Is this sexist shit - or am I a selfish working mother?

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Really interested in views here. I suspect I am completely in the wrong - and this morning have been doing everything to placate angry DH - and wouldn't mind your collective view on whether I ABU or DH is.
Have been away for a week with work. Face timed the kids at 5.30 each night before DH was home, but so they could get on with homework and bedtime etc. I didn't call DH separately as was out with colleagues in the evenings - at conference during the day. It is a bit of a mad week - plus very glitzy and boozy - on yachts, fancy restaurants etc. in south of France. TbH - I knew if I did speak to DH - he would just be grumpy about me being there - while he was 'stressed out' doing everything at home - even though I arranged for nanny to cook for him every night. But I certainly haven't helped by not calling. I am now 'back' and doing all the things a weekend brings: taxiing kids everywhere, cooking dinner, getting school clothes ready for next week etc. while grump DH has parked himself in front of rugby and watering the garden. I can't help feeling if I was a man who had been away for a week - I would now not be 'paying for it'. I know am in the wrong for not calling him separately but does anyone else find it is a different rule for working mothers?

fuzzywuzzy has summed it up perfectly.

I assume you were at Cannes lions? I was there too.

I think you are being bu - I managed to call my husband separately, and he would have been rightly miffed if we didn't speak all week (as well as worried about what I was up to). And vice versa. At the end of the day Cannes is not really such hard work (unless yu were one of the people actually organising events etc).

He shouldn't be grumpy that you were away per se, though - you have to do what you need to at work.

If this was a mother at home all week the dad would be called a selfish bastard for not phoning his wife, you swanned about on a boat and had a love.y holiday no wonder he is pissed off

My husband goes away for the occasional week at a conference abroad and when he is back I absolutely swan off for a while. So I don't think it's sexist.

I get you, OP. I used to have this when I travelled a lot when the DC were smaller. I'd have made sure that there was a full house/fridge/freezer in terms of meals, the nanny did extra stuff - DH didn't have to do anything other than look after the DC.

Although I did used to talk to him when I rang, I hated it because all I would get were moans and complaints.

You are not a selfish working mother. You are a working mother. Your DH is being a whiny twat.

Didn't you miss him? Didn't you WANT to talk to him?

I'm rubbish going even a few hours without speaking to DH and he me. YABU. He's probably hurt to fuck.

I'm also not sure it's fair to expect to put your feet up for a while (regardless of whether you're a man or a woman!) when you come back from a work trip - depending on the nature of the trip/job, it's quite likely you're also completely shattered.

In fact dh came back this morning from a work trip, he just spent 10 hours on a plane and hasn't had any sleep, I'd feel bad handing him the kid and telling him "do the washing up while I go take a nap". It sucks for both of us when he travels, in different ways.

OP, I assumed your dh was mostly mad about being left alone with the kids, but actually - what exactly is he mad about, that or the lack of phone calls? Or a mix of both?

uh sorry I mixed that up - I meant, I'm not sure it's fair to expect to put your feet up when your partner comes back from a work trip.

Good points. I am concluding it was me BU! I will continue grovelling. I must admit - and now I am seeing how hurtful this was, because I was on the phone to DC every night - I didn't think to call him too. We both have very busy lives - so a daily call not what we usually do if work means we are not in contact for a couple of days. But a week is different - and I think he probably now has assumed I was up to no good (I wasn't!!!!) . Yes was Cannes Lions and I work in media - not known for being morally upstanding. I guess I was wondering if it had been a man away - would he have rushed back to immediately pick up on all the house hold chores that had been neglected all week. But I was focussing on the - now you're back - assume the position, rather than you didn't call your partner for a week.

Just to be clear - I wasn't 'up to no good' - I was perfectly well behaved!!!

I think there is a little bit of sexism in the assuming we're up to no good - my DH absolutely PANICS if I am out late boozing/entertaining and I don't check in (am also in media w lots of late nights) whereas if I did the same he would think I was being naggy.

But over a week? You need to check in. Plus I find it's a good way of reminding myself that all the entertaining bs is not real life...however much fun it might be to do for a few days.

YANBU.

Do you call each other regularly normally? It wouldn't bother me if DH didn't call me if he was away for a week and if I needed to speak to him then I'd call him. But that's our "normal", if it's not for you then you should have called.

Doesn't justify actual sulking though.

If I'd had a week away with work I'd have at least texted my dh at bedtime even if I'd been too busy to call or up late.
When I got back I'd have pushed him out the door for a bike ride or something to decompress after sole parenting all week. He'd do the same for me.
BUT he would not have been sulking at me all week. If he had I'd maybe have felt more like you.

Working away can be knackering but it's not the same as sole parenting and so in our house the one who has been parenting gets a break from that role at the weekend.

I have to say he is usually very trusting of me. But gets very cranky with all the late nights. He also thinks the industry is complete BS and all the guys tossers - which doesn't help! I am feeling so bad now. Bad wife. I did tell the kids to tell daddy I love him at the end of each call (grasping at straws)

My DH travels a lot for work. If he was on a glitzy/boozy trip and didn't get in touch all week, I would be beyond fuming. Seriously, no contact with him, because you were partying too hard?

At least he's watering the flowers.

Our normal is not to do a lot of calling each other - frankly both too busy. But I do think the problem this time was a week away in a pretty absurdly glamorous environment and not calling - was too much. He is not the jealous type - neither am I, so we have never done the 'checking in' thing. Tbh - most of the guys that are there are happily cheating on their wives - and calling in every day and buying them expensive gifts in the airport on the way home.

I just cant understand why you didnt want to talk to him. Didn't you miss him?! Genuine question.

Mmm - sounds swell!! You sound pretty pumped from your "absurdly glamorous environment" - could it be that which is getting on his nerves?

My general rule of thumb is that if my DH has been working really hard in a different timezone, we definitely make sure he gets down time when he gets back. If he has been on a bender with his mates (work or otherwise) then that rule doesn't apply and I'd expect to get some downtime instead.

What mrsspagbol said too. I can't imagine any scenario where I didn't speak to my DH for a whole week.

It may be your normal not to check in much, but not even a text in a week?? Hell no. Thats just rude.

If you were a man and lamely tried "But I told the kids to tell Mummy I love her!" you'd be ripped apart on here.

And tbh, if I was utterly ignored whilst my partner was in Cannes for a week I might get a bit paranoid too.

I think the problem is not so much the not ringing him - that would be normal for many couples. It's the contrast with your daily Skype to the DCs - it seems to show where your priorities lie. That's probably not a fair reflection of affairs, but it just looks a bit pointed.

I don't think this is about sexism, sounds more like a warning bell for both of you about communication.

He should not be sulking, that's pathetic but you should be asking yourself why you didn't want to speak to him even once for a week.

I think it speaks volumes that you didn't contact him and I also expect dh to take over the kids and housework when he gets back after working away.
However, we don't have a nanny so I do everything when dh is not here, he hardly sounds like he was rushed off his feet. I am supposing dc were at school or nanny and your dh was at work.