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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

418 replies

NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:12

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

OP posts:
Luggagecarousel · 21/06/2014 23:42

Don't explain why every time, children just don't care or need it, just tell them! you are the boss.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/06/2014 23:42

I think yabu

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2014 23:43

Totp2 is on earth song has just made me laugh I just have visions of jarvis cocker baring his arse at the brits Grin

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2014 23:44

Oh for god sake wrong thread Blush

NatashaBee · 21/06/2014 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2014 23:46

She should be able to question/challenge inconsistency in my opinion, not be afraid to speak up for herself - so long as it's politely.

She needs to do as she's told and then question/challenge it afterwards.

Why do they only listen to you 95% of the time?

If she was doing something very dangerous and he couldn't grab her, he would obviously have to talk her down.

But to be honest, kids shouldn't need to hold a debate with the person who is supervising them before they actually do as they are told.

Action first - questions later.

That is what keeps them safe and stops their teachers having a breakdown

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:47

There is no 'deeply involved conversation.' We have 5 dc, none of whom I need to physically reprimand because they listen to me. If he'd said 'dd, please get down because there's stinging nettles and you could hurt yourself' for example, she would listen. My tone of voice with ds and the ball would've been enough. Theres no big discussion, they just know from experience they should listen to me or else there are consequences. No matter how many times he's physical with them and makes them cry they don't listen to him. I don't see how that's a better way, personally.

OP posts:
XiCi · 21/06/2014 23:47

The reasoning thing just doesn't work with small kids. You end up with situations like Worra described above. It obviously doesn't work with your kids either, despite your protestations, as your DH had already been ignored before he stepped in. Sorry but am with your DH on this one.

WooWooOwl · 21/06/2014 23:50

Mutual respect is a good thing, but so is parental authority.

Your children are children, not adults who are facing a demand for their chocolate. They need your guidance and as much as they need reasons as to why they should or shouldn't do things, they will be much more secure and confident if their boundaries are firmly defined. And because they are children, they won't always be able to fully understand why they can or can't do something, so they need to be able to trust your authority without thinking that everything is up for debate.

DeepThought · 21/06/2014 23:51

Why do they cry?

Annunziata · 21/06/2014 23:51

Oh stop being so precious! Parenting is a dictatorship because you are the adult and you are in charge. You said your DH asked first and she carried on, so she was stopped. She'll soon learn to follow orders and not be so disobedient and insolent.

Why did you even bother posting if you are so sure?

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:51

I disagree Worra. The dc are very well behaved at school and for me and will therefore only question something they believe is wrong. Like telling them not to do something they're usually allowed to. I'd rather them feel they have a voice than that they absolutely have to do what adults tell them. Hence the NSPCCs underwear rule and most guidelines on abuse where it says to teach children it's ok to say no to.things they're uncomfortable/unhappy with. Not allow it to happen and then question it in case they upset an adult.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/06/2014 23:53

No matter how many times he's physical with them and makes them cry they don't listen to him

Well he is their Dad and they should bloody listen to him. Just because he has a different parenting style to you, doesn't give the kids the right to ignore him.

My advice is that you accept your DH parents differently to you and show a united front. You both need to make sure there are stiff consequences for ignoring his instructions.

Teachers have different teaching and supervising styles, does that mean they should pick and choose who they listen to?

I think you'll find they'll be in a lot of trouble if they go down that route.

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:55

Annunziata if dp said he didn't want me to wear make-up whereas previously he'd been fine with it, yet I continued to apply it - would I be insolent and therefore he'd be justified in physically stopping me because I didn't 'follow orders'?

OP posts:
Sidthesausage · 21/06/2014 23:55

You sound like you give too many warnings, too much leeway. With mine I ask them to do something (outlining anything that needs to be said) and if they don't do what I've asked, I count to three and then they are sent to their room/timeout. Can your DH start counting?

DeepThought · 21/06/2014 23:55

Straw man argument dorry

RabbitSaysWoof · 21/06/2014 23:56

I really dont think its anything like child abuse to be asked to stop doing something which is against the parents rules.

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:56

But if my way of parenting consistently didn't work over 8 years, I'd re-think it rather than continue.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/06/2014 23:56

Oh dear God, you're bringing child abuse and NSPCC guidelines into this?

Seriously, you are coming across as quite precious and 'I'm a wonderful parent, I wish my DH was the same'.

Different styles that's all...and to be honest despite what you've said, I do think if the kids pick up on your attitude, it won't be long before there is fireworks at school regarding the teaching staff.

DeepThought · 21/06/2014 23:56

*sorry

And why do the children cry? You indicated this in a more recent post

Annunziata · 21/06/2014 23:57

You are an adult. Your child is not.

RabbitSaysWoof · 21/06/2014 23:59

But you and your dp are equals.
Children are not equals they do not have the same say, they dont have the life experience for it to be appropriate for then to negotiate the boundaries.

CaptChaos · 21/06/2014 23:59

YANBU.

As long as your children know there will be consequences to your asking them not to do things, then you are doing the right thing. It's when parents don't follow through that talking becomes pointless.

Teaching children to 'listen to me, because if you don't then I will physically restrain you/there will be physical consequences' is probably not a good thing to do.

Sidthesausage · 21/06/2014 23:59

Mine still voice opinions and we discuss things a lot but if I ask them to get down from a gate because its dangerous, I'd fully expect them to do as I've asked.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/06/2014 23:59

TBH, I'm wondering if the reason they don't do as he asks/tells them is because you are standing there radiating disapproval and the DC picking up on that.