to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

In the example of the seat back.

When the parent says "right we're leaving "

Next response from child ... ?

Will they go meekly and quietly too?

Genuine question to those who rely more on physical intervention rather than reason - what will you do when your dc reach an age when they're physically as strong as you - or stronger?

Most kids learn from a very early age that their parents won't take any shit...therefore that's unlikely to be a problem...or at least it wasn't for my 3 kids who are now aged 22yrs, 15yrs and 11yrs.

It wasn't a problem for me or my 4 siblings either, but then we had united parents who most certainly wouldn't pander to us trying to play them off against each other.

Besides, it's not a case of 'relying more on physical intervention'. It's an even mix as in warn and then remove when they don't do as they're told.

It is a little patronising to think just because of the time of posting, people hadn't read properly.

I am not going to spell out why I came to that conclusion, but would have to agree with Silly when she states, 'I'd be really shocked if many Mumsnetters actually believed this was the most effective way of managing behaviour' as the usual mumsnet response is usually so different - thoughtful and helpful.

Where OP is at fault is I think she should perhaps have explained her family circumstances regarding parents and step-parents and specified the exact age of the child involved.

I reckon me and dh tend to go for the middle ground on this. Never really had to be physical. Never really had too much reasoning. Sometimes no is no. And I do think there are situations, even with older children, when this is necessary. And it's usually a tone of voice that explains when it is.

The main issues are that the op and her dp are poles apart at the moment and the op doesn't respect her DP, and it seems quite clear that this is being passed over onto the children whether intentional or not. Both parents are to blame for this. They need to speak and agree on a consistent approach with some compromises on either side and very importantly they need to back one another up in front of the children - unless there is actual deliberate harm being caused.

So you mean you think posters were q bit pissed and arguementative because it was later on a saturday night ,

*But that's not what OP is suggesting, is it? It's more along the lines of:

"Don't kick the lady's chair, it's bad manners and annoying"
"I've told you not to kick the lady's chair, if you do it again we will have to leave"
"Right, we're leaving."

Problem solved.

Whereas, on DH's method it's:

"Don't kick the lady's chair".
Horrible commotion whilst DH yanks child up roughly, child screams, and he manhandles her out of the room, with yells echoing down the corridor.*

If I was the lady in question I would undoubtedly prefer DH's action as this would remove the child after one transgression, not three. It is minimising the discomfort and aggrevation to an innocent party. I'd be pretty pissed off with any parent who allowed their child to kick a chair three times and only then removed it. It isn't solving a problem at all for the poor person putting up with it, whereas DH's way does solve the problem immediately and also teaches the child a good lesson. the other way just shows you can get away with bad behaviour for a considerable period of time.

I still can't get over anyone carrying an 8yr old over a mile home because she claimed to be so hurt, she couldn't walk after being removed from the gate

Then, you must think the OP's partner was unreasonable because he was the one doing the carrying!

Yabu. I pulled my xh up all the time on how he dealt with things. Ds now 16 and has no idea of consequences or does but chooses not to care. I am responsible for this as I should have showed a united front in parenting. I regret that deeply. Do not show your disapproval in your dh in front of dcs.

What katie said 3 strikesand your out isnt teaching a child not to kick the ladies chair its teaching the child that they are far more important than the poor lady who iw being kicked in the back

i think the issue here is that the OP isnt teaching her DC's that they need to listen to Dad.

No, the issue here is that OP is teaching her DCs that there is a reason behind what she says, whereas their Dad is expecting them to exercise blind obedience. I know which parent will get more respect and will stand a better chance of the children listening to what they say.

Why do you allow you'd DD to climb over the gate? Does it not open? Gates are for walking through not climbing on. What if it had bird shit on etc.

Tell your DD to walk through the gate and do as she's told. I agree with your DH your the type of person that will turn a 5 minute walk into a lecture and take 20x as long. I expect my child to listen to me because I am his mother and he needs to do as he's told, I'm not telling him to run into the road for the hell of it. Why have 5 children with your DH if he's so crap at parenting?

I also wouldn't pick your dd up and carry them home. She can walk he didn't break her legs

Got it in one, Mrsjayy. And even if you think OP is totally wrong and her DP is totally right, there really wasn't much posted that was particularly helpful for resolving the situation. So regardless of the reason, it wasn't the best time for OP to have posted.

Oh silly lass that is not what we are saying backing up parents is showing a unitied front the parents should obviously agree on this , I did say in my reply that they need to talk about it, this isnt about wifely duties dont be ridiculous

Well my post was sober obviously just rubbish advice she wasnt looking for advice shewanted us to say her husband was wrong

The thought process between small children and older children is totally different. As they get older less physical intervention is needed as they should Understand why they have been asked to do so something without an explanation being given.

Why some parents have to treat their children like mini adults is beyond me.

I teach small children - do I want to engage in a lengthy debate about why I don't want little jonny to do x,y,z? No! I just want him to do what I ask so we can get on with the pissing lesson.

I can always tell who the children are who are parented this way - they drain my lifeblood.....

KatieKaye, in the example I gave, the kid would kick three times for the mother, two times for the father. However, in reality, the situation is that, when the children have learned that their mother doesn't tell them what to do without reason and will follow through after due warning, the scenario is more likely to be:

Mother: "Don't kick the lady's chair, it's bad manners and annoying, and if you do it again we'll have to leave".
Peace and quiet.

Father: "Don't kick the lady's chair"
Child: "Why"
DH: "Because I said so"
More kicks, massive commotion whilst child is manhandled out of the room, gets hurt, screams, etc etc.

Then, you must think the OP's partner was unreasonable because he was the one doing the carrying!

Yes I do think he's being unreasonable for carrying her!

He should have stuck by his guns, despite being constantly undermined by the OP.

United parents would most likely have told her to sit there until she was miraculously able to walk again, or an ambulance was called.

I wouldn't mind betting that's what the OP's DP would have done if she wasn't pulling a cat's bum face about her being removed from the gate.

I work with young children and the children who are parented lik3emini adults I like that are the most challenging, and not in an interesting way either it is exhausting

I expect my child to listen to me because I am his mother and he needs to do as he's told

Good luck with that as your children get older. I expect my child to listen to me because he has respect for what I say, not because he has learnt blind unquestioning obedience and is worried that if he disobeys I will physically force him into doing what I want.

Why do you allow you'd DD to climb over the gate? Does it not open? Gates are for walking through not climbing on. What if it had bird shit on etc.

Blimey, TheMuppet, have you never been for a walk in the country before? Climbing gates is what you do. Sometimes they are padlocked to prevent vehicles coming through. Could you cope with a style, perhaps? What if it does have bird shit on it - the world won't come to an end. In any case, you have missed the point - the DD had been allowed to climb the gate before, presumably even by DP; it was just this time, he decided he wanted to open it. And it was the DP that picked up the DD to carry her home!

I do feel sorry for teachers, I really do.

I often hear parents saying their kids are badly behaved at home but are very well behaved in school.

I expect in a lot of cases, it's because they learn early doors that their teachers won't take the kind of shit that their parents do.

But of course they won't be in school forever.