumsnet opinion on this thread has been decided and op will just get more and more criticism for any more posts, along with insults and predictions for her dcs future.
I totally get the style if parenting she wants and dh and u have similar difficulties.

I not u!

Dp would say 'don't go that way' then physically chase him and stop him if he didn't think he was going to listen.

How terrible, a father that makes sure his dc doesn't get hurt! He is trying to prevent them getting hurt, so he and they don't have to deal with the consequences.

If he chose not to listen to me, he would get stung Your example of your dc falling in stinging nettles & learning is bloody barbaric & isn't actually teaching them anything except they can't count on mum to prevent them getting hurt. Because they will be experiencing pain, any lesson will go out the window.

If they were heading towards water, or a cliff, would you reason with them then, too? Let them fall in/off so they learn that not listening isn't a good idea? Or would you want your dh to run after them & potentially save them?

Your way of parenting sounds way too passive to me.

I can't believe op, that EVERY TIME your dh physically prevents an accident he hurts his dc. I am pretty sure you are over egging the pudding there.

Whereas if ds had got stung because he hadn't listened he'd have recognised it was his own fault and got on with things. So your reasoning is that if he hurts himself because he doesn't listen, he doesn't need consoling? Because it doesn't hurt if you don't listen? Believe me, falling in stinging nettles is horrible, and he would have needed consoling either way. The only reason he wouldn't have been consoled is because you have the "it's your own fault" attitude, so they know not to look for sympathy. Which is a horrible way for a kid to live (been there, done that)

I did not read the thread till this morning and I agree with everything that was said last night.

So op's parenting style:

Warn with reasons
Warn again with reasons
Warn again with reasons
Physically restrain

Dp's parenting style:

Warn with/without reasons (unclear from OP's posts)
Physical restraint

I'm with you op. I don't demand of dd, I ask and explain. Physical removal is a last resort. I would also be uncomfortable with this approach. I don't understand why so many are saying children should do things just because adults say so, that they shouldn't ask why. Neither situation was dangerous, impatience is no excuse for becoming physical.

If we don't explain to our children the reasons we are asking, how will they learn? Should they only do things because they are worried about dad intervening or should they do things because they understand why?

I now have "herd mentality" to add to "professionally offended" and "mumsnet opinion" of my bank of bullshit

Why is it that in a thread where the majority agree the minority can't just state their case therefore creating debate rather than falling back on these lazy statements?

I think the only mistake the h made was to carry the daughter after removing her from the gate. I bet he could have made the "injury" disappear by suggesting a trip to A&E or something equally creative. If the child was anything like mine the injury was code for "I'm annoyed that I didn't get my way."

I have no real issue with the op's style tbh. So long as the children react positively to it and did as told. I'd hope they didn't need 3 warnings every time though. It shouldn't be necessary.

Certainly at school they wouldn't get that many warnings as it just wouldn't be possible with 30 children.

I do have an issue with the way the op speaks about her dp's parenting style with no respect for him at all, and that she clearly does not give him any back up whatsoever from what the posts say. If anything the OP appears to do the opposite and offer no back up at all and sides with the children against the DP.

Unless the op is not saying everything the DP is not actually doing any actual harm to the children and just has a different approach.

Yes, of course it was, and yes, or course he could have; but he didn't. Because his first impulse was to get her off the gate, while his second impulse was to be upset that she was upset and he went straight into overcompensation mode.

While no actual harm done, it must be really hard to live with another parent being harsh for no good reason one minute and then ridiculously overindulgent to the child he has upset the next minute. And it then escalating the whole thing to spoil what should have been a fun outing.

I think the OP has been given a hard time! I don't deny that physical intervention is sometimes necessary when children are toddlers, if only to keep them safe, but if you're still using physical intervention after around 3, is that not a sign that something isn't working?

I don't really understand the "because I said so" approach to parenting. My own mum and dad never really imposed their will on us in that way, and always explained and reasoned with us. Far from going off the rails as teenagers, neither DSis nor I really rebelled at all, unlike many of our friends.

I think there is an issue in that the OP's dc don't seem to listen to her DP, and I would be wanting to talk to them about why. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with her general approach.

"sweetheart, don't kick the lady in fronts chair, it's not nice"
"Sweetheart, don't kick the lady's chair, we've talked about how we need to be considerate to other people"
"sweetheart, DON'T kick the lady's chair, its really not nice and the lady will be uncomfortable"

And on, and on FOREVER!