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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this sexist shit - or am I a selfish working mother?

111 replies

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 12:59

Really interested in views here. I suspect I am completely in the wrong - and this morning have been doing everything to placate angry DH - and wouldn't mind your collective view on whether I ABU or DH is.
Have been away for a week with work. Face timed the kids at 5.30 each night before DH was home, but so they could get on with homework and bedtime etc. I didn't call DH separately as was out with colleagues in the evenings - at conference during the day. It is a bit of a mad week - plus very glitzy and boozy - on yachts, fancy restaurants etc. in south of France. TbH - I knew if I did speak to DH - he would just be grumpy about me being there - while he was 'stressed out' doing everything at home - even though I arranged for nanny to cook for him every night. But I certainly haven't helped by not calling. I am now 'back' and doing all the things a weekend brings: taxiing kids everywhere, cooking dinner, getting school clothes ready for next week etc. while grump DH has parked himself in front of rugby and watering the garden. I can't help feeling if I was a man who had been away for a week - I would now not be 'paying for it'. I know am in the wrong for not calling him separately but does anyone else find it is a different rule for working mothers?

OP posts:

melissa83 · 21/06/2014 13:03

Dh does all the home stuff if Im working and hes not and rightly so Im not doing it I have been out at work all day.

Chachah · 21/06/2014 13:07

YANBU.

Yes you should have made an effort to call your dh, but you're also right about the double standard. If a man is away for work for a week, that's "normal", and no one would give a second thought about the mother having to do all the houswork/chilcare/cooking/etc while he was away.

As long as house work is otherwise usually not unbalanced against him (sounds unlikely from what you say), he needs to suck it up.

Annarose2014 · 21/06/2014 13:09

Wait....I'm unclear....did you not phone your DH at all the whole week?

Just contacted the kids?

edamsavestheday · 21/06/2014 13:10

If he went away for a week-long conference, would you be justified in sulking and grumpiness? I suspect he'd be pissed off if you were. But I do think you should have called him - I'd be pissed of if dh ignored me for a week.

When I go away with work, I call and speak to dh and ds.

Lostinasupermarket · 21/06/2014 13:12

If my partner went away with work for the week (and he does) and never contacted me (unless he was in deepest darkest Peru with no access to a phone or the internet) whilst I was at home looking after our children - I would be so hurt and furious that me being in a 'grump' would be the least of his worries.

I can assure you Chachah that my partner and I, give much thought to the extra work created for me when he is away. As do the partners of anyone I know when they go away for work.

WipsGlitter · 21/06/2014 13:13

Are you "paying" for being away or not phoning?

KnackeredMuchly · 21/06/2014 13:13

Yabu! I would rage for weeks if my husband treated me like that. Finding half an hour in ypur evening is not hard.

Yab completly u.

WooWooOwl · 21/06/2014 13:14

This has nothing to do with the fact that you're a working mother instead of a working father.

It's because your DH is an arse, or because he's sulking that you didn't call him and he's choosing a spectacularly crap way of making his point. But women are just as capable of sulking at their husbands and of trying to draw attention to their displeasure without actually having a conversation that could resolve it.

Anyway, as you've been off having what sounds like a lovely time with your job, surely it's really not that much to ask that the one who's stayed at home doing the boring day to day stuff alone gets the chance to do what they want at the weekend?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/06/2014 13:14

Tbh theres many a thread on here where the woman has said "dh away all week, ive done everything with the kids, am shattered" and the advice is - take a step back when he comes home, get him to be hands on for a few days or, even more likely, "book yourself into a Hotel!"

(1) you should have tried to speak to him at least once or twice while away
(2) you had essentially a jolly. He hasnt. Itd be nice for him to get a bit of a break.

And its not sexist as if you were the dh (away) and saying this about your wife (at home) youd get the same advice.

IsItMeOr · 21/06/2014 13:14

If you didn't speak to him once all week, then I'm not really surprised you're getting the cold shoulder treatment.

You know you're going to have to ask him what he's fed up about, don't you?

MissDuke · 21/06/2014 13:14

I would be pretty upset if dh went away for a week and didn't call me at all! I would defo be in a grump all weekend tbh.

