Is this sexist shit - or am I a selfish working mother?

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Really interested in views here. I suspect I am completely in the wrong - and this morning have been doing everything to placate angry DH - and wouldn't mind your collective view on whether I ABU or DH is.
Have been away for a week with work. Face timed the kids at 5.30 each night before DH was home, but so they could get on with homework and bedtime etc. I didn't call DH separately as was out with colleagues in the evenings - at conference during the day. It is a bit of a mad week - plus very glitzy and boozy - on yachts, fancy restaurants etc. in south of France. TbH - I knew if I did speak to DH - he would just be grumpy about me being there - while he was 'stressed out' doing everything at home - even though I arranged for nanny to cook for him every night. But I certainly haven't helped by not calling. I am now 'back' and doing all the things a weekend brings: taxiing kids everywhere, cooking dinner, getting school clothes ready for next week etc. while grump DH has parked himself in front of rugby and watering the garden. I can't help feeling if I was a man who had been away for a week - I would now not be 'paying for it'. I know am in the wrong for not calling him separately but does anyone else find it is a different rule for working mothers?

The thing is he didn't call you either - not during the day but in the evening - and then you may have responded to a missed call if unable to take the call - so he isbu to sulk about something that he is equally guilty of.

Yes; why has no-one else raised the point that he didn't call the OP either?

I tend not to call DH when I am away with work - he does at least understand that it's not one long jolly unlike some of you. My overseas trips tend to involve quite a lot of internal travel - eg leave Tel Aviv for an 0730 breakfast in Jerusalem, necessitating getting up at 0500, reading in the car, then from Jerusalem to Nablus, back to Tel Aviv via somewhere else, then dinner in Jerusalem again, back to Tel Aviv and not getting to bed until 0100. I also didn't always answer the phone when he called (he always left a message) due to meetings, and to be frank, the calls were generally a bit of a whine about how I hadn't bought potatoes before I left, and he had had to go to the supermarket, or where did I keep the floor cleaner. Little irritations, of the "woman know thy place" variety.

YANBU.

Was it totally no contact all week? Not even texts? I find that quite weird tbh - whenever DH or I have been away we wouldn't necessarily call each other all the time but I would text him to tell him about my day (had seminar now out to dinner at Japanese restaurant with lawyers, v boring, miss you, say hello to the dog xxx type stuff )

I work in media too and the stereotype of the ad crowd as a bunch of profligate shaggers is right in my experience! But I doubt that your DH is worried about that.

IMO:
If has he has the hump with you simply for being away of a work jolly then he is being unreasonable;

If he has the hump with you for not contacting him all week then he is not being unreasonable.

Sheherazade I don't think all work trips are jollies, mine certainly aren't, even when they involve nice hotels and fancy restaurants, I'd much rather be at home. I tend to think of Cannes Lions as one though!

at your DH calling to moan about you not buying potatoes! How enraging.

YANBU . Your DH is being a meany. He could have phoned you if he had wanted to talk to you.

FixIt I think that sounds really unpleasant on your part.

Why unpleasant? my husband goes away on conferences where he sleeps through the night in luxury hotels and has free time in the evenings when not out at swanky dinner nights.

I am home working full time and have all care responsibilites for two young toddlers. Why is it unreasonable to think that I would get some time off of my own when he returns? seems fair to me and to my knowledge my DH thinks so too.

It's not about thinking I'm important it is about being busy On an overseas trip I have pretty much every minute of the day accounted for and sure if there was an urgent need to call home (and I do speak to DCs everyday provided I'm not actually on a plane) I would but just to "check in" with another adult who is perfectly capable of not having a strop because I didn't check that he was coping with the stress of me being away? Nope

My husband travels a lot and we rarely talk while he's away because he's too busy. If I want/need to talk to him I text or leave a message to let him know.

reverse AIBU?

I have a friend whos husband did this kind of thing. they are now divorcing. I think it's odd that you wouldn't want to speak to your husband (Or vice versa) for the whole time you were away.

If you have got time to go to the toilet then you have got time to send a quick text to your partner just to let them know you are alive!

If both of you think it's fine and not weird to completely ignore each other for a week, then great. But this husband obviously didn't think it was fine.

I think the onus is on the one who is away to check in from time to time, the one at home doesn't know when you are busy or free to talk.

But of course he should not be sulking about it. But I don't think he is remotely unreasonable to feel hurt that you could find time in your busy schedule to talk to the children but never to him.

My DH travels a lot for business and I would be annoyed if he made the time to 'facetime' my DS but not speak to me. But then I don't need to speak to him every day - we also met many years ago before mobile phones were the norm . I agree that people away on business are working - yes, there might be the odd jolly but believe me, the places my DH has to travel to (needs an armed guard) would never be described as a 'jolly'.

And as soon as he gets home he gets on with household/childcare/second job stuff - I am the one who lazes around (esp. when he is away - can't wait for the next trip - life is more relaxing when he is away ).