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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

418 replies

NeeNawNora · 21/06/2014 23:12

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 23:59

Are you the type of parent that takes an hour to do a ten minute walk because your child 'won't' sit in the pushchair?
Yabvu.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 00:00

But if my way of parenting consistently didn't work over 8 years, I'd re-think it rather than continue.

His way of parenting does work.

The kids think they they can shove two fingers up at whoever is supervising them because they haven't entered into a debate.

He shows them this is not the case.

What I'd like to know is why they think they only have to listen to you?

You think it's because your parenting style is better...but it's quite possible that they've picked up on the fact you think their Dad is a bit of a crap parent for being different.

LayMeDown · 22/06/2014 00:02

I admire and envy you OP. You obviously have vast amounts of patience. I aim for your level of parenting but sometimes the only thing that works is your DHs methods. I don't think this makes me a bad parent but I am imperfect.

LayMeDown · 22/06/2014 00:03

I realise that my post reads as sarcastic but it genuinely isn't.

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 22/06/2014 00:03

He didn't say it was dangerous sid, he just said get down now, despite it being a gate she climbs most days.

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 22/06/2014 00:04

Does anyone else think the 95% of the time goes like this:

"Get off the gate DD"

Ignore

"Get off the gate DD it's not safe"

"But I can do it and I'm nearly done"

"Oh ok then DD"

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 22/06/2014 00:06

Is he their father?

zzzzz · 22/06/2014 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/06/2014 00:11

That crossed my mind softly

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 00:12

I have to say it crossed my mind too.

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 22/06/2014 00:12

It doesn't work at all Worra. He removed her from the gate and she cried and said he'd hurt her leg so she couldn't walk any further. He then ended up bloody carrying her (because he acts first then doesn't follow through on anything) over a mile home, cutting the walk short for the rest of us. If it'd been me asking her she'd have got down and we'd have walked through the gate.

They cry (sorry, can't remember who asked) because they're used to being asked reasonably to do things by me and school staff. When someone instead is physicalwith them iit's upsetting and he probably does hurt them (albeit unintentionally) on occasion. They don't understand why it's ok for dad to physically remove something he wants from one of them, but not ok for one of them to physically remove something theywant from one of the other dc. Parents should model desirable behaviour IMO - I.e. By asking 'please may I have X' rather than demanding 'give me X now' then snatching it if their demand isn't complied with.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 22/06/2014 00:13

You remind me of my neighbour who does this bizarre counting down from 5 to 1 on her fingers before consequence will apply.

scotchtikidoll · 22/06/2014 00:13

I am on the fence here- I dislike it when parents are authoritarian and say things like 'Because I said so,' butI equally dislike parents who call their kids back repeatedly and half-assed whilst their arses remain in their chair, and their kids nearly fucking straight into me or a table.

Original poster
NeeNawNora · 22/06/2014 00:13

They listen to me and any other adult, but not him. Yet the problem is with them? Confused

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 22/06/2014 00:14

So how long have you had such differing parenting techniques?

scotchtikidoll · 22/06/2014 00:14

That should read 'run into me.' This phone needs to go in the bin.

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 22/06/2014 00:16

Maybe they should learn to do what they are told first time.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2014 00:16

It doesn't work at all Worra. He removed her from the gate and she cried and said he'd hurt her leg so she couldn't walk any further.

Bless

She really couldn't walk any further? Hmm

Perhaps you should have called her bluff and carried her to hospital? Or told her to sit on the ground until she made a miraculous recovery?

I'm out of this thread because you clearly can't see how your kids are running rings around you.

I would take your DH's parenting style any day, if I had kids who didn't do as they were told by whoever was trusted to supervise them and keep them safe.

I have no clue why you're asking if you're BU as you clearly think you're not.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2014 00:16

Nora, you are on AIBU. Lots of us here have basically said YABU. Does this give you ANY pause for thought?

scotchtikidoll · 22/06/2014 00:17

NeeNawNora what exactly do you want from this thread? Are we supposed to be saying something different?

zzzzz · 22/06/2014 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LayMeDown · 22/06/2014 00:17

I think your kids should do as they are asked by their father. I don't think it should be tolerated that they choose the requests they comply with based on the tone it is asked in.
Myself and H have different styles but we back each other up. Neither of us would tolerate a situation where the children did not listen to one parent.

LayMeDown · 22/06/2014 00:18

Why do you not back up your H OP?

Frogisatwat · 22/06/2014 00:18

You are in aibu. The majority think you are BU. So why did you post here if you are so convinced you are right?

Frogisatwat · 22/06/2014 00:19

X post whereyouleftit!