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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this sexist shit - or am I a selfish working mother?

111 replies

Namechange66666 · 21/06/2014 12:59

Really interested in views here. I suspect I am completely in the wrong - and this morning have been doing everything to placate angry DH - and wouldn't mind your collective view on whether I ABU or DH is.
Have been away for a week with work. Face timed the kids at 5.30 each night before DH was home, but so they could get on with homework and bedtime etc. I didn't call DH separately as was out with colleagues in the evenings - at conference during the day. It is a bit of a mad week - plus very glitzy and boozy - on yachts, fancy restaurants etc. in south of France. TbH - I knew if I did speak to DH - he would just be grumpy about me being there - while he was 'stressed out' doing everything at home - even though I arranged for nanny to cook for him every night. But I certainly haven't helped by not calling. I am now 'back' and doing all the things a weekend brings: taxiing kids everywhere, cooking dinner, getting school clothes ready for next week etc. while grump DH has parked himself in front of rugby and watering the garden. I can't help feeling if I was a man who had been away for a week - I would now not be 'paying for it'. I know am in the wrong for not calling him separately but does anyone else find it is a different rule for working mothers?

OP posts:

BarbaraPalmer · 21/06/2014 17:01

if DH is away with work he calls us all briefly at the DC's bedtime. I don't want my TV time disturbed need another call later.

He is chief ironer at home, and so I make sure he's done all the week's stuff before he goes. he also spends time with the DC while I cook one or two meals for the freezer in case I end up working late while he's away. everything else I happily manage solo.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 21/06/2014 17:04

You should have phoned him.

I say this from the perspective of having previously done exactly what you did, and just being too waylaid to phone. Of course he was jealous, wouldn't you be? I would!

I agree about phoning all the time not being a priority if it never has been, we're the same - it's a duty call to say hi and how's your day been, just before you head off out to the bar! We have both been the sulky ones left at home, so both acknowledge how it's crap being the one left behind.

You were unreasonable by not bothering to phone at all, but he is unreasonable now for sulking.

Roundedbuttocks90 · 21/06/2014 17:16

YANBU my DH is the same.

I recently had the chance to go on a girly weekend to London but I couldn't go as DH 'can't cook or bathe the kids properly!' One of the children isn't even mine!!

Yet this morning he announces that in September he is going on a weekend to Latvia with his friends to watch moto cross racing.

Talk about double standards :( I hear ya

BIWI · 21/06/2014 17:19

Why are you even allowing that to happen, Roundedbuttocks? That's dreadful.

You were invited - you go. Your DH will just have to learn to do those things. You've now just given in to him and he is doing the whole 'learned helplessness' thing to stop you having your own life.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/06/2014 19:41

Rounded arent you tempted to say "well, then, you had better learn how to do those things as the next time I wont be declining?"

redskyatnight · 21/06/2014 19:59

IS being away with work normal for you?

DH goes away for 2 weeks once a year, and because our routine is built round him being here, it's not just about me doing a bit extra to pick up the slack, it requires me to restructure my week e.g. he's usually home for the DC at night - for me to be here instead means I have to sweet talk work into letting me leave early and then work till late to compensate. It is exhausting.

If he was away a lot we wouldn't try to do it this way, we'd have more coping mechanisms in place, and it would be easier.

I do think DH doesn't get how hard it is for me to cover while he's away, and yes, I'd be sat with my feet up over the weekend expecting him to do everything, so I guess I relate to your DH.

IamRechargingthankYou · 21/06/2014 20:14

No I don't think there's anything sexist about it...so you go away to work, he's crap with the bedtime routine and you say you're great at it and probably because you love that part. He could be great at colour co-ordinating the laundry for all we know.

He's probably not pissed off that you didn't talk to him necessarily but more that you work in n industry that is populated by knobs, in his opinion, which is presumably further confirmed when he might have occasionally met your work chums. He's probably also a bit if his work doesn't involve boozy trips to the south of France, yachts, you know, yaddaa, yaddaa.

NK5BM3 · 21/06/2014 20:26

Frankly, I think women just end up with this sort of shit. I travel quite a lot for work. Last one was to Paris, early morning starts from 6, coming home at midnight. A lot of the work is done at the dinners. I hate it because it's really tiring but I have to. To top it off, the dinners were rather rubbish this time round!!!

But we don't have a nanny so dh has to suck it up. I do all the shopping though and making of food. So the weekend before I travel, I'm always stocking up food and cooking... And I end up having to buy presents to make up for the guilt, and still step in immediately the moment I'm home, to packing lunch, homework etc.,,.

So Yanbu.

Yama · 21/06/2014 20:40

Namechange66666 - if dh goes away for work he definitely picks up the slack when he gets home.

We too lead busy lives and wouldn't spend more than a few minutes on the phone if one of us was away.

Glad all is now well. I would imagine he just wanted to feel appreciated - like we all do.

