to dislike being physical with dc and to think words should be enough?

[NeeNawNora]

I am the stricter of the two of us yet am becoming increasingly frustrated with dp having to be physical in some way with our dc in order to get them to do as he's asked. I don't mean smacking or hurting them but restraining or physically removing things. I don't think this is acceptable as ultimately he's using his strength to overpower them and get his way but still has no control.

For example, dd was climbing on a gate today. He told her to get down, she said it's ok I'm nearly over. He said 'no, get down now' and she continued climbing over. He put an arm round her waist and used the other hand to peel her fingers off before dumping her down and her complaining she could of done it/he's hurt her leg/she's got a splinter etc. I didn't see the need for her to get off (he was impatient to open it to go through) because I like the dc being able to climb and explore when appropriate, but if I had wanted her to I'd have said 'dd, please get down because [insert reason]' and she would mostly likely have listened. If she hadn't I'd have reminded her that there are consequences for not listening and she definitely would've listened.

Similarly tonight, younger dd and ds were racing to get a ball and ds got it first the first time so dp told him to let dd get it first next time. Ds still got it first and dp wrestled it off him rather than just repeat his request. I would've reiterated what I'd asked and then if he still didn't listen I'd have given ds a warning that if he still didn't listen and play/share nicely then he wouldn't be able to play at all.

I just think all the physicality is heavy handed and shows a lack of patience and control. Dp thinks I'm too soft but ultimately the dc listen to me and not him and my way causes less upset. Aibu to think being physical is unnecessary or am I being too soft?

I've only read the first three pages so don't know if I'm a lone voice in supporting the OP. The dad sounds controlling and heavy-handed to me - there was no need for the DD to get down from the gate, and no need for the DS to let DD have the ball next time. On the gate issue, why not just let her finish climbing over, if she was enjoying herself? How frustrating for her to have that interrupted. On the second, for god's sake, why do parents feel the need to intervene in their kids' games? Just let them get on with it.

Obviously if they were in danger, then fine to physically left them out of the way, but I can't stand parents who have to wade in and destroy their kids' fun.

ici her parenting methods aren't working because you should not have to explain to a child why you want him to stop running down a path. Because that is futile - by the time you've got about six words out of your mouth, the child will be out of earshot. Whereas "stop!" will work. Even if they did work, it means the DC only do what they are told when asked in a certain way.

Likewise with kicking the back of the chair. No explanation is needed for an 8 year old because they jolly well know it is annoying and unacceptable behaviour - all the parent should have to do is remind them with a "don't do that". Bringing all this reasoning and explaining into blindingly obvious situations means the child is allowed to go on for much longer than if the parent acted proactively.

She will be back, just on yet another thread bemoaning her partners unruly children/parenting style/how her own child is an example of great parenting - the same as before in fact.

Im confused whos children's are whos now

Really hackmum?

I mean next time my DS wants to run into the road I won't bother interrupting his fun. Her DS was told to share he refused but that's fine because ops made it clear that they don't have to listen to him and why should they get involved with there kids taking that stances they're either going to kill themselves or be selfish adults

It's not just her DH's problem it's the ops as well.

Icimoi If you read ops other threads you will see they only have one child together who is 18 months old! It is not up to op to try and make her dp parent HIS children the way she see's fit.

But she's not saying that, she's just saying she dislikes the physical approach, and she's pointing out that non-physical methods (which I suspect, in reality, are the ones used by most mumsnetters) work. What's wrong with that?

D'oh!I should have done an AS on the OP

I forgot she's the one who tries so hard to start controversial threads

Oh well...

Mrsjayy

A quote from another thread to help explain.

'My dsc are 7 and 8. I have a 7 yr old and we also have an 18 month old as well as being pregnant'

This is from the thread explaining how her dsc were pretty much out of control and her dd was perfect.

She's mentioned a lot of things on other threads that simply don't add up though.

In some instances an adult needs to step In and just stop a situation the examples given gate ball and nettles imo needed interventions the little girl was pissed off At being told know the little boy howled dad pushed himand hurt him and the ball sharing got ott its ridiculous

I suspect Nora has a couple of nn's, her writing style , the pregnancy, her dd ,the awkward ex and dsc are familiar with someone of another nn.

Oh ok I didn't see other threads

I would rather lift a child off a gate than have them fall off.

Do you count holding hands as being physical, too, NeeNawNora?

Well she's started the same thread in about 3 different NNs so far SanDiego

I mean the threads about her DD being overweight, despite doing more weekly exercise than a triathlete...and it's her ex's fault because he feeds her too much during contact weekends, which are only once a month or once a fortnight depending on which thread you read.

Why on earth are you entering into discussions with your children about your DH's style of parenting? Why aren't you telling them that if their father tells them to stop running/climbing etc, then they should stop running/climbing etc?

But, if you RTFT, that's exactly what she is saying. She's expressly said that, with the children she backs up her DP. She's pointed out, for instance, that with the nettles issue none of it would have happened if they children had kept out of the way when he asked them. She's simply expressing some frustration on here that his methods don't work and he puts her into a difficult position.

AS *worra" said there are big inconsistencies in other threads. In one XH gives DD 7-8 meals per fortnight, in another he can't be bothered to see her more than once a month.

Icimoi please catch up with what is going on.

ici her parenting methods aren't working because you should not have to explain to a child why you want him to stop running down a path. Because that is futile - by the time you've got about six words out of your mouth, the child will be out of earshot. Whereas "stop!" will work.

OP has pointed out that in practice her methods work whereas her DH's don't.

How many times do I have to point out that no-one contests the principle that it's fine to shout, not to explain, even use physical methods in an urgent situation? But the point is that if, as a general rule, your children know that there is reason behind what you tell them to do, they will obey much more readily than if you are inconsistent, never seek to explain yourself, and use physical force? In the running down the path example, I'd expect the children to obey OP when she calls "Stop" because they know she means what she says and has a reason for it. Whereas, with her DH, because he will let them do something one day and change his mind the next without explaining, experience demonstrates that they won't stop when he tells them to and will only do so if he runs after them and stops them physically.

Her DS was told to share he refused but that's fine because ops made it clear that they don't have to listen to him

Come on, now, she hasn't said that. It's getting a bit ridiculous when she's being beaten up for something that is totally fictional.

Icimoi You still haven't caught up then?