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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this sexist shit - or am I a selfish working mother?

111 replies

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 12:59

Really interested in views here. I suspect I am completely in the wrong - and this morning have been doing everything to placate angry DH - and wouldn't mind your collective view on whether I ABU or DH is.
Have been away for a week with work. Face timed the kids at 5.30 each night before DH was home, but so they could get on with homework and bedtime etc. I didn't call DH separately as was out with colleagues in the evenings - at conference during the day. It is a bit of a mad week - plus very glitzy and boozy - on yachts, fancy restaurants etc. in south of France. TbH - I knew if I did speak to DH - he would just be grumpy about me being there - while he was 'stressed out' doing everything at home - even though I arranged for nanny to cook for him every night. But I certainly haven't helped by not calling. I am now 'back' and doing all the things a weekend brings: taxiing kids everywhere, cooking dinner, getting school clothes ready for next week etc. while grump DH has parked himself in front of rugby and watering the garden. I can't help feeling if I was a man who had been away for a week - I would now not be 'paying for it'. I know am in the wrong for not calling him separately but does anyone else find it is a different rule for working mothers?

OP posts:

Inertia · 21/06/2014 14:48

Yabu not to contact him at all for a week- you could have got universe minutes earlier to call him if evenings were a problem . And it sounds like the sort of trip where him calling you wouldn't be convenient.

Tbh it's coming across that you were on a glitzy jolly and didn't want to trouble yourself with mundane real life.

Inertia · 21/06/2014 14:49

Got up ! What a bizarre autocorrect !

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 14:52

Good grief, I wouldn't give a toss if DP were away for a week and too busy to call. What with him being away for work and all, and getting round to phoning the kids.

OTOH when he goes away he tends to take over the following weekend. Mind you that's our usual habit, as I do more stuff in the week.

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 14:54

It was a week ffs. And glam or not, the OP was away for work.

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 14:57

Just noticed your nanny was doing all the work. And that your DH was already being grumpy. So I take back my previous point about how DP usually takes over. YANBU.

Original poster

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 15:11

It is interesting all the questions about do I like him. I love him to bits and have for 25 years. We just aren't the 'call in' type of couple. I often hear colleagues having those types of calls and think - wtf? It works for them. Has never been necessary for us. Maybe because we started dating away at university and before mobiles - so never got in the habit of calling just to talk. We called each other to make arrangements.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 15:12

Yes our nanny is the housekeeper and does all the housework. DH just doesn't usually do the bedtime bath time story stuff - I do. So he would have found that stressful every night.

OP posts:

BlameItOnTheBogey · 21/06/2014 15:16

I travel for work a lot. Am often away for a full week, leaving DH (who works full time) to pick up the slack at home. My travel takes me to really fun and interesting places and can seem very glamorous.

When I get home, far from being resentful, DH is always pleased to see me. He realizes that travel is tiring and makes sure I get a lie in on return and then he does everything he can to ensure that I can spend quality time with the kids who I have missed. So he will take on the weekend chores and let me e.g. take the kids out for an ice cream.

Your DH sounds like he thinks the house and kids are your job and that he is just standing in and deserves to be rewarded...

caruthers · 21/06/2014 15:17

BlameItOnTheBogey Do you ring your husband when you're away?

I don't see how anybody wouldn't want to ring their other half.

Annarose2014 · 21/06/2014 15:17

Well you may think it wasn't neccessary and you weren't "that type" of couple but clearly he felt forgotten about.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 21/06/2014 15:18

Oh and DH and I laugh a LOT at the number of people who tell him earnestly how marvelous he is to be able to manage all that on his own. He is marvelous as it turns out but for a whole heap of reasons and not just because he is capable of looking after his own children.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 21/06/2014 15:20

Caruthers sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends. My last trip was flat out until 2am most nights and early starts and I don't think we did speak at all. I just didn't have much time. But equally, if he wanted to chat, he knows he can call me. The onus isn't on me to always have to call him.

BackforGood · 21/06/2014 16:12

Maybe it's because we grew up before mobile phones, and didn't have them when we started going out.
Maybe it's because we both work in jobs where we are actually working when we are at work so couldn't take a call anyway, but, like MotherInferior, both dh and I are perfectly capable of surviving many days without having to speak to each other.
When dh is away, it tends to be in different time zones too, which makes it even trickier, but, tbh, last time he was in Germany, I didn't expect or need any calls from him. I'm a grown up who is perfectly capable of surviving on my own for a while. Am amazed how many think it's appalling OP didn't phone him every night. I've no problem with those who want to do that, but I don't think it's odd to not need to either.

juneau · 21/06/2014 16:17

He is punishing you for being away, which is a bit childish.

