AIBU To think I should have done something,anything to help this Family

[fluffyfanjo]

I've just returned from a city center shopping trip and seen (to me) the most heart breaking scene.

I was sat upstairs on the bus on the outskirts of town, as we stopped outside the City's Housing Aid offices. Outside there was a Family -Mum,dad two girls aged about 9/11 and a boy who looked about 3,stacked up beside them was what looked like everything they owned. The girls were perched on a suitcase looking bewildered ,the little boy was asleep laying on the fucking pavement.I have a DS aged 4 and I have tears in my eyes just typing this.

By the time I registered it, the bus had moved off,I did consider getting off,but what could I have done ? there were no shops nearby so I couldn't have got drinks or snacks for them, suppose I could go back,but its a 40 min bus ride and they (hopefully may not be still be there)

I know the staff at The housing aid place will find them emergency accommodation, I just hope someone at least give the kids food/drink.

If anyone is passing Nottingham housing aid offices in the next couple of hours and has a spare packet of biscuits lurking in their bag, I know where there are three children who may appreciate them........

you have no idea of the circumstances. I've seen posters on here advise other posters to turn up at their housing office with all their belongings and demanding they be housed, it's possible, likely even tbh, that this is what this family have done, and having young children will of course add to the emotional nature of their plea.

And I don't see how that's the government's fault without having more details.

I wouldn't assume they were in desperate need of a packet of biscuits, although I might be more inclined to assume they were using their children to gain favour with the council - why weren't the older ones in school for instance....

WTAF!

When have they advised them? When they are at risk of being homeless, perhaps?

Who should be addressing homelessness (it's increasing you know) if not the govt?

Using their children to 'gain favour' with the council? Fucks sakes. Maybe being evicted is a valid reason to not be at school.

Also I will often stop and chat to rough sleepers, and when I have extra money, will ask if they would like a hot coffee or some food or something. I made friends with a rough sleeper who used to live at the bottom of my road, and I always asked if he was okay for dry socks, gloves, etc. He often said he was fine and other times he would ask for something, which I always have if I could. I don't think he felt patronised or like a charity case- especially because I talked to him all the time, he even used to read me his (heartbreaking!!!) poetry.

I also work for a charity... But I guess then, people come to me rather than me to them.

I am rambling now- mostly with thoughts about how we as a community need to take care of one another, somehow! Maybe the better approach is to work for charities and take political action when possible, and build personal relationships with as broad a range of people as possible so that a connection exists before help is needed / offered / received...

I agree it's hard. There is a difference though, between 'X has had a hard time lately, let's make sure she's not alone' which as you say is a friend taking care of you, and the slightly more patronising stance that 'X can't possibly be alone because it is ' so we will do our bit!'

Both are nice and come from a good place but it is difficult to describe how low it can make you feel!

I do think as well there is an element of luck and of misfortune here. After all most of us will experience bereavement but most of us won't experience being evicted with a young family in tow.

I am a firm advocate though of putting money where your mouth is and if anyone on this thread genuinely wants to help then charities will be delighted to have your time or money. I volunteer for the Samaritans and we always need people to man the phones. I also work alternate Saturdays in our hospice shop, and I originally did this because of supporting the charity but in our small town many needy people come in and I hope I help them by having a chat about the latest thing on telly or whatever

The greatest gift you can sometimes give someone is to treat them as someone ordinary.

This is probably totally off topic- but actually, that same rough sleeper was the one who ultimately made me see what an abusive twat my ex was. He overheard a conversation I was having on the phone, and I guess surmised what a prick he was. Anyway I was probably a bit shocked after the phone call, he came up to me, gave me a rollie, and told me (for lack of a better word) to leave the bastard!

How funny I had forgotten that moment until just now... I am sure it's relevant somehow...

See you work for a charity :)

But there is a massive difference between giving money to a beggar - who is begging - and (say) giving change to someone who looked scruffy.

With the latter it doesn't take much imagination to see how that could cause great indignation and offence if they were not in fact begging and this was my worry with the family and the biscuits!

I completely agree- I work for a charity, and we are desperate for volunteers and money!! The work we do is just so amazing, soooo many people come through our doors, and i guess that is where my place is right now in the karmic-scheme of helping and being helped.

We have lots of people who struggle with housing and homelessness, and agree- of all the services we offer, and there are many, the most important one is just treating everyone who comes through with warmth and equity and normalcy! Because really, it could just as easily be me coming in the door, and them offering me a cuppa!

And true- I totally get your point. I just think that op has out into words that awful moment where your heart really goes out to a stranger and you just want to DO something, and she has offered what she might want someone to do for her in that situation, and has just been flamed! You have put your point in such a nicer and more palatable way- and I think you have actually articulated the risk of unsolicited but well intentioned kindness. It may be well received, but it also may seem to some like a bit of a kick when they are already down (or not, as the case may be!)