Guitargirl · 21/06/2014 13:16

He is being unreasonsable to get in such a strop with you about having what sounds like a glamorous week away. But I don't think it's unreasonable that he spends a day watching the rugby, I don't see it as you being 'made to pay' for anything. Do you perhaps feel a bit miffed at being back to family life?

Purpleroxy · 21/06/2014 13:16

It's not about working mothers, it's about your household. I imagine that if you generally have chores split evenly, it would be stressful and tiring for one person to take it all on for the week. But perhaps he's more grumpy about the lack of communication between you and him. Did you text? You can text from the bog, even at posh functions!

MrsKCastle · 21/06/2014 13:18

When DH is away all work, I expect him to get stuck straight in with the housework and kids etc when he returns. In fact he would do so automatically, knowing that it's harder to keep on top of things with one adult at home than it is with two.

In the same way, if he had been away on a boozy, glitzy week (fat chance, but if!) then he would make sure I got a rest and some me-time when he got back. He would also call, or at least message me once he got in to hid hotel and let me know how he was doing.

So I think you are wrong to see this as necessarily a sexism issue.

However, it does depend on his general attitude and behavior. If he's been huffing and puffing about having to look after his own kids, or resentful of your trip, that changes things.

CatsCantTwerk · 21/06/2014 13:22

I would be extremely upset if my dp was working away all week and made the effort to call the dc everyday but only when I was not there. YABU.

PunchHouse · 21/06/2014 13:23

I agree that him sulking because he's had a week of doing what you normally do is unreasonable.

But not calling him for a week because you were busy living it up every evening is pretty poor and if I was him I'd be steaming too.

Have you talked to him?

Singlesuzie · 21/06/2014 13:24

You went away for a week and didnt call him and think its because he is sexist that he is pissed off? Really?

Also, he has being doing everything all week while you were away, i think he deserves to sit down and chill infront of the tv for a bit now youre back!

wheresthelight · 21/06/2014 13:24

I think his "grump" is less to with you having been away amd more to do with your disgusting attitude towards him. You did not bother to call him once because you were living it up on yachts?! And you have the nerve to be pissed off that he now isn't talking to you? Taste of your own medicine perhaps??

You are not unreasonable to expect a bit of support around the house but if you can't be bothered to talk to him for a whole week I can fully understand why he can't be bothered to talk to you now

Preciousbane · 21/06/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caruthers · 21/06/2014 13:26

You've got more problems that you are thinking if you didn't phone your husband once whilst you were out eating fine food on yachts.

You really mustn't like him very much.

BackforGood · 21/06/2014 13:26

When dh is away, I don't expect him to call me.
Certainly wouldn't be stropping about it.
I'd e-mail him if there was something I needed.

Rivercam · 21/06/2014 13:31

What is he cross at - you being away? Doing the housework? Not phoning?

He shouldn't be cross at you being away, that's part of life. People have to go away for work all the time.

Not phoning - I would be annoyed if dh didn't't make any effort to phone me when he goes away, even if it's a 5 minute 'how are you and the kids?'. I'm sure you weren't busy all the time. If the evenings are n't convenient, then what about the morning? It doesn't take long to pick up the phone and touch base.

Housework - maybe dh didn't feel appreciated. I know us woman do it without getting any recognition 99% of the time! but men like to feel rewarded for doing the most basic of housework.

However, he does sound like he is having a major schoolboy sulk.

sausageeggbacon11 · 21/06/2014 13:33

If I go away with work, which is rare, DH will probably disappear for a few hours when everything settles down. Our kids are old enough that it is not a major issue looking after them but more to do with keeping the home clean and tidy. Certainly is he has gone away for a weekend he gets to do stuff when he gets back while I catch up on my books.

Don't see if as sexist unless you missed something.

mimishimmi · 21/06/2014 13:41

Hmmm.... When my DH has been away for long periods I do expect him to do more with the kids when he gets back so that I can have some time to myself. I'd also be quite upset if he only wanted to Skype with the kids and not really talk to me.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/06/2014 13:47

You avoided speaking to him whilst away at work, because he'd be pissy and stroppy with you for being away at work.

And now you're back you're paying for it.

Do you always walk on eggshells around him?

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