However, you were rubbish for not calling him once the entire time. Your excuse is boozy nights out every night? I'd be royally pissed off if my DH went on a week-long piss-up to the south of France and didn't call me once. In fact, I might just plonk myself in front of the motor racing and let him get on with a bit of childcare when he got back!

Xcountry · 21/06/2014 16:24

Well you are wrong, If my DH had fucked off for a week with work to the south of france for a glitzy and glam 'mad week' as you put it with the pretence of a conference in the daytime I would be pissed off, whats more I would have pissed off and left him with the kids for just as long as he left me. He might have even returned to find his wife and kids missing until divorced. Whether you are a working man or woman it doesn't matter - you left your family for a week, didn't speak to your DH for a week and you want him to be happy about that?

Original poster

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 16:28

Backforgood before posting this, I hadn't considered the role the phone has in our r'ship. I think if you did start your r'ship - pre mobile - you do use the phone in a different way. DH and I genuinely do have a very strong but I guess very independent lives, and we never really call each other when working - other than texting to confirm who's doing pick up etc. As you said - we're both quite busy working!

OP posts:

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 16:30

I'm going away for 16 days to a different continent in November. It is sort of for work but mainly not.

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 16:31

I may phone the kids occasionally.

BIWI · 21/06/2014 16:34

Agree - again! - with you, Namechange. DH and I are always so busy at work we just don't have time to call each other during the day, unless there's something essential we have to pass on to each other.

And we certainly don't have the 'can't live without you for 5 minutes' going on in our relationship. (Together for 28 years married for 24, so we're doing something right.)

So I totally get where you're coming from about not seeing the need to call. But I can understand he might be pissed off that you didn't try to speak to him for the entire week.

I think he's jealous of you and resentful as well.

Original poster

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 16:37

By the way - he has finished his strop and told me to lie down so I can face a glass of rose with him tonight. So, all good back in namechange6666 household. I still do think it is a bit sexist that mothers coming back from work - get straight into second shift of cooking cleaning child care etc. I know not every household like that - but I do think it happens more for mums than dads. But I do accept all of your advice that not calling for a week, and just calling the DC not a great idea!

OP posts:

PrincessBabyCat · 21/06/2014 16:45

Yes our nanny is the housekeeper and does all the housework. DH just doesn't usually do the bedtime bath time story stuff - I do. So he would have found that stressful every night.

I don't see what there is to stress about then. It's not like he has to multitask housework, dinner, and kids at the same time. He gets all the fun stuff. Unless your children are godless little heathens who run around screaming their heads off jumping on the furniture, it's not an insurmountable task. He is just as capable of you are to look after the kids. He is an equal in your relationship, not an idiot side kick.

Let him sulk. If he wants to be a man and resolve this like an adult he'll talk to you. But if you keep pandering to him, he'll just sulk again next time. Wrong or not, this is not a good way to solves things.

I do agree with the calling bit though. If my DH swanned off to yachts and fun hotels for a week and didn't call me, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Original poster

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 16:51

PrincessBabyCat - I agree. It is the bit I love. I don't know why - but he isn't that keen on it. He is always a bit grumpy after doing the bedtime routine. He is pretty crap at it TbH as he gets very distracted and the kids know that and will get him involved in a long complicated conversation to avoid bedtime. So before he knows it it is 10pm and he has 4 children still in uniform, not bathed, no homework done etc.

OP posts:

Pastperfect · 21/06/2014 16:56

I don't know what others trip abroad are like but mine are non stop. Yes I travel business class, get chauffeured around, stay in five star hotels and visit the best restaurants and bars (all the things that make people say oh but you're sooooo lucky) but from 8am - 6pm and then invariably 6pm - gone midnight I am with other people, in backnto back meetings/presentations/organised anything with little opportunity to make personal calls.

I get a couple of hours in the morning (when time zones usually make it impossible to call) and time for a quick shower before heading out for evening but I'm also trying to do my "day job" squeezing in urgent TCs, emails texts etc during that time.

I invariably get home after a bad night flight exhausted.

Fortunately DH understands that I'm not on one long "jolly" glamourous as it may sound and gives me time to sleep and catch up with myself. He certainly doesn't sulk and would be given short shruft if he did

gamescompendium · 21/06/2014 16:57

TBH if DH was away with work for a week (he would call me every night and we also started our relationship back before mobile phones) I would expect a bit of downtime at the weekend and expect him to do some housework. And vice versa. We've got a pretty even relationship WRT housework and childcare though so if one of us is away we notice the difference!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/06/2014 17:00

Was he hosing the roses or pissing all over them....? Might be a reason you are out of dog box already.... Jus' sayin'! ;)

If you came back with a tan that probably also got his goat.

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