VSeth · 21/06/2014 20:42

You have a nanny that is the house keeper and does the house work, you have just returned home from a jolly to Cannes involving yachts and gala events, presumbly with copious quantities of booze and fine dining now upon your return you are "woe is me" about doing some cooking and looking after your children?

If you fancy a life swap please pm me

VSeth · 21/06/2014 20:45

and you didn't contact your DH during your week away?? In your DH's place I would still be fuming. YABU

Iggly · 21/06/2014 20:54

The thing is you rang the DCs.

All you had to do was say can I talk yo dad for 5 mins, then ask how he was.

Saying your relationship predates mobile phones us a lame excuse.

schmee · 21/06/2014 21:02

at Vseth and the life swap!

My DH phones me from the loo when he's in back to back meetings and dinners. But then he also buys me a present generally when he goes away, so perhaps he's nobbing someone while he's there (like OPs colleagues).

CarmineRose1978 · 21/06/2014 21:13

My DP and I call several times a day when one of us is working away... We find the time, even if it's just for two minutes. Not because we're jealous or "checking in" but because we love each other and miss each other. It seems beyond weird to me not to call for a week.

Guitargirl · 21/06/2014 21:17

I must admit that I am a bit at everyone who says they are so desperately important at work that they don't have time to make a 2-minute phone call to their families. If you don't want or need to call then that's absolutely fair enough in itself isn't it?

If you are all surgeons who are in theatre for hours on end then feel free to come and tell me to shut up but come on, really, a dinner with clients means you can't make a phone call? Do what Schmee's DH does - take the phone to the loo.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 21/06/2014 21:22

When my DP has been away he usually tries to make up at a weekend by doing more than his share to balance it out.

I try to do the same when I'm away.

I would also be v pissed off if he calledDD but not me.

NK5BM3 · 21/06/2014 21:45

But having said that, I do speak to dh when I ring home to speak to the kids. I call about 7.30/8am uk time when I'm in Europe. Actually I call that same time when I'm in Asia too. I just sneak out of the meeting and call in the loo.

Panicmode1 · 21/06/2014 21:45

My DH was also in Cannes this week. We spoke every day, even if it was just for 30 secs before he dashed into another meeting/drinks party on a yacht. We too have four children but I am a SAHM. Today he has shopped, cooked and taken the children to various activities because I've had the harder week (in his opinion) so he's given me a break!

I used to attend events in Cannes in my previous (property professional) guise, and a very few men were playing away - but they were back in London too. I guess I'm lucky to have a husband who values my role and sees my contribution to the household as equal to his. If your normal is not to communicate during the week, then perhaps your DH is Being a bit U by being upset.....I don't think it's a sexist thing, just a human one.

EverythingCounts · 21/06/2014 22:03

Firstly, glad you are back on speakers Two separate things really going on. I do think YABU to not communicate with him at all the whole week. Me and DH are rarely away for that long with work, more like 1-3 days, and often then we're both tired at night and not up for long calls, but we do text updates about our days. I think a few texts would have gone a long way even if calling was difficult.
Secondly, though, YANBU about the sexism. It sounds like you actually still do a fair bit when you are at home and working normally, whereas he has whole sections of the routine he doesn't go near (bathtime). Would you have had the nanny cook for you every night if he was away for a week? I would guess not. So he is on a good deal there.

Rounded Book yourself on that girly weekend, go on. It's a disgrace that a parent can't do the basics like feed and clean their kids and your DH will have to get up to speed. It's not rocket science to make some beans on toast and slosh some water over them before bedtime. Anyone incapable of that shouldn't be allowed to travel to other countries or drive fast cars

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 22:16

I would feel faintly hassled by repeats "oh it's me again" calls over the day. Not least because I have, you know, stuff to do. And I can really live quite happily without calls from the loo.

motherinferior · 21/06/2014 22:18

I've lived with the bloke for 14 years, dammit, I've heard most of his conversational gambits.

Viviennemary · 21/06/2014 22:21

You didn't bother to get in touch with him for a whole week. And you wonder why he is annoyed. Unbelievable!

Roundedbuttocks90 · 21/06/2014 22:39

TBF I think I would spend the whole weekend worrying about the kids being looked after properly.

DSD and DD are quite a handful together!!

He can go on his stupid weekend, I will be able to have friends round, watch what I want in tv, not have to be back home to cook his tea every night!!

Quite looking forward to it :)

FixItUpChappie · 21/06/2014 22:52

TBH when my husband goes away to "work" (aka a glitzy conference in a 5 star hotel) I make him pay for it when he gets back via free time and days out for me. Seems fair to me....though we don't have a nanny.

I would be hurt if my partner didn't take time out to speak to me each day also. That seems a bit bizarre honestly.

ilovesooty · 21/06/2014 23:11

FixIt I think that sounds really unpleasant on your part.

To the OP, I expect he was hurt, but glad you're talking now.

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