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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think I should have done something,anything to help this Family

196 replies

fluffyfanjo · 20/06/2014 14:02

I've just returned from a city center shopping trip and seen (to me) the most heart breaking scene.

I was sat upstairs on the bus on the outskirts of town, as we stopped outside the City's Housing Aid offices. Outside there was a Family -Mum,dad two girls aged about 9/11 and a boy who looked about 3,stacked up beside them was what looked like everything they owned. The girls were perched on a suitcase looking bewildered ,the little boy was asleep laying on the fucking pavement.I have a DS aged 4 and I have tears in my eyes just typing this.

By the time I registered it, the bus had moved off,I did consider getting off,but what could I have done ? there were no shops nearby so I couldn't have got drinks or snacks for them, suppose I could go back,but its a 40 min bus ride and they (hopefully may not be still be there)

I know the staff at The housing aid place will find them emergency accommodation, I just hope someone at least give the kids food/drink.

If anyone is passing Nottingham housing aid offices in the next couple of hours and has a spare packet of biscuits lurking in their bag, I know where there are three children who may appreciate them........

OP posts:
ppplease · 20/06/2014 19:02

We can be prepared to give it.

They dont have to take it.

Original poster
fluffyfanjo · 20/06/2014 19:05

There are different ways of doing things - there is a world of difference between being a patronizing do gooder and expecting gratitude in return and simply handing someone something with a smile and going on your way....................

OP posts:
Caff2 · 20/06/2014 19:11

I think your motives are great, OP, but when you're at that level of stress, something like offering biscuits (or whatever small act of kindness) can seem very difficult and could result in a snippy reaction, as you are so wrapped up in the hideousness of it all that you might just think, "Oh ffs! Is this not bad enough??" Not fair or right, maybe, but I do see both sides of this argument.

Caff2 · 20/06/2014 19:13

I have said to homeless people when I had a bit of spare money "Can I get you anything? I don't have any money much, but could run to a couple of quid if that would help?"

MarmaladeShatkins · 20/06/2014 19:21

I bought a homeless man a cup of hot tea and a cheese sarnie last winter because it was fucking freezing and he wasn't begging for money. I might have offended him, I might not. I just think that the human thing to do when someone is sat on a freezing cold floor in January is help a tiny bit.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/06/2014 19:22

That's great caff but the point I guess is that these people were not street homeless and probably had as much (or as little) money and food available to them as the average low income family.
The concept of charitable giving in this case is misplaced.

Original poster
fluffyfanjo · 20/06/2014 19:38

That's great caff but the point I guess is that these people were not street homeless and probably had as much (or as little) money and food available to them as the average low income family.
The concept of charitable giving in this case is misplaced.

it wasn't the thought of "charity giving" (nothing short of a roof over their heads would have solved their problems) It was more of maybe making a shit day a little less shit.

Maybe they did have money and food, maybe all their previous purchased food was frozen,maybe they had to leave in a hurry,maybe they are on a very low income and were saving what little cash they had to transport themselves,kids and possessions across they city in a taxi,maybe they knew they'd have to probably top up gas and electric meters,maybe they thought perhaps they could end up in a B&B with no cooking facilities thus having to rely on expensive takeaways etc etc and didn't feel they could justify treats for the kids.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 20/06/2014 19:49

YANBU OP, I'd have been upset by that sight too.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 20/06/2014 19:55

The op didn't actually do anything.

Cheepypeepy · 20/06/2014 20:02

yes OP it is wrong and yes we should do something

and yes a packet of biscuits or a toy or whatever wouldn´t fix it but you knew that - and not sure what planet the people giving you a hard time are on if they can´t see that in your post Confused

but now it´s time for people move on and think what is possible to do to stop it happening to people - I´d like to think voting for Labour may change something but if they stay too New Labour that isn´t going to happen . . .

Preciousbane · 20/06/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyoneForTennis · 20/06/2014 21:18

Why would voting for labour change anything?

How do you know why they were homeless?? The parents could have been gambling the rent money away for all you know.....

fluffymouse · 20/06/2014 22:07

Damn people are being harsh to the op.

She was describing what is a very unfortunate situation. It really doesn't matter what let to the lids being homeless, whatever the parents did, the kids are still homeless.

Talking about a packet of biscuits for the baby may seem a little naive, the children may not be starving. If I was that child though, I would appreciate something to cheer me up.

The op meant well, people should stop being nasty!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/06/2014 22:18

Fucking hell. I've heard it all now. We shouldn't be good samaritans and help people, just on the off-chance that they've maybe gambled their money away.

There's a lot of cunts on MN tonight.

windchime · 20/06/2014 22:26

so many people would just shrug and go meh and move on

This is exactly what the OP did!

AnyoneForTennis · 20/06/2014 22:32

Ha ha... The gambling comment was in response to cheepy suggesting the government are to blame!