I don't quite honestly think she has been flamed

Most people have agreed her intentions were good but some have expressed concern that her actions, had she carried them out, might have inadvertently caused further humiliation and upset to the family in question.

The responses to the lady who first objected have been the flaming ones, they really have.

The professionally spiteful are out in force today.

Fluffy, ignore them.

Am I reading a different thread? Comments such as 'spiteful are out in force', 'mn is full of cunts', 'the op has been flamed'.

What? I've not seen anyone being awful to the op. I've seen people disagreeing with her asking people to go and give biscuits to a struggling family...which does not make you a spiteful cunt.

Apparently if you question the impulse for charitable giving which may be inappropriate, or try to provide some context to this family's actions which deviate from the desired narrative you are a spiteful cunt. Who knew.

I think this is highly relevant to the other thread which has been running about how some posters' first reaction on AIBU is to find some reason to jump on the OP and find something to criticise, rather than looking at the main point and coming up with some sort of constructive comment. It's a very unpleasant tendency on AIBU and fully exemplified here.

Is it the same names each time?
tbh here, some of the ones that are disagreeing with the op are the ones who have first hand knowledge of who the op is talking about.

so many people would just shrug and go meh and move on

This is exactly what the OP did!

No windchime that is just not what fluffy did. She did not shrug and go meh, quite the reverse, it played on her mind so much she has needed to talk to people and register her horror at the situation. And she didnt move on, she was on a bus with her 4yo.

The stuff about biscuits (which I had interpreted as figurative for "please reach out"), mentioning names of cities has sadly derailed the intent and purpose of her sadness, it was the awful sight of that family.

We none of us can change the world the way we wish, but we can ensure we are not desensitised, we can show empathy. Yes, of course the purists will jump up on their high horse and say how we should all rush off immediately, join a homeless charity and be perfect human beings and unless we do that, well we haven't earned our stripes. Hey life gets in the way, we have commitments to our families, life throw crap in too many directions.

Fluffy, don't stop caring, do what you can, don't feel bad if you cant.

Surely when it gets to this much handwringing, worrying if someone is going to be offended, it stops acts of kindness.

Who in God's name is going to stand there soul searching about whether to buy someone a cuppa and a sandwich, just do it with good heart, if they don't want it, they can just put it in the nearest bin fgs. They'll get over it. More likely they'll think, what a kind person! It takes all sorts.

ppplease are you deliberately ignoring the posters with experience who are not disagreeing with the op?

I am puzzled. Not intentionally ignoring anything. Am happy to be corrected on what I have posted.

Families who have to present at housing offices with all their worldly belongings need change to the housing policy in this country. It's rotten to the core and fails everyone including landlords. I'm a renter and have been fucked over by landlords but thankfully have means to find another rental. I've also worked in housing support and social services and worked with more families than you can shake a stick at who are fucked over by shit housing policy. My parents have also forayed into landlording and both sets of tenants had to be evicted via court orders. The system is horrible but it's an everyday occurrence if you are involved in social support services. That's why I question the op's hand wringing, not because I think she's wrong to care but that she's possibly missing the point (through no fault of her own).

I know very little about it Ehric. What do you think it should be changed from, and to what?

Don't get me started!
Firstly, fees to tenants from letting agents should be minimal. Affordable. Families who need to move from one private rental to another need to find a deposit up front (usually 6 weeks rent) before they see their current deposit back, which may have been deducted from. Adding on £500+ of agency fees makes this process unaffordable for many. Landlords should foot this bill since they are the ones looking for tenants.
There needs to be a change to the rules regarding buy to let mortgages and housing benefit. If you need to be earning 3 times your rent without recourse to housing benefit, yet wages aren't in line with this, finding a rental can be impossible. Most btl mortgages preclude HB tenants, yet most private renters on lowish incomes need to, and are entitled to, claim a HB top up.
More houses need to be built that are both council owned and maintained, and genuinely affordable. People need affordable a housing, whether that's through shared ownership, renting from HA, council or private, it needs to be affordable. Right now it isn't.
All these measures would alleviate pressure on private renters when things go wrong because they would have options other than wait to be evicted.

There are other things going on in housing that sicken me. For example the bedroom tax - people being evicted from affordable council housing for non payment then placed in temporary private which triples or quadruples their housing benefit bill.
Did you know that councils lease private houses from landlords and pay them 20% more in housing benefit than regular private tenants can claim? A family in three bed temporary housing in my area costs the council £288 a week. If they were placed in a council house the bill would be £300 a month and who benefits from this? Not tenants that's for sure.

I think that I would rather be told to Fuck off 10 times, than ignore someone that really needs to be shown that they matter to someone, even if its just a cup of & a