to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

I teach small children - do I want to engage in a lengthy debate about why I don't want little jonny to do x,y,z? No! I just want him to do what I ask so we can get on with the pissing lesson.

But that's what OP has achieved, if you read the thread. The children obey her because they know she means what she says and has good reason for saying it. When her DP issues an order which contradicts previous practice (as with the gate climbing thing) and then physically pulls the child away, it's just a total mess in parenting terms. You wouldn't do that with the children you teach, so why is it right for parents to do it?

I wouldn't mind betting that's what the OP's DP would have done if she wasn't pulling a cat's bum face about her being removed from the gate.

Maybe it was, perhaps she will come back and say. Or maybe he just responded in this way as impulsively as he behaved in pulling her off the gate in the first place.

Scarlett so how do I answer when I've said to dc 'dad wouldn't have pushed you over if you'd minded out the way when he'd asked you to' and they say 'so why's it ok for him to push us but not for us to push others

He didn't push him over - he knocked him over by accident Trying to stop him going in the fucking nettles- in which he must have already been pretty close!

I think it's strange that your encouraging your dc to think that their father is purposely harming them.

you think its ok to climb over peoples gates Cecily? its not, if it can be opened, you open it!

That's me told; though at my age trying to open it would definitely be my first course of action.

Ceceily I live right next to a country park I take my DS there daily we walk through the gate because it's not a climbing frame it's a gate.

She said she's always let her DD climb over the gate not her DH so from what i got is her DH normally doesn't which is going to cause nothing but issues.

I was your DC my mum was like you and my dad was like your DH good luck with the teenage years.

You need to tell your DC to that their father didn't push them over, if your DS had stopped when he was asked instead of thinking that because your DH didn't provide a lengthy explanation as to why they should of just listened to their father they wouldn't of FALLEN over and got stung.

N

Icimol I absolutely have restrained /physically stopped small children from doing harmful things.

I teach swimming and their have been many times when I've had to grab an elbow or hand when young children behave dangerously. I can spot when a three year old is going to make a dash to the pool or when a child is going to jump in on top of some one. I will pull them back.

I have read the thread by the way.

Oh, lord, Softly, you're just going round in circles: are you sure you've read the thread? As I've already pointed out more than once, no-one has any issue with physical action being taken in emergencies. However, telling a child not to climb over a gate she's climbed over many times before, or telling another child to let his sister have a toy, is not an emergency.

But Worra I don't think this is really a debate about permissive parenting versus no-nonsense parenting.
Regardless of OP's back story, and aside from the undermining one another (which they both are and shouldn't be) the point is whether a child should be physically moved around all the time after the toddler stage.
Me wrestling the remote off ds when he won't switch off the telly when I have asked him once is not necessarily going to create a well-behaved child. It will just escalates nothing into something. Just because you don't ant to engage in physical combat with your kids doesn't mean they are going to be over entitled and argumentative all the time. There is a middle ground.

They both at the end of the day need to find a middle ground. At the moment they are fighting against each other aswell as against the children.

You are right twinkle by the litte I have read it sounds chaotic and bloody dramatic, why did daddy push me oh I dont know darling sound s exhausting day in day out,

She said she's always let her DD climb over the gate not her DH so from what i got is her DH normally doesn't which is going to cause nothing but issues.

No, she didn't say that. She said that her DH had let the child climb the gate before. Having decided she shouldn't on this occasion, he should have taken a few seconds to explain why.

I know it is bad form and I apologise but Op has made 5 aibus in 5 days, each thread to me seems to want to provoke a reaction, it seems she has hit the nail on the head with this one.

Just saying

But, cats, what the thread has produced is a fairly typical MN pattern. OP posts, a few people pile in fairly aggressively against her, obedient crowd follows, OP comes back to explain herself more, aggressive Mumsnetters complain that OP isn't agreeing with them and obedient crowd. Time passes/morning dawns, a few people start saying OP is right, tide of opinion turns, thread becomes generally supportive of OP.

None of that is in any way unique to this OP.

Well I'm not going to agree with OP she sounds exhausting to parent with

Another one not agreeing.

OP not only sounds exhausting, her parenting methods don't seem to work because her children still don't do what they are told, when they are told. Not everything has to be up for debate all the time, and an 8 year old should not have to be persuaded to do what she is told.

But they do do what OP tells them. It's her DH that has the problem, because he's inconsistent and because he demands instant obedience without bothering to explain.

Icimoi If you read ops other threads you will see they only have one child together who is 18 months old! It is not up to op to try and make her dp parent HIS children the way she see's fit. That is up to her dp and their mother. And I say this as a step mother.

I was initially hesitant about posting on this thread because I don't have any children, but I'm going to because I'm quite opinionated and I grew up in a large family with two different styles of parenting.

Why on earth are you entering into discussions with your children about your DH's style of parenting? Why aren't you telling them that if their father tells them to stop running/climbing etc, then they should stop running/climbing etc? If I was in his shoes, I'd be pulling my hair out at your style of parenting and your absolute lack of support.

It sounds like the reason they ignore him is because you've taught them that their standards of behaviour are up for debate and that you'll support them over him. Good luck with that in ten years time!

I don't think Nora will be back.

I am not agreeing with her

I don't think Nora will be back.

^ this