Thurlow · 20/06/2014 22:35

Exactly, moomin. Some of the opinions on this thread are absolutely shocking.

angryangryyoungwoman · 20/06/2014 22:50

Thanks theodorous it happens on any thread mentioning biscuits. They're insatiable. Grin

MasqueradeWaltzer · 20/06/2014 22:55

Ugh, compassion, it's so patronising.

Let's ban it.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 23:12

Compassion for others is never patronising.

Just sometimes, the way that compassion communicates itself can be and can unintentionally make the situation worse.

The fact is, whilst I have no doubt that family have had an awful time, we also know the boy won't be asleep on a pavement now. He will be tucked up in bed. So will his sisters. The true horror comes, not from lack of a home as such but lack of stability, of control, of familiarity.

In the kindest possible way, the OP cannot change that. None of us can: where did it even start? With a lost job, a third child, a car breaking down - we just don't know.

Hopefully they will pull through it. But they are not on the streets now. We know this and that's something to be grateful for, I think.

grumpasaur · 20/06/2014 23:22

MrsW, i think you are missing the point.

Haven't you ever had those moments where you see something that just breaks your heart? Not because you feel superior, or because you are better off, but because you are a human being who can empathise with the thought that was you are seeing is just plain sad.

I think this is where the op was coming from- she has a little one herself, and had that awful moment where she empathised with how she might feel if her little one were sleeping on the pavement, surrounded by all his little belongings. She wanted to help, and thought that a gesture of kindness may be a small step to helping. This is a lovely sentiment and, it makes no difference if the family were starving or not. It's just a nice thing to do, and if the family didn't want whatever gesture was offered, they could refuse it!

I have thankfully never been in that position, although one experience that happened to me over 5 years ago still makes me well up. It's an long and boring story, but basically I was being shafted from pillar to post between the banks, the post office, and the visa and immigration office. I had needed £320. I had more than that in my account but could only withdraw £300/day (and was in a time pressured visa situation as they changed the rules just before my visa expired)... Anyway I started crying at the post office- not because I was starving, or in truly dire straights, or anything... But I just felt so frustrated and alone and so knocked about by a cold and unfeeling bureaucratic system. A lady brought me a sweetened tea and rubbed my back until I calmed down. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! And I don't event LIKE tea! I will never forget her.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 23:35

Grumpasaur I think the OP had genuine and very sweet intentions at heart.

However, to dismiss the family's own potential feelings as unimportant - oh, they could refuse the biscuits or whatever! - isn't fair either.

Years ago I received an invitation to go to somebody's house at Christmas. I accepted because I thought they liked me. I then discovered they felt sorry for me. Knowing that that was how I was perceived - someone to be pitied - was awful. Real knock to my self esteem. That person was lovely and I have no doubt was as kind and as compassionate as I'm sure the op is, but it was still awful.

Effectively the message is: you look like a charity case. You are below 'normal' people; you are to be pitied.

When I was homeless the cold, the fear and the loneliness were horrible but I coped. The worst memory was having to ask a friend if I could shower at hers. Pride is stupid I know - but when you haven't got anything , trust me, it matters. It matters a lot.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 20/06/2014 23:42

Also I do think your situation is different insofar as you were visibly upset and distressed.

Offering a hand to hold to someone in tears is different to approaching people who are going about their business, even if that business is sad.

I recently lost my dad and obviously at the funeral parlour you are there for sad reasons and while my brother and I gratefully accepted a cup of tea from the director a snack from a stranger outside would have been different and inappropriate.

grumpasaur · 20/06/2014 23:49

Hrmm, I totally understand what you are saying. It's a difficult boundary to walk, really... I like helping people when I can, and feel that it's the least I can do to repay the universe for all the help I have received from strangers over the years.

It's hard, because I completely understand that people don't want to feel like a 'charity case'... I wonder if there is a way to offer helps that better shows you don't think of yourself as giving charity, but just trying to connect with a fellow human beingwhen they are a bit down and out?

I had a similar thing to you- once, just after my brother died, I was invited over to a friend of a friends for Easter. I knew the family- and liked them- but I know the invitation came because my friend had relayed I was sad and struggling rather than because we all had an amazing connection. I didn't mind at all- they were so kind and welcoming and we all had a great day, and it did lift my spirits!! See these are the kind of things I want to be able to give back, in a small way, when I can. I really respected and appreciated them opening their home and hearts to me- and I didn't feel like a charity case at all, I just felt taken care of!

TheFairyCaravan · 20/06/2014 23:53

The situation the OP saw would have broken my heart. I can not believe the pasting she has been given on here.

I used to walk past homeless people who were begging Blush, but I don't anymore. Even if they are there because they are on drugs or alcoholics, it's not really their fault. If they want to get off it they can't because the facilities aren't there.

DS1(19) has made me think a lot more about this. We were both out one day, it was fecking freezing and a man asked for some change, I didn't have any money I wants literally on my way to the cash point. We went back to him with a coffee and a fiver. He was so grateful. He was only young, but looked so old and weathered, it was so sad. No-one should be living like that in 2014 in the 7th richest country in the world.

I really hope that family is some where safe and nice tonight.