to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

I think we all need to take parenting lessons from the op who is obviously a perfect parent who can make any child listen to her after hours of reasoning and explaining every little thing

Oh god you're one of those parents I'm with your DH on this.

Good morning. Sooo, why aibu?
Your partner needs to be consistent. You need to back him up. Then you need a discussion with him about your perfect parenting different styles of discipline.

The main problem for your DCs is that they have parents who do not pull together and are giving very mixed messages. OP has no respect for her DP's methods and I am guessing that he has none for hers. The DCs will be able to play one off against the other.
I am surprised that they have been doing it long enough to have 5 children without sorting it out.
They need to sit down and discuss it, without the children, and compromise somewhere in the middle of the two approaches - and above all be consistent.

And it needs to be a discussion and not 'I am right and you must change'.

Did your DP have dogs? Sounds as though he is treating his children like they are animals that should obey.

However, regarding the fence climbing he has a point, fences break if people climb on them. I would have said to dcs to listed to their father on that occasion. But even if you don't agree with him sometimes you just need to back him up so they learn to respect him.

The nettles thing is interesting because most 8 year olds wouldn't go near nettles, I'd DP over protective?

I think you need to consider his motives and challenge him. I used to pull mine up for snapping at dcs, but would then demonstrate an alternative way of dealing with it.

Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request.

Good. I don't bother with second requests and find they learn much faster.

They've learned they don't have to respect a request from a parent unless they are given an explanation - I'm all for explaining things but I expect my children to do something when I ask simply because I've asked.

I don't mind if that's seen as a dictatorship

Cut your husband some slack. I think it's possible you undermine him within earshot of the children and that's more than likely the reason they don't take him seriously.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with how either of you go about things (although personally I lean more towards your husband's approach) it's that there is no consistency for them.

Perhaps deciding to "home ed" your dd and share the "teaching" might not be the best idea? Even though you are both "highly qualified".

What consequences are there if they persistently disobey you op?
Your DH might be a bit hands on, but at least he seems to understand that he is a parent, which means sometimes enforcing a rule or request. There doesn't always need to be a long winded debate or explanation for what you tell a child to do. You are there to set boundaries, not just be a pal.
Your biggest issue is how you clearly undermine your husbands method, and the children have picked up on this and have an oscar winning tantrum after he intervenes so you can Molly coddle them some more. Divide and conquer. I seriously doubt he hurts them, they are just incensed that they can't pull one over on him like they constantly do with mum perhaps
You need to learn to work together and support each other's decisions in front of your DC.

This thread is a classic example of loads of people deciding to go with the herd and then blaming OP for daring not to agree.

I suspect OP would have no issue with pulling children out of the way if they are in danger, but she's right in saying it's better that they know not to get in danger in the first place. I also suspect that a lot of the people disagreeing with her do themselves go with the policy of explaining rather than using physical removal much of the time.

If a parent goes with physical removal every time, the child learns only that she can do anything unless and until physically prevented from doing so: therefore she never learns to make the decision for herself.

Well this is fascinating because I could have written the OP and when I read it I fully expected a lot of condemnation of the dh.

it's hard when they askwhy iit's ok for daddy to hurt them if they don't listen but not ok for them.to hurt others who don't listen.

I'm sure they do say that.
I'm sure thats word for word what comes out of their mouths.

Agree with pp your children sound manipulative, ignoring requests then turning into cry babies who have lost the ability to walk when they meet an adult who follows through.

I can't work out why you think your way is so great and works so well when your children still consistently disobey and refuse to do as they are told.
Many things in life are not up for negotiation and you are setting them on a road to failure if a simple request to "stop" always has to be backed up by a reason/explanation before it is complied with.
You are undermining your DH in a very public way and that is counter-productive, showing your children that they can do as they want, because then mummy will get pissed off with daddy and they get loads of sympathy for refusing to do as they are told.
It also sounds as if you give your DC more respect and consideration than you do to your DH, which is mad. they are not equal players here - you are the adults and they are the children. You're supposed to be preparing them for general life, not for a debating competition.

it's hard when they askwhy iit's ok for daddy to hurt them if they don't listen but not ok for them.to hurt others who don't listen.

I'm sure they do say that.
I'm sure thats word for word what a child would ask and not you making something up to prove yourself right.

Agree with pp your children sound manipulative, ignoring adults, then turning into cry babies who have lost the ability to walk when they meet someone who actually follows through.

Haha page crashed, re typed then original had gone on after all!!!

Icmoi
I think most of us are capable of independent thought. Going with the herd? I am not afraid to put my head above the parapet and go against the grain if I thought she was reasonable I would say. As it happens I think she is being very unreasonable.

'so why's it ok for him to push us but not for us to push others?

I'm not sure which incident this refers to, but in general, he's allowed to behave differently towards them he's their father and therefore the boss of them. They are not the boss of anyone.

Actually Icimoi if you rtft I think it's a classic example of OP misrepresenting her meaning. It took 2 pages for her to admit she in fact did/does use physical removal instead of pronouncing tgemyth her children are so obedient it takes 1 word and they listen.

She has done the groundwork of "tell, warn, remove" and that's why they now listen and the actual problem is DH skips the first two steps.

Whole different scenario to the original post.

Nerd, I agree.

Daddy isn't hurting them, just manoeuvring them physically. He needs to learn another way but it's probably a bit late now. It will have to change when they are big burly teenagers though.

As a teacher it may surprise you I'd be more like your dh.
Unknown gate whilst walking, I don't know your dd's climbing skills nor if a bar is rotten. On balance I'd remove a six year old in those circumstances who didn't listen promptly. Itd be my neck on the line if she fell into a cowpat on the other side/ a bar snapped and she cut hemself. In fact I'd bet even for a tiny splinter a precious parent would be raging at me in front of the class afterwards. That's part the reason that your child needs to learn to listen even someone is not perfect mummy. Its a road to madness that ends up with frequent times in school maintaining everybody lies aside from your dc.

RabbitSaysWoof
it's hard when they askwhy iit's ok for daddy to hurt them if they don't listen but not ok for them.to hurt others who don't listen.

I'm sure they do say that.
I'm sure thats word for word what a child would ask and not you making something up to prove yourself right.

Agree with pp your children sound manipulative, ignoring adults, then turning into cry babies who have lost the ability to walk when they meet someone who actually follows through.

Agree completely with all of this.

Also amazed that OP would have FIVE children with DP before considering their parenting styles were different.

Sorry OP but you sound like the kind of parent that has ruined many a meal out for me with your kids acting like shits and you doing the whole loud parenting/explanation crap while everyone around you is thinking "FFS just tell the child to shut up and sit down or you'll take them home AND STOP RUINING EVERYONE ELSE'S TIME while you demonstrate what a bloody great parent you are not "

Sorry if I have misjudged you but that is how your posts come across.

I feel for your dp

softly I think even that is a generous interpretation of the OP's posts. According to her original examples, her DH does tell the kids "No", and only then physically restrains them after they ignore him. So the only missing step is that he doesn't spend 15 minutes bargaining with them to get them to do as he asks, unlike the OP.

And OP, as the statement that you'd warn them beforehand about eg a hot radiator and they'd all obey you without question, I call utter bullshit. Seriously, on what 1 year old would that work?

You have been asked this a few times op but have chosen to ignore so I am going to ask again as I'm really interested in the answer.

Do you tell your DC to listen to their Dad? do you support your Husband in front of your DC?