to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

"They listen to me and any other adult, but not him. Yet the problem is with them?"
Based purely on your posts, I would say the problem is with YOU. You dislike your partner's parenting style and you have (non-verbally) communicated that dislike to your children. Do you seriously think that they were not going to pick up on that and respond to it?

softly I'd say 'stop, there's a road.' and they'd listen. He'd shout 'stop now' and they might not listen because he tells them to stop all the time to pull their trousers up/wipe their nose/do their shoelaces up etc. He'd then chase them and grab them rather than just being clear in the first place. If I asked one of them to stop and they didn't listen they'd be restricted to walking holding my hand for the foreseeable future. If one didn't listen to.dp he'd physically stop them that time but there'd be no incentive (I.e the freedom of walking without holding hands) to listen next time.

I don't think you're soft, but I do think you sound like you have very little respect for your husband.

I have lots of close friends with children and without, and my children therefore get told by lots of different people, in different ways - and they listen to all of them as they are secure in knowing that the adults around them don't tell them to do things for stupid reasons.

DS1 is nearly 14, so obviously is handled differently to DS2 who is nearly 2.

But, for example, tonight my friend, whose house we were at, said "No!" sharply to DS2 who was about to put his hand in nettles to get a ball - he stopped and THEN she said "It would sting you and it would hurt".

I told her son "No - please don't snatch and push" to her son aged 7, and then explained that DS2 was only little and why it was not kind.

Another friend told my DS2 a while ago "No! You do not bite me!" and then told him why.

DS1 doesn't need to be told things like this anymore as he is a teenager and has learnt appropriate behaviour from the adults around him. although he is sometimes stroppy and slams doors

Seems to work for all of us and not dissimilar to your husband's method?

I haven't non-verbally communicated anything. I'm clear that using physical force to get your way isn't acceptable therefore they see it as hypocritical that dp does just that.

OP, why did you post on AIBU when you are so very very sure that you are not? Why?

Children who understand hypocrisy.

Well done OP.

Well you have unbelievably biddable toddlers

DD1 now 4 would stop if I said stop but at 2? 3? Not a chance so I would physically stop her. My now 2 year old would not listen I have to physically stop her to keep her safe eventually she will be like the 4 year old hopefully.

So how did you get there? Because you are contradictory.

You say "stop there is nettles" and if they don't stop then they hirt themselves and learn to listen.

Then you say "I can't say you hurt yourself because you didn't listen to daddy" its the same message.

Then you say if they don't listen you hold their hand. Byt that's forcing them to hold your hand. Its a physical act?!

Do you back up your husband?

Do you tell the children to do as they're told and listen to their dad?

My children love a good debate, but not about instructions that have been issued to them.

I have a 3 step rule with mine:

1. I ask
2. I tell
3. Consequences

Me and my husband back each other up (unless it's one of the rare occasions that the other one is being ridiculously ott).

I think maybe you need to talk to your DP about how you work with the children as you seem very unhappy with how he does things and critical of him - your way or the high way?

I accept that other people may do things differently to me, but as long as they have my children's interests at heart and are not doing anything I think is awful or abusive, I think all interest is great.

I would not accept someone slapping my child, or swearing at them for example. But different and still loving - fine.

Zzzz but a little leeway with dc is necessary. Ds not listening about letting dd get the ball in the course of aneexcitable game is understandable and doesn't warrant wrestling to the ground and thereby spoiling the game as ds is upset in my opinion. Taking ten seconds to tell ds it's kind to share and letting him make the right choice for himself would be much more effective both initially and long-term

You just don't get it do you. You are constantly undermining your DH, your children are aware of this and consequently this causes the situations that you are complaining about.

See I don't actually agree that physical force is never acceptable. Assault is not acceptable but in some circumstances I'm fine with physical intervention. For example, as an adult I could commit a crime and the police could try to arrest me. They wouldn't just ask me nicely to allow them to arrest me - if I didn't comply immediately they would restrain me, which is fair enough really. So for children to understand that sometimes another person is justified in physically restraining them is no big deal to me.

No softly I didn't say 'i can't say you hurt yourself because you didn't listen to daddy' I said 'i can't say it's ok for daddy to hurt you because you didn't listen.' There's a big difference.

that post wasn't clear, it sounded like I was saying assault isn't acceptable unless you are restraining someone when actually what it should have explained was that I see a difference between assault/bullying and lesser physical intervention.

So when they were little you never honestly physically did anything? You never put them in their room, moved their hand from a hot radiator, picked them up and carried them if they decided they weren't moving, kept them away from the road edge, took a toy away?

Your word has been law since day dot with 5 children? I call billy bullshit.

OR

You've done all that so now They listen and your actual issue is that DH doesn't give them a chance/explain himself first.

All I know XiCi is that when it is just the dc and I they are well behaved, do as they're asked and there's no upset. But when he is there it's a completely different story.

With 5 dc it's important that they listen. What if two ran in opposite directions - dps method of chasing them wouldn't work would it?

Agree with treaclesoda - I, my partner and our close circle have all in the past picked up, removed each other's children from dangerous situations/undesirable behaviour and insisted on holding hands for example. I believe this is why DS1 is biddable and pleasant and DS2 is learning. Because they know that their adults ALL have their best interests at heart and are secure in that.

DS had a very embarrassing bitey stage. We all worked together to try and make it better and I was not in the least bit offended or worried when our close adults and DS1 helped to stop it.

Why would you even think of saying that?

You would say "you wouldn't have been hurt if you'd listened to dad when he told you to stop".

This goes for running into nettle, getting a splinter off a gate, or running into a road.

Stop undermining and start being